A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, can you give me some advice? thanks :)How can I not feel stupid and intimidated anytime I talk to him? I think my self-esteem is low, I am not confident enough and that's the reason why I feel like it when I talk or text with him. I don't have this problem when I talk to any other guy or girl friend, I am super comfortable when I talk to anyone else, when I talk to others I don't think what I said was stupid, and I don't care what they think about me. I just talk and tell my opinion. And when I talk to him and text something back, I keep thinking he is gonna think I am stupid and get disappointed in me.I have known him for 5 years, and we are friends, not best-friend close, but friends. For the last 2 years we were in 2 different cities for school, but we would talk and see each other on the breaks. But I like him more than just a friend. I have liked him around 3 years, but since he was away, it was easy for me to put the thought in the back of my head and not think about it. In my opinion he is perfect. He is very handsome and cares about his body, but the looks aside, his personality is super amazing. He is kind, cares about other people, he is very intelligent, has traveled a lot, he thinks for himself, doesn't like following authority without questioning, he doesn't waste his time on stupid things but lives his life, does things he loves and tries new things. And he thinks I am very smart and kind, curious, compassionate and some other stuff. The problem is I don't think I am smart, even though I am majoring in a very hard major which requires a lot of thinking and imagination, I read a lot, have done several research projects while undergrad and now am starting grad school. Even though others think I am smart as well, but the thought of 'he is gonna think I am stupid and get disappointed' arises only when I talk to him. I had these thoughts even before I liked him more than a friends. The problem is in me, not him. I have known people who were cocky and acted super smart, but he is humble and doesn't do anything to make others feel bad about themselves. At the same time he has very positive influence on me. Since I know he thinks so highly of me, I do my best to improve and grow as an individual. And to be honest I have become so much better since I knew him. But I don't think I am good enough yet and am scarred that he'll soon discover how I really am. This time when he came back to the city, he didn't have a ride home from the bus station, so I offered to pick him up. We talked and it turned out that he started a project and he and his friend are working on it. He offered me to join them. I'll be doing programming, even though I told him I am very beginner in programming, he said it's fine, his friend (the main programmer) will help me learn everything, he is not a programmer. I agreed since I think it's a very cool project and I'll learn a lot.But the whole pressure of being stupid has increased exponentially. Now I am more worried about sounding stupid. We are gonna have meetings through skype every week (I am moving to another state for grad school) and I feel this whole feeling stupid thing is not gonna go away soon. And it'll affect my performance both in the project and in grad school.Can anyone give advice on how I can just feel normal when I talk to him and not be intimidated? How can I let feeling stupid thing go away?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 July 2015):
 Stupid is as stupid does. You feel intimidated because high quality men are rare, and you are afraid of losing a chance with him. Life is not all about intellect and seriousness. I am sure he would appreciate some time when he can goof off too. I know you are smart, you are your worst critic. One thing I could think of is that you are the talkative type, and maybe he's the type that thinks before he talks? If this is your nature you can't change it just to impress him. Sometimes a good balance helps the relationship. Opposites can attract. When you have two quiet people it can get boring.
I assume you would both be in the same city for a long time. Your goal would be to meet him outside of your project, so you get to know each other better. You have a secret crush on him for years and had probably built up a lot of imagination in your mind. You have to refresh your mind and see him as a new person again. Hopefully you are each other's type.
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