A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need some advice I dated this girl about 3 years ago. I realy loved her with all my heart then after about 7 months she cheated on me. We never broke up but we never have sex. Since that day I've seen her about 5 times thought we work in the same area. We communicate now and then. I still love her very much and want to be with her she also says she wants me but I'm scared she might do the same thing again which will lead me back to my past life as I recently came out of rehab. Please help me must I move on with my life or give this relationship another chance
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broke up, cheated on me, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (27 November 2015):
 I agree with Wise Owl- although cheating was the wrong way to escape, it was an escape she needed- i used to go out with a guy that had a drug addiction... i really saw the obsession, it's just an illness that prevents you from doing what you should- everyone told me that he would always choose the drugs over me- and he did in the end. So of course she's going to be VERY apprehensive about getting into all that turmoil again... personally I think it would be very destructives- in this vulnerable state youre in, when you have wobbly moments if you get back together- it's just going to set you off! I just second Wise OWl on everything- she's shaky and you're shaky, you need TIME to recover and FOCUS on yourself... you are too unstable and owe it to BOTH of you to leave her alone for a long time, even forever. I think the road to recovery starts with you accepting thta you made a mistake and the drugs were a major factor that destroyed the relationship- but I see addiction is an illness, it disables you from functioning, I went through a horrible few years of alcohol dependency as well.. remember you just have to let go of guilt and think of it as an illness. People with addiction are often doing it to mask pain, or problems, and it's just a stupid human thing some of us do.. just focus on the road ahead, pick up your life and take it step by step- she isnt your focus, like Wise Owl said.Good luck and take care!
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (27 November 2015):
Yes, the "rehab" deal that you you make only incidental mention of. Understand that your past is undoubtedly a big part of the deal-breaker for her. People who like themselves and look positively toward the future don't chain themselves down with abusers. I would have told her to move on and she was smart enough to do this on her own.Yes, she has moved on...get that thru your brain. The only way you'll ever win her back is to earn her respect. You need to man-it-up...it sounds like you never had a strong male role model in your life so you are going to have to do this by yourself. The first thing you do is to stay away from any addictions and especially what got you into rehab. Focus your energy more positively, whether it is getting more education, doing good works for you community, whatever it takes to get you to respect and like yourself. Only then will she do the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2015): There was something that can't be overlooked. You just got out of rehab.
Maybe you've put her through a lot, my friend. If your substance abuse has reached that level of seriousness; then she didn't really "cheat" on you. She escaped. She sought comfort from someone else. You weren't available. Your love affair was with drugs. You cheated on her too! Mostly, on yourself!
You're in denial, she has broken-up with you. You've refused to let go. Threatening the probability you'll go back to your old ways isn't going to make her want you back. It will drive her even further from you. Whatever put you into rehab is your problem to face and deal with. Focus on recovery, it's going to be your struggle for the rest of your life. Own it.
You must love yourself first. You've got problems you need to workout with, and for, yourself. If she is distant from you, there's a reason for it. Don't come just looking for sympathy; if you know deep in your heart that addiction has destroyed your relationship, and you are stubbornly holding on to a dead relationship. Refusing to allow her to move on. You may refuse to acknowledge that she has left you, but her distance says it all. Maybe she's an addiction too!
You know what cold-turkey feels like. Even when it's from love. You will survive the withdrawal from it. Not without pain and grief of your loss.
That's what addiction causes. Losses. The gains comeback with recovery. Stay committed to it.
You may not realize it yet, but it may be for the better.
If she is the reason you're abusing drugs and/or alcohol; then say goodbye to bad rubbish. You went to rehab to save your life. A bad relationship that could drive you back to slowly killing yourself is not love. It's giving-up, dependency, and having no will to survive. It will not be happy anyway. There is no real love in a toxic relationship. Just co-dependency and fear of loneliness.
Staying together is done out of desperation, not love.
Okay, we know you love her. Just how much do you, and can you love yourself? Brother, getting well is more important than she is right now. You will find someone else; but you've got to get your life in order first to be worthy of it. Let her go. Focus on cleaning up your life. There will be many rewards for doing that. You'll see.
I wish you much goodwill, and hope that you successfully maintain your path to recovery.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (27 November 2015):
 your heart says yes to her, but your mind says hey wait a minute, caution , caution !!! right. part of you still loves her, but part of you don't have trust in her.
you will have to make your mind up, my advise is take it slow. trust is earned, not given out easy. there is a reason why your trust is not in her, so take things slow.
if this relationship is toxic, if she draws you back to a bad past how can good come out of it?
you will have to decide if she can be trusted, it want be over night decision . you need to look at her character of who she is!
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