A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In the past year or so I have come out of a period of severe depression and health issues. I moved to a city where I know few people, and due to the nature of my work (odd hours, and working alone) I get few opportunities to meet anyone at all. I'm mid-thirties, and though I've dated and been fixed up sporadically since I moved to this city 4 years ago, I've not had a serious relationship in that time. For more than a year I suffered severe enough depression (possibly brought on by the unending loneliness and reclusiveness of my work)that relationships were not on the radar whatsoever. A chance re-connection with an old school friend has really helped turn me around and done wonders for my outlook. Before my breakdown, if you want to call it that, I was very fun-loving, spontaneous, adventurous, and independent.I'm nowhere near that person now- I'm still shy and axious, but slowly I feel the old me coming back. But I'm still pretty vulnerable.She encouraged me to try online dating, and though it was a big step for me, in my very first foray a few months ago I started a correspondence with someone I really liked. I will add that I wrote to him first and in the beginning I was very clear, confident and honest about what I was looking for. He responded with surprising honesty about himself, his vulnerablities and past mistakes and I quickly found myself attracted to him through his letters-he's nowhere near perfect, and neither am I. So, it all felt quite promising. When we met the first time, at my initiating, sparks definitely didn't fly, but I wasn't expecting they would because I was panicky about my appearance and really had a hard time holding up my end of the conversation. I'll add that despite low self-esteem, I'm a pretty woman with a good figure. Anyway, when I didn't hear back from him asap after meeting, I panicked and assumed I'd been dismissed out of hand. I sent a short note thanking him for meeting up and worried aloud he thought I was too old for him. (I'm only two years older) Then the next day I sent a much longer letter at the encouragement of my friend, owning up to my shyness, insecurity, and saying I really really liked him, though I wasn't sure in what way. He responded, kindly enough, but I interpreted it to be kind of telling me to calm down and step back. I feel now as though I've totally ruined the dynamic--that he now sees me as anxious and needy, sure those facets exist, but they're definitely not the whole picture. I wanted to provide all this honesty to him because I'm not going to pretend I'm super together and leading a glamorous life, when I'm not, and I'm basically looking for someone who can see me as I am, even the frailties, and still like, potentially love, what they see and know that there's the capacity for so much more than that. Is that possible? Have I wrecked it totally? Is there any way to go back to the fun way it was before my 'honest' letters made me seem so fragile? The thing is, obviously I wouldn't be upset if I didn't think this person was worthwhile. But I think I've inadvertendly made it very difficult for things to proceed well, but I'm not sure what, if anything I could do. I know I've lost the plot. I'm checking my email obsessively now, replying right away, and writing more often, and in my mind it's gone from being something fun and exciting to something I'm dwelling and worrying about and feel I've ruined. How can I change this back to a positive thing? And yes, I know I've overthought this, but in light of the bigger picture, all I said before, I hope you can appreciate why this means a lot to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Hello-
I would say back off. Dont contact him unless he contacts you. You are putting your eggs into one basket when you should be exploring more dates. Thats what it is dates, not relationships.
Men get scared off by needy, and if you keep going down this route you wont hear from this guy again. Join a gym, go to a charity and do volunteer work, these are good arenas for meeting people and they are places that have long openning hours. Once you start meeting people your confidence will grow. It will also show people that you are not just one dimensional.
Goodluck
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 hi
well done for coming out of the worst period of your life and getting back into dating. you are similar to me, although nobody knows it! i used to have very little confidence, still have my moments even now! i just 'act' more confident than i really am. it is a good habit to get into and eventually you will end up believing it.
when you enter a new relationship, yes it is lovely to be honest about your feelings and the past but i feel as if you are telling this guy too much too soon. let him get to know you and decide what sort of person you are. you are telling him all about your frailties and as he does not know you he is likely to now be thinking that life with you will be tough, as you will depend on him too much and it will be a depressing time. i would imagine that once that sort of scene is set, you will actually be sort of 'type-cast' and will find it more difficult to behave in a different, more confident, happy, carefree way.
my honest feeling is that you HAVE ruined your chances with him, so let it go. there are plenty more men in the world. next time - don't enter into it telling them all your 'bad' qualities. have a good look at yourself (and i don't mean your appearance) and find the good qualities - make sure that these are the ones that you tell people about - sell yourself! it is not about being dishonest or hiding the truth. the fact is is that you USED to be depressed and have no life - but you came out of that! you are not that way anymore so there is no need for you to categorise yourself that way.
dating and looking for relationships when you are down and lonely is not always good - it can lead you to make a lot of wrong choices, make you tolerate things that you shouldn't, and can leave you devastated and very low about yourself when things don't work out. so what you need to do before finding a boyfriend that you think will be the answer to your problems is to actually do some work on yourself.
get girlfriends
make a good relationship with your family if you can
maybe change your job to one that you find more fulfilling and gives you a better social life
get some self help books or read on internet about improving your confidence and positive thinking
take time to discover all your great qualities instead of labelling yourself as 'frail' 'depressed' 'low self esteem'- as these are the things that you do not really want to portray to the world - you are so much more than that and the sooner you start realising it the better!
so for now, stop checking your mails to see if the guy wants to give you another chance, write this one off as a lesson in how NOT to behave with someone new
best wishes
xx
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