A
female
age
36-40,
*ib1
writes:How can I meet men outside of college? Not for hook-ups! So I don't want to hear about bars. I am also very wary of online dating. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lib1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
Lib1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That was awesome advice its just that the adults around me aren't very reliable or have healthy relationships. So that isn't really... err probably not the best option for me.
Your advice was great I'm just in a unique situation. I'm 24 I work in the Children's Library and I make much more than most people my age. I live alone in a new city far enough from my hometown I don't know anyone. People from my college also don't move down here when they graduate.
I guess I've been trying to strike up conversations on the street with people... even just for a friendship lol its always friendly but doesn't quite go anywhere when they find out I'm a few years younger.
In my city I don't quite fit in. I have more responsibility and independent than most people my age in this area and those who are doing what I do are in their late twenties and going into 30's tend to look at me like a baby. I don't know lol PLUS there are all these YALE people around me and they are very clique oriented. So I'm around super elite and they are the majority but they stick with other YALEes. Meh maybe I'm just complaining!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
 You are simply not going to get any better advice than what daletom just wrote. Wow. That was awesome.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (19 December 2008):
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there!
I presume your are ultimately looking for a serious relationship, not just somebody to chat with while waiting in the laundromat. Like "Tisha-1" mentioned, you may have to start with the laundromat (or bowling league, etc). But her first comment is, in my opinion, the most effective:
Let some older adults know about your situation!
Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
I'll also elaborate on some of her other suggestions. (I posted most of this a year ago in the thread "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html . There are some other good ideas there, too.)
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many guys in a convent, but you don't have to be a National Hockey League player to be around guys. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes for fun. Or even a mixed athletic team, like bowling, tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process may be easier, and quicker, if one of your girlfriends goes with you. Ask her to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of guy acquaintances as potential dates or relationships. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around guys, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on guys alone - even women you know have sons, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks, either yours or the guys'. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question but that's something you're still too young to appreciate.
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and either avoid avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
Here's my true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is almost your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
Through friends and family, tell them you're interesting in meeting new men, don't keep that a secret! Take classes in things you like but that men might also like, scuba diving, skeet shooting, wine tasting. Go to the gym. Take up a sport like tennis--mixed doubles would be best, for obvious reasons. Or men/women volleyball leagues. There are cycling and running groups all over the place, join one of those. There's a good bet that men find sweaty, athletic women sexy, just a guess, but it's worth a try. And you'll be in great shape, and then you'll have NO problem meeting any guy you like!
...............................
|
