A
female
age
,
*ulcherann
writes:My husband cheated on me a few yrs ago, with a woman who was suposed to be my friend. When I confided in her about the affair she promised to help find out who the other woman was! It ended when I found out it was her and confronted the pair of them. He promised never to do it again, but when I was on the computer 1 day I stumbled across some pictures of a scantily clad woamn, he denied getting the photos, but he downloaded them! He said he just talked to her about dogs, she takes in abandoned dogs etc. But why would she send the pictures? He promised never to accept photo's from her again, but while I was away in Cyprus for a weeks holiday he spent all week on the net talking to her, I think he even went to see her. He denied it, but I know it is true. I found some more photo's of her too. After a while I managed to get in contact with her and she told me he never said he was married, didn't tell her we have a daughter, so I feel he was beginning to start another affair. He doesn't give me that much of a reason to doubt him these days, but there are still times when I find it hard to trust him. I can't bear him near me, I can't get the pictures of him with another woman out of my head. It has been 7 yrs since he stopped seeing the first woman, but I still can't forget it. He wont let me talk about it, says it should be forgotten about, easy for him to say. How can I move on? I feel so hurt and betrayed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Hi. I wish there was an answer and if you find one please post it! I found out that over our 41 years of marriage my husband had had several affairs and also that he had been lying to me for years in order to get out alone so that he could meet other women. He promised me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me but within a year I found calls on his mobile to a previous lover. What do you do! I know I should have thrown him out but my solicitor told me that although I have put most into our marriage, I would be so financially compromised by a divorce that I would not have enough to live on if we separated. I have a lovely lifestyle and as my friends put it, on the surface I'm the woman with everything. In reality I have a loveless existance with a husband I view with contempt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I'm sorry to sound harsh here but there is no point trying counselling - he is a compulsive cheat who has no respect for you. Why invest your time in it? Once you found yourself a decent honest and loving man you would be able to put him behind you - probably quicker than you imagine... and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You are wasting your life and emotion on this man - and it is quite clear that you are a lovely caring considerate woman who has a lot to give to the right man.. and receive it back. I wouldn't waste any more time - spend it finding someone else. He doesn't deserve you.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 July 2007):
 I couldn't agree more with Penta, it is not up to you to get over it, how bloody arrogant is that.
Sorry it really does bug me when a man thinks he can just do what he likes and there are no consequences.
7 years is an awful long time to be living with this.
Did you ever go for counselling after the first affair?
If he is downloading pictures of a new woman and you suspect he has gone to see her, then kick him to the kerb sweetheart.
Talking about dogs does not mean that you send scantilly clad pictures of yourself. Pictures of dogs would be more appropriate if that was all they were talking about.
Your gut instincts are normally the ones you should listen to, don't trust him an inch.
The fact that you can't bear to have him near you means that once the trust is gone you will find it very hard to regain it without professional help.
The thing is if you want a relationship to recover from an affair you first of all go and see Relate or someone and then they refer you to a couple counsellor or a sexual counsellor if that is needed. The one good thing about counselling is the fact that you are talking to an impartial person who doesn't know either one of you personally.
If your husband is not prepared to work at your relationship by going down this route then walk away sweetheart as he really isn't worth it.
You deserve so much better than a cheating husband. You are still young so why not have a man in your life who would treat you properly and as you deserve to be treated.
How old is your daugther btw? What does she think about all of this as it must have had an affect on her as well?
I know exactly how you feel so I am always hear to chat anytime OK.
Stay strong sweetheart and you will get through all of this horrible stuff honest, you even don't need your hubby to go with you to go to Relate you know and counselling will make you a much stronger woman, I have been there and done it and it makes you view life and everything to do with relationships in a whole different light as you could take a lot of the feelings of aggression and resentment onto a new relationship if you don't go to counselling to basically clear out your head.
Always here OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (22 July 2007):
 Trust is the hardest thing to get back once it's lost, and it's up to him to work on it. He shouldn't just tell you to "get over it."
Here is an article FOR HIM on how to get your trust back:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2040630_spouse-trust-again.html
I recommend this, and counseling for the both of you.
For you, if he's not willing to take these steps, then your next steps should be to a lawyer. It's not fair to you to constantly have to wonder what he's doing. He needs to shape up or you should leave him.
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