A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for a month and it will surely result in a divorce. I needed to leave because it just wasn't working out despite trying marriage counseling. I can't go back because there was abuse involved and he isn't accepting responsibility nor seeking help (I am seeing a therapist individually). I haven't spoken with him in a week and I think that's a good thing for right now. But, I'm thinking about our good times, the good in him, and even our dreams for our future and I'm feeling really sad. Can you offer any advice or suggestions on how to move forward and heal from this difficult experience?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Thank you, TimmD.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): First off kudos to you for standing up for yourself and realizing how abuse in a relationship will literally make you sick. The man you fell in love with probably never existed, the mask he presented to you before marriage is now off and you are seeing the REAL him....be sad for him, but not for yourself, you have a second chance at life, so put your focus where it belongs, squarely on YOU. Keep up with your therapy appointments, it will help you make good decisions for yourself.
You may find this resource helpful. Especially, in learning why it it and what it means that you till can mostly remember just the good times and feeling that ping pong feeling going on inside your mind and heart where he is concerned.
Remember you are taking the important first step by getting out, and you will need to get your legs back up under you and that will take some time, so don't beat yourself up by focusing on what was and will never be, this is not all your doing by the way.
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sample-sandra-says
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 June 2010):
 I'm sorry for having to be in such a bad situation, but it's very good that you recognized how bad things were and took the steps needed to get away from it. Too many times women in an abusive relationship never leave.
I know right now all of your thoughts are on those good times, and on what "might have been", but that will change in time. Eventually you should start to focus more on the fact that you now have a future wide open to you now. Yes, there may have been good times in the past, but the reality is he is what he is. He's not recognizing being at fault for anything, and thus changing is unlikely. He IS this person. Now that you have distanced yourself from him, you now have the possibility of being happy. You have the potential to meet someone who can love you and treat you how you deserve to be treated, and how you WANT to be treated.
While it may be scary, the future holds a huge amount of potential for you now while before, your future was pretty limited to what you were experiencing daily. So that is what you should try to take away from all of this, along with the fact that you are (while cliche) stronger from thing experience.
Good luck.
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