A
female
age
30-35,
*ean93
writes:Hi all, for those cohabiting and/or married, how often does your partner come home drunk? My boyfriend comes home drunk once a month. We've been living together for half a year. He reaches home around 3,4am, reeks of alcohol and is terribly incoherent. Somehow this bothers me. This makes me feel like a bad girlfriend because people are free to choose their lifestyles. Yet, I feel bothered by it. Once it left him so hungover, he slept more than half the day away and we cancelled our date. In another occasion, his friend managed to persuade him to stay for another round of drinks (and many more rounds). This resulted in him being late for our dinner date. I had already cooked dinner and he was supposed to be home by 7pm but he ended up being almost 3 hours late. While he did text me to say he was going to be late, he did not let me know he was going to be that late. I was mad because we already agreed on a dinner date and he was so easily swayed to stay for drinks. If he wanted to spend time with his friends, he shouldn't have agreed to our date. I don't know if the frequency of such will increase if I don't say anything about it. But it does make me feel uncomfortable.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 November 2015):
 If he NEVER - or RARELY - comes home sober... then you know he has a drinking/alcohol problem..... By then, you should be living elsewhere and have another boyfriend.
Good luck...
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 November 2015):
Once a month isn't a huge red flag one exception that I'll get into momentarily.
He should be sensitive to any needless behavior that bothers you. Have you discussed this with him? If not, you need to do that and then see where this goes. It sounds like he has some single friends who encourage this behavior and he is not a habitual abuser, at least at this point.
I'm more worried about him drinking to the point where he is "terribly incoherent." Is he driving in this state? This is the guy who slams into another car, killing innocent victims. You're lucky it is just some missed social events up to this point.
Whatever the case, let him know how you feel. If he continues and it still bothers you, it is time he quits or else.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (27 November 2015):
 Your guy is an alcohol abuser. People who a use alcohol are ritualistic as in they do it in repetitive time intervals, they drink typically the same alcohol, at the same (similar) place, in same large quantities, in the same setting... They deny they are alcoholic because they don't require alcohol on daily base so they claim there is no addiction there. Plus, they argue, they have't done anything to you, that it's just bunch of guys having fun etc
The problem is that whether an addict or an abuser, alcohol impacts quality of life and therefore whatever he is doing is inappropriate... and knowing other abusers, it will likely get worse over time.
One issue with these situations is that the abuser will deny these problems and refuse to do anything about it. He may feel guilty that there are negative consequences upon those whom he loves, like you, but he will continue drinking because he knows that you will forgive. In some instances, these abusers require to be faced with a loss of the loved one in order to convince them to disrupt their rituals.
So getting through the acceptance that there is a drinking problem is a huge hurtle.
As an abuser, your guy does not need the 12 step program and other things alcohol addicts undergo. As I noted, abusers are ritualistic, so an abuser needs to simply decide to disrupt his rituals so instead of hitting the pub every month he derives similar pleasure doing something else... and that is very hard decision for some and will involve millions of reasons why not.
Anyway, if you wish to help him, don't do it by admonishing him for what his drinking is causing. He already knows that and has rationally decided that he can manage through that crisis. Therefore, all you will achieve is lot of negative emotion on yourself, get an apology ... until a month later when you have to go through a replay.
Instead, reflect on his ritual of drinking and find a way so that he willingly agrees to disrupt that ritual of drinking with some constructive consequences. It is basically a lot of convincing that doing something other then a pub, once a month, is more rewarding...and that can be tough.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (27 November 2015):
 There are several aspects to this. Getting wrecked once a month doesn't sound like a problem yet. However binge drinking to the point of insensibility is harmful to himself, expensive, and pretty silly. Obviously you would like to know when this is happening. It's just fair.
I think most of us have got blasted at some time or other. I know surgeons, journalists and business men who do this. It is a form of release from their pressured job.
So in answer to your question, it isn't good, it may be a helpful pressure release valve, and third you have a right to know what to expect and when.
It is something you need to work out between you. You two must decide what is acceptable in your relationship, set limits and consequences.
I suspect there are many homes in which this is a touchy subject.
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