A
female
age
51-59,
* will get through this!
writes:I'm trying so hard to get through the heart ache I feel after my three year affair with a married man, I too started out married.I must say what is helping me get through this is to see that other girls have been through a situation that is simular to mine. I feel so nieve and completly empty inside.My story is I was married and never thought I would cheat on my husband, I wasn't exactly happy but I was getting by--I was married very young straight out of high school. We had four children together. About three years ago, I ran into someone I went to high school with and he said we should get together for a drink sometime I knew my husband wouldn't go because he didn't like him in high school, wouldn't have wanted to go and would not have let me go so I decided why not, I knew he wasn't saying for his wife to go because she didn't like me in high school but we didn't mention anything about spouses and I honestly didn't think to much about it so we exchanged numbers and I met him after work for a drink and the rest is drama drama drama.I talked to him every day afterwords and started seeing him more and more and then about three months later we decided to stay together for the night and it was all over after that. He took my heart. I too believed he loved me, I saw him once or twice a week, we talked a couple times during the day--he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world, we had a connection we both said had never experienced. The long talks we would have and it was just so natural not to mention how he made me feel when he made so called love to me and it wasn't the excitement for me because I didn't find it exciting, I just was completely in love with this man. It didn't take too long before my husband found out, it was about four months into it and then my husband called his wife and my husband of seven years divorced me and he bounced back and forth and lied over and over that he was just going there to support his sons and it was over between him and his wife. Well this has gone on for all this time, I would get sick of it and tell him he had to leave and be with me or not but it would only last about a week and he would reel me back in, it was very hard for us to stay away from each other. Well I found found out a couple weeks ago he bought a new house with his wife and of course wouldn't tell me, I lost it and called him that night (I never called him at night) well I did that night and the next morning I got a call from his wife and I couldn't hold anything back I told her everything, I told her it had never ended and that he was great at fooling me. Later that day, I received a voice mail from him telling me he was going to kill me if came near his kids or anybody. I haven't heard from him since!! I have alot of questions but mostly can't help but to question if I handled this the right way or if there was a right way?If I would have been able to stay calm and waited to discuss it with him would it have ended any different?It takes everything I have to not call him, I won't lie I have had a few week moments where I have called his work phone and left piddifle messages telling him how much I loved him and couldn't live without him but it just made it harder when he didn't call me back.Any advice on how to get through this and never call him or talk to him again is appreciated, candid responses are welcome.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, exchanged numbers, married man, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jenna34 +, writes (26 February 2008):
There is an article on here about married men and single women, it was good, I have been through this and looked at it just like you are. Later on I realized it wasn't quite what I thought on his end. Read it and it will make you feel better
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in and despite what anybody says, can happen to the best of us.Try to stay strong, do not contact him, however much you want to, and please know that the pain will fade eventually.I wish you all the very best and am sending you good luck vibes and wishing you a speedy recovery. He's behaved like a coward and has not acted fairly or well to anybody, and when the chips came down he has chosen to stay where he is so you must move on for your own sake sweetheart.Lots of love and luck x
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Both you and this man made a conscious decision to cheat. You sound like you want to be a victim. Think of the people you and this man victimized by your actions. Why is it that we are always supposed to feel sorry for cheaters? What a crock! If you want to be a victim, go to loving you.com, where they will welcome cheaters with open arms. You and this man deserve nothing but contempt. You deserve everything you have coming to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Don't you think there has been enough heartache. Seems there are at least eight innocent people who have had to suffer becuse of you two.
Eight people's lives have been put through pain and turmoil so that two people can have fun.
A wife and children are trying to hold onto a father and husband. Better to leave this family alone now to rebuild their relationships and for the children to get over the arguments and conflict that has been going on.
What is happening to your four children? Don't they need any attention from you?
If you're looking for something to motivate you, let me copy and paste this info from a divorce research group:
..................
In terms of the effects of divorce on children, as a group, we can conclude that divorce roughly doubles the rates of emotional and behavioral adjustment problems in children.
The effects on boys are increases in aggressive, disruptive, acting out behaviors. Boys in single-mother households are considered to be “developmentally vulnerable” and at risk for high levels of acting out behavior.
The effects of divorce on girls are minimal, until adolescence. Girls of divorce show no increased risk of behavior problems, as compared with girls from intact families, until adolescence. Then, they show increased rates of running away, skipping school, sexual promiscuity, and acting out. These girls are more likely to drop out of school and become pregnant outside of marriage. This has been dubbed “the sleeper effect”.
.................................
I hope you find this sufficient motivation.
Good Luck
Richard
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hi,
You will never hear from him again. The reason being is that he never loved you, you were an old flame who he knew he could share illicit sex with. Guys can really spin the love story to a willing female and we see it on this site so often, the jilted women who left her husband only to be strung along by her married lover who never was going to leave his wife.
But in a way I'm glad you told his wife, she would have been totally unawares that you were still carrying on so he deserved everything he got. That is why he threatened you, but rest assured after that he will not be in contact again - I'm sure he thinks you are more trouble than you are worth now.
What you have to do is find a way to stop obsessing about this man. It is not all over for you, you can meet someone else to share your future with, but not if you are in this type of frame of mind. This man is a monster yet you still send him text messages? My advice is to seek some counselling, you need to get your confidence and self respect back - no woman with any self respect would be chasing after a cheating creep like this.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Your at a crossroads now in your life. It all turned to custard and hurts. A couple of months ago I would have said to you - 'it serves you right'. But I think you actually do know that, but it is now about you moving on.
I think you know what type of relationship you had with this guy. It is pretty obvious that he was after something different to you. Speaks for itself. And you, like many, fell for him and thought it was going to be a happy ending.
Unfortunately it is text book affair behaviour and you know it. This is probably why it is hurting so much, you made a fool of yourself with him.
You have to pick yourself up, learn from this massive mistake and waste of time and start your life again.
The thing is you will never have this guy, he in my opinion doesn't sound like a catch anyway. You had an affair, it is over, he wants you out of his life now after you creating problems at home. If you hadn't rung the wife, he probably would have continued to see you as before a bit on the side. And that is not what you wanted. So your wanting to have your last say. You have done that and now you have to get it together.
No more calls or messages. It won't make it better or revive what is going down. See this man and what you and he did for what it is. An affair.
Revaluate your integrity, love values and needs. Your silly to think the love you thought you had was real. How can it be if your living another life with someone else. That is not unconditional love. It is conditional upon when I am with you and I will have the same condition when I am with my wife. You shared him. He was never yours and you have to move on.
Get your head out of the sand and grow up. It is over. You need to start again and this time make better choices, that is all you can do.
Good luck.
...............................
|
