A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27. I dated a guy for two and a half years, and he was the love of my life. It wasn't my first serious, long-term relationship, or even the first time i'd been in love, but it was the first time i felt like I knew what people meant when they say when you've found the person to marry, you just *know*. I loved this guy. I mean, head-over-heels, gut-wrenching, i'd-do-anything-for-him, loved him. Loved him in a way i never knew was possible. In all my life, I'll never get bored of just talking with him - we can talk for hours, and even after three years, he absolutely fascinates me. I love his family and want them as my own.All that said, the relationship itself had real problems. We were competing w/ each other for jobs, there was a lot of hurt feelings and compounded resentment, and things just got to a point where we weren't being real w/ each other anymore. It's like, we could have fun together, but there was this wall that was keeping us from really being TRULY intimate w/ each other ... sort of a constant struggle for control, etc.I went away for a couple of months, and towards the end, I found out he'd cheated on me one night w/ a girl he met at a bar. There'd clearly been a strain in our r-ship before that (I'd wanted to cheat, but didn't go through w/ it), so it wasn't completely shocking he was tempted, although i never thought he'd actually betray me that way. We broke up when I found out.Two months of total freeze out -- no communication at all. Then, in the last month, we've been talking again. Lots of conversation abt what went wrong b/w us, how we got to a place where we were both looking outside the r-ship for what was missing, instead of really working together for real intimacy, etc. And I'm remembering how much i loved him and how much I miss him. And he tells me this is terrible, and he still loves me, can't imagine anyone he'd connect with better, etc. I could even forgive him for the cheating, i think, b/c he's generally a very trustworthy guy, he knows he did a terrible thing, he feels very bad about it, and i guess i just feel i can understand it, b/c of where we were in our r-ship, and the knowledge that i was almost right there w/ him.But he doesn't want to get back together. He wants to call and talk, keep in touch ... he misses me. But he doesn't want to be w/ me, b/c he's just too unsure of everything and couldn't guarantee me that everything would be different than before, and says it's not fair to pull me around like that (which i agree)How do I deal? I'm inclined to tell him to just leave me alone - stop calling - b/c it's so hard to move on from a love i felt so deeply. My heart still says this will work out some day, but I'm nearly 28. How do I wait? Seems stupid; I don't want to be stupid. But how do I move on? How do I convince myself he's never going to want what I want, when he won't tell me that?
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (2 January 2008):
 Trust is of the utmost importance in a relationship. Without it, all else fails. It might not be a bad thing at all for you guys to go your own separate ways, in fact it does more good than harm. You are however, a little bit more hung up on this relationship than he is, because you have this complex whereby you worry that you may never meet someone else as 'perfect' as he was, and you feel that someone of your age should be settled and trying to start a family of their own. This is perfectly normal as we're only human and we see things set by society's norm.
But perhaps you should try looking at it this way, isn't it better that you found out that he's not that trust worthy after all, now when you're still young and only a couple of years into the relationship, rather than when you're 50 years old and have had his children! Or you can just try believing in the simple fact that everything happens for a reason, that there is someone else out there for you, who will not cheat on you even when times are rough (but isn't that what a 'perfect' partner is supposed to do anyway?!!). You are still very young and have ample time to start over, but why spend your youth waiting away for someone who is not even sure if he wants to get back together or not, despite the fact that you are the one giving him another chance for cheating on you.
I suggest you remove the ball away from his court. Do not let him in on your hurt feelings, and that you wish for him to come back. What he needs now is to have a long, hard ponder on his life, what he wants out of it, and who he wants to spend it with. He also needs to realise that you are not going to sit around for 2 weeks waiting for him to decide on whether or not he's coming around, let alone forever!! Life's too precious to be putting on hold for anyone. Believe you me, he isn't the only guy around town, and there will be plenty more who will be better than your previous guy, especially in the loyalty department. Good luck.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (2 January 2008):
I feel your pain girl.I'm in a similar situation even though i'm a man.My ex likes it when i call her everyday and even plans on coming to visit me and stay over.I know it must hurt when your heart still wants him back but he doesn't want the same thing.You are lucky he still feels like that about you rather than being told there ain't no more love for you.
In my opinion,if you give just a bit more time you'll be back.I have a feeling he's unsure and fears what it would be like getting back together.Give it a bit more time before you decide to give up.I see hope.
Good luck.
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