A
female
age
41-50,
*Delaneyx
writes:My boyfried dumped me 2 weeks ago after an 18 month relationship because he says he doesn't love me. I am completely heart broken and don't know what to do with myself. Its affecting my behaviour in I can't seem to function properly and its constantly on my mind and and i'm constantly in tears. I just want to sleep as thats the only time I am not thinking about it. He did this to me exactly a year ago but then he changed his mind and we got back together. He has always been caring and nice to me. He told me he loved me for the first time this year on valentines day and gave me a card that said I was his soulmate. We went away to amsterdam early this year and then only 6 weeks ago we had an amazing short break to Marbella. He has only said he loved me that once and now he says he doesn't love me enough to commit to me but then says he doesn't want to lose me altogether. I ended up sleeping with him this weekend and this has confused me even more. I rang him last night in floods of tears and he came round. I asked him what was going on with us and he is still saying the same. That he can't be with me but doesnt want to lose me. I have told him to leave me alone completely but he says he doesnt want to. I told him he is not being fair and what he is doing to me is killing me. He's been married before and has 2 kids (which I have never met). He is very good friends with his ex-wife (which has been difficult as it has caused problems). I am 35 with a 13yr son. This is the 3rd serious relationship I have had and I thought this was the one. I have never been in this situation before and it is really making me ill. I am so scared of being on my own. How do I get through this?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 July 2010):
 I too am so sorry to know your going through this. I have been through something similar myself where someone couldnt commit, told me they loved me and then withdrew saying we wern't compatible after a two year relationship. He too wanted to stay friends, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him go off with someone else...who needs that much pain.
This fella is giving you massive conflicting signals. Don't be worried about hurting his feelings (he's already trashed yours) Make a clean break. If he can't commit now or say he loves you completely after 18 months...then he probably never will. There is no point putting yourself through something that is going to keep giving you pain and bad experiences...you need to cut him out of your life completely. I know how hard that seems right now, but it's the only way you can allow the wounds to heal.
It's just so shit when you invest time and love and feelings into someone and then it all goes to nothing. It happens to people all the time and it's really upsetting and unsettling. Your also right...it can and will make you ill if you can't move on from him.
If your feeling particularly low and upset over the next few days, go see your GP and ask for some temporary low grade anti depressant to stop you sinking further. Phone and see as many mates as you can...people who will sit and listen to you get things off your chest. Treat yourself like your recovering from a terrible illness, eat well and take some gentle exercise.
I know right now you feel like crawling into your bed and never getting out again, but you have a kid so you have to force yourself to put one foot in front of the other.
Seeing and speaking to your ex is pointless. When men make up their minds it's usually because they want to be free to date other people. They tell you they want to ' stay friends' or that they still want to be in touch because it's just something to lessen their guilt of dumping you. Also some men will keep women on the hook as a safe haven if they can't find someone they REALLY like. That is worse because it often means you will get used and dumped repeatedly.
You need to not see him or call him or text him....you need to cut him off, because it will make your heart ache worse.
Don't allow yourself to repeat the same pattern or to become depressed. You still have a life and your a young woman. I have known women with a good 20 years on you that have met the love of their lives in recent years.
I know your hurting sweetheart, but you need desperately to put your needs first (and I don't mean soothing your pain by seeing or speaking to him) You need to make yourself feel better and more positive and slowly you will be able to function and face the world again.
A man that could not tell you he loved you more than once...is NOT the man you deserve or need.
God Bless you darling and chin up!!! xxx
A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 I am so sorry you are going through such pain right now! This will be a time of mourning and that is okay but this is also a good time to do some soul searching and asking for help from your own heart!
Rent the movie 'the Secret' start creating your future now with your thoughts. Write down qualities that you enjoyed about him and ask the universe to bring you those qualities but in someone better suited for you. that can love you, like you can love!
Treat yourself like you want to be treated! like the beautiful deserving wonderful woman you are! Run yourself bubble baths, light candles wine and dine yourself listen to new music download some guided meditations. take your son out on adventures, I am sure he wants some mom time!
And when your sad, just be sad. you will get through this and you will be able to look back at it and think of this time as being your challenge and that you made it through.
I became so strong, I mended my own heart and now I know if I was to ever be left alone again, I will be just fine!
Sending you peace and warmth around your heart :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Do not be frightened, this is quite normal and will quickly pass, get out there girl there is more to life than just one guy, they are like the bus just hang out and there will be another one along
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