A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:Hi guys. I don't know what to do about this situation. It has nothing to do with being in a relationship, but I'd appreciate some help here.How do people make small talk or conversation without feeling awkward? I want to make small talk with strangers just to be polite and make everyone feel comfortable. But I am extremely bad with socializing. Sometimes, I say stupid things.For example, a woman at the checkout at a supermarket once asked me if I had a busy day ahead of me... I said yes, I have to walk the dog... And she laughed. Not the kind of laughter I wanted. She was almost laughing "at" me.I often talk to family members without too much trouble, but that's different. I need to make friends or make people feel better with small talk. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): Hi Bruce,yet again,
Jilly here..thanks for your kind words. I've read your reply, and wanted to add something for you: Not knowing whether to talk to strangers is the same for everyone - you are not alone, trust me. If you feel someone is keeping themselves to themselves, skip them...You don't have to make small talk with everyone. If you see someone reading a book, a paper, looking out of a window, or perhaps into the distance..these are good signs they do not want to interact. As you become more confident, you will learn what works..but don't worry, it's all a bit of trial and error for us all.
Being interested in others is a huge plus, being able to pass the time of day with someone, it doesn't have to be Einstein stuff, just genuine interest makes most people open up. LISTENING is vital to good communication and
small talk. Don't interrupt until someone finishes, then follow on with something related to what the person was saying, don't switch subjects too quickly, otherwise it can look like you want to get it back on to something about yourself...which IF you're a bit nervous tends to be the easy route, just try to avoid it.
I have to say I'm impressed by the way you have opened up on here, it tells me you are a warm person certainly on the way to being more confident. Really hope you conquer this, and sure you will!
Jilly X
A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (29 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes, you are all right. But one of the problems I have with talking to strangers is not knowing whether or not they even want to talk. Sometimes, I get the feeling that they are busy or in a bad mood, and that makes it very awkward if I want to make conversation.
But Cerberus has a point when he says to keep the conversation context related. I will try that one day. I guess it's about what I think is right at the time, and what I'm willing to live with.
Dear Jilly gave the best answer I thought. The thing about NATS is so true. We can jump to conclusions when we are not feeling confident. We read into things too much.
Forgive me if I have left anyone out. But it's early in the morning still. Around 5.15am in Australia.
...............................
A
female
reader, Misstee  +, writes (29 May 2010):
Gee i wouldnt have said it betta. take this advice especially the smile part... and if i may add: dont automatically assume that that stranger is now your friend cause chances are that you may be eager to take their number and you then call em and they just may not be interestd. i chat up strangerz all the time and majority of the time i dont wanna now meet up 4 a chat again unless they gave me some kind of counselling, which only happend once.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 Hi Bruce Lee,
Cerberus has given you excellent advice. I just want to add this - give yourself credit. You can do it, because you are already doing it. You PMed me some times, remember ? Was it uncomfortable ? No it wasn't. You asked me about my hobbies, , I asked about yours- a normal conversation. Sure I was not in front of you- but it's not that different in person. Just ,like Cerberus suggests, adjust to the context, let people talk about themselves, and really LISTEN,they like that. Don't change subjecdt too abruptly,don't ask strangers anything too private,and don't take everything they say too personally,you are not the only one that occasionally says stupid things !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): Bruce,
Hello..it is obvious you lack a little self-esteem and confidence, we ALL do from time to time, it is nothing whatsoever to worry about. Easier said than done I know, but before I try to give you some tips, let me just say. When someone feels awkward about making small talk, they very often mistake a reaction they get from people as something negative. Which I feel you may have done with the woman at the checkout. Because you are already worrying, and not feeling confident, you automatically see any kind of response in a more negative way, than someone who's confident.
When I did some training for counselling, in particular Cognitive behavioural therapy, we work on the assumption that people who feel not so good about themselves, have what is commonly known as NATS, meaning negative attitude thoughts, and again ALL of us have them to some degree, and this can be turned around I assure you. So first try to relax and be yourself around people. And remember most us feel a little awkward when making 'small talk'
Small talk is merely opening up conversation about anything, that YOU, and the person you might want to say something to, can relate, or easily answer. The weather is an obvious opener, or making a comment about your surroundings, or perhaps a making compliment. For example: You're at the checkout, and the checkout girl is really helpful and friendly, so you could mention this, anything that opens up dialogue between you and another person. It doesn't have to be lengthy at first, just a few words to get a response.
It is always good to practice being warm, open and friendly. Smile at people. Next time you walk down the street, instead of looking away from people, try this, just simply smile at someone coming towards you, and you will notice they will smile back - it is very hard for people not to react to a smile and warmth. Once you start building up your confidence with good effect, I'm sure your ability to open up and make small talk will get easier.
Lastly, if someone laughs WITH you, in response to something you've said, turn it into a positive, think positive. Instead of, they were laughing at me, THINK they were laughing because they were being FRIENDLY, because, it may be, they didn't know exactly what to say either. People rarely are that cruel to laugh at someone, in anyway other than through being sociable. So keep working away at building your confidence. Good luck!
Jilly X
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): Hey Bruce,
Just talk about things based on the context of the situation.
But you know what the best trick is to small talk? A sincere smile. Seriously you can pretty much say almost anything you want if you're smiling. A smile is a great thing, it makes people comfortable around you and if you say something inappropriate by accident most people will think you were just joking of you're smiling. Like that lady asking about your day, even though I'd say she was laughing with you as she thought you were joking a smile would have made sure she was.
As regard topics as I said it's context related, you're queueing in a bank talk about how long the person has been waiting, in the supermarket talk about the price of food or a certain grocery item they have that you think is good.
Another general rule of thumb is that people love talking about themselves, it's just the way we're built. So ask them general non-invasive questions about themselves. Where are they from, have they lived here long, have they a busy day ahead of them etc.
Avoid questions like, what's your bra size? have you had many sexual partners? do you have an STD? do you wanna see my penis? Haha
...............................
|
