A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I’m 25 years old and currently in the early(ish) stages of a relationship. What’s my problem? It makes me feel nervous, uneasy… I wouldn’t say unhappy, but I certainly am not all up in the clouds.Having said that, I strongly think I need to share a bit of my relationship background. I’ve only ever had a big relationship so far, and it was with someone who was 16 years my senior and living in another country. This man was divorced with a son and with financial, as well as emotional, problems. Let’s say that it wasn’t all that easy. So while my closest friends were living “normal” relationships with guys living in the same town, with the same age and with the same problems to relate to, my life was made of planes, hiding or arguing with my parents, whom I live with, because they weren’t happy about the big age gap, and dealing with not only the distance, but also with his problems. Problems such as financial worries and custodial fights for the kid – all of which was certainly bigger problems than I needed, and I desperately envied whoever was having a “normal”, so to speak, life.The relationship ended after a long 6 years – of course this has left me emotionally drained, but with a strong desire to establish a “normal”, healthy relationship. So I met this guy, who’s practically my age and lives about ten miles from me – result! We started going out in November, but things have been pretty rocky (because he was insecure about himself) up until a month ago, when he finally revealed to me that he was in love with me. Now everything’s looking up – he’s very much in love and shows it and of course that makes me happy. But I am not serene – I have trouble sleeping at night and I have a series of weird behaviors especially when im not with him. If he texts me and im with my friends, for example, it makes me feel very irritated, to the point I almost hate him; if I think of him when im not with him, I get anxious, worrysome. This annoys me off hugely, as I would like to finally start building something and he might just be the right person. So why do I feel this way? I remembered that I also had this behavior with the previous relationship (as soon as I started the relationship and he was all loved up, I was acting irritated, distant, and I even left my first boyfriend (when a teen then aged 13!!!) for no reason, stating that “I needed space” – ridiculous, isn't it?!)My best guess is that because I was in a long distance relationship, I have yet to accustom myself to having someone so close to me – I’ve been, practically speaking, alone for so long that this situation makes me stressed (I don’t know how to integrate my past life with the new one I’m looking at building with him). I’ll also add that I am an only child and have issues with loneliness – I hate it, but in situations like this, it’s almost like I crave it. In fact, I’d say I despise being on my own, but it is almost like as soon as I’m in a relationship, I sabotage it involountarily – I literally start “hating” the person I am with.Thing is, I want to be with someone – I HATE being on my own, and he truly is a good candidate as I like him very much. To end this: what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I allow myself to be happy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 August 2011):
Hi there. It's not a good idea to be with someone just to avoid loneliness.
That's like saying anyone is better than no-one.
It's also possible that in both relationships, you have made both of these men your whole world.
When you do that, you start to depend on them entirely for your happiness.
What I mean by making them your entire world, I mean giving up all of what you did before you met them. For instance, giving up all your friends, giving up all your hobbies and interests you had before you met them.
In new relationships, women often believe that they must be available for their new man all the time, and give up everything, just to be with them. Afraid to say "No" that they have something else they have to go do. So very often, they give up just about everything and after a while, they lose themselves inside the relationship. A loss of identity.
It's a feeling of giving up everything for their man - a very big sacrifice - and eventually, this leads to a lot of unhappiness and resentment towards their new man.
This might be what you are feeling at some level, even if you aren't consciously aware of it.
So with that in mind, the best thing you could possibly do now, would be to start making a life of your own, so you are not with him every day and every night.
And that's another thing, if you are seeing each other every single day, suggest to him that you would like to have some time on your own to pursue your own interests as well as be in a relationship with him. That way, he won't think you are trying to give him the flick. You don't want him to think that you're trying to end it with him, do you?
You could tell him that there are some activities and hobbies that you haven't done for a while, and would like to get back to doing again.
For instance, if you are seeing each other 5-7 days a week, every single week, suggest seeing each other only 2-3 days a week (not in a row, but a day or 2 break in between these days). Then you both have some space to also do other things, when you are not together.
It's really important to both have your own separate lives, as well as the life you share together.
In fact, to both have your own friends, interests and hobbies will give you more to talk about the next time you do see each other again.
I suspect that what you are feeling is that of being a bit smothered by the relationship, and not enough time to yourself. So all the more reason, to put more into your own individual life. If you do this, you will find that it breathes fresh air into your relationship and will also put everything into balance.
Balance is probably what you don't have now. And if you don't have it at the moment, you will feel very restless indeed - like something is missing from your life.
When you do gain the vital balance, everything will just fall into place, I promise you.
Everyone needs balance.
Don't fall into the trap that he will end the relationship with you for doing this, in fact he will probably be happy that you mentioned it. He probably might be missing balance in his own life.
You see, both parties have expectations of how they think a relationship should go - always being together, and no other life outside of the relationship.
If you do live your life this way, it soon becomes very stifling. And being stifled is probably what you are feeling right now.
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