A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I've bee going out with my girlfriend for almost two years now. We live together and enjoy many activities and hobbies together. I'd say that in general, our relationship is doing well. The only issue would be the sex part. I'm a male and do like to have sex more than her.At the beginning of our relationship, it was easy to have sex. She would come to me often for it, and I would do the same. Now that it's been two years, things have changed. She doesn't come to me for sex often (maybe once every two, three weeks) and if I go to her, it will frustrate her a lot of times. The sex is still really enjoyable when we do make love. We had discussions over this and what I know for sure is that if she's not in the mood, she just doesn't want to have sex, period. She doesn't let much space for temptation either. We have started fighting over this in the passed few months and it's worrying me. One thing that worries me most is the fact that she seems to want to be able to decide when we have sex, or when we don't. It feels really unnatural and forced.I'm kind of out of clues as to what to do with this. I've tried giving her more space and not being so "needy" but it seems that she is still finding reasons to get mad at me about sex. I'm worrying that she is using sex to nourish some sort of frustration inside her. Frustration for what ? I'm really not sure. She could also be using this frustration for control as she knows it makes me feel really bad when she's frustrated like that.If anyone would have any advice on this, it would be greatly appreciated. I'd simply like to have some tips as to what I could do for things to get better.Thanks.
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female
reader, xXJDXx  +, writes (20 August 2010):
Hi again and no problem.
Other than what I've already said there's not much else I can suggest, you certainly shouldn't just wait for her to approach you though! As she's said sometimes she feels like her friend, who suffers with depression it's a vicious cycle, she'll feel just as bad as you do when she turns you down, but at the same time she won't understand why she does it if that makes sense. I kno it feels like some sort of emotional control but it's not when depression could be involved.. If she's closed off emotionally towards you, you need to help her bring the barriers down by showing her that you appreciate her.
It does sound like there is a deeper problem beneth the surface, so the more effort you our into making her feel special, the more likely she is to let those guards down and open up to you.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I really hope things work out for you. Take care, JD x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, JD.
I'm not sure if she's in a depression though one of her friend has been depressed for some time and she does mention that she feels like that friend sometimes. She also just recently stopped taking birth control pills and it seems to be having a positive effect on her libido and general mood, but it did not help out with her frustrations.
What I'm really worried about is the fact that sometimes she's really excited about sex, will have so much fun and feel incredible after it, but some other times she just totally rejects me from it and make me feel like I'm the worst person on earth. Communication is impossible at that point and that's when the evening is usually ruined.
Should I simply stop asking her for sex and always let it come from her and jump on the opportunity when it comes around ? I don't feel like this would be right, but maybe I'm wrong. For some reason, I feel like there are more deeper problems beneath the surface.
I'm a very emotional person and she knows that. I'm not sure if she is emotional or not because most of the time she keeps it inside. I'm worried that she might be using this sex things to "play" with me and have emotional control over me. Though being emotional, not much can really make me feel bad in general as I am a very positive person. With her, I can get very down and sad when she makes me feel guilty about the sex demands.
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A
female
reader, xXJDXx +, writes (19 August 2010):
Hmm this is a tricky one.. Could she have depression?
Sounds quite similar to myself when I had depression. But that aside try these.
Try incorperating some surprise romance.. Cook a meal get a nice bottle of wine in.. Make her feel really special, and mean it, treat her every so often by just running her a bubble bath, making her a cuppa, give her a foot rub, anything she asks you to do normally try to just do without her prompting her.
I know this all sounds like alot and time consuming but you don't have to do it everyday, just once in a while, and trust me the relationship WILL benefit, once your focusing on her, showing her more appreciation she'll return the favour!
Also if your spending lots of time together rather than just been 'together' try incorperating some fun, go out with some mates and just have a good time. Simple things my dear.
Good luck! JD :)
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