A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My current partner and I got together while he and his then wife were going through a slightly bumpy divorce. Our relationship evolved pretty fast, and I didn’t see this as an issue because they had since moved away from each other, living in their own places.It was, apparently, an issue because his ex-wife hates me. She frequently has snide remarks about my clothing, job, our age difference (we’re 20 years apart), hobbies…etc. She is not also only passive aggressive but also has called be names (“home wrecker”, slut…etc). It wouldn’t be so much of an issue if they didn’t have a 4 year old daughter who is over on the weekends and sometimes during the week. Our solution so far is to just avoid her when she’s dropping off their daughter or stay away during family events like birthdays. It sounds stupid but I don’t want to be hated. I’m not a particularly confrontational person so I have just been content to lie down and take it to make her feel more comfortable. So, I suppose my question is how do I make her not hate me? I don’t expect to be friends, just a respectful acknowledgement of each other.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 If you want to be with this man then you need to accept that she is never ever going to like you. To her you are half her age and you took away her husband and her daughters dad, she will never forgive that am afraid. The best thing you can do is just avoid her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2017):
 Nothing you can do.
I'm sorry.
She rather BLAME you for the marriage not working (even if you didn't start dating till it was already broken and the divorce started).
I think if ANYONE can tell her to tone it down it's your partner. However, she might not listen.
My husband had been divorced for 5 years when he and I met. She started with all kind of unreasonable demands on how I wasn't "allowed" to be around the kids - how he had to have supervised visitation (and SHE had to be supervising) - and that is just the tip of the iceberg with her. Even NOW after 20 years of marriage, she is still a cow when it comes to me. I had gotten some gift cards for my husband's oldest daughters B-day - she lives a couple of states away so gift wards were just easier as SHE could buy whatever SHE wanted instead of US (hubby and I) trying to guess what a 27-year-old might like... And his ex-wife threw a fit... Seriously. A giftcard was too impersonal and cold... and that HAD to have been my idea. Sure, it was my idea - because I rather send a giftcard than a gift NO ONE wants. It makes sense.
So I know how SOME exes are. They are tied up in some BITTER existence where YOU become the "enemy" because they a. don't have a life or b. haven't moved on or c. are just nasty people.
Maybe have a 3rd party pick up the child and drop her off, it could be a solution. Or LET HER VENT her poison. The ONLY one who really is affected IS her. YOU can choose NOT to swallow and just be polite and courteous. At some point, she will either realize that SHE CAN'T affect you (trust me she will HATE that) or she will move on.
As for not going to family events, well that sucks. I would NOT stay away if SHE is the only one being rude. If everyone else has accepted you, then GO - they will SEE how stupid she is acting. If the family gathering is HER side of the family, I'd stay away. My guess is you won't be missing much.
Confronting her will Not make her stop - it will ESCALATE matters. You telling a woman older than you to grow up or have some class or manners... it's not going to go over well at all.
Stick to taking the high road and TALK to your partner. HE DOES need to stick up for you.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 I'd say the chances of that happening are zero.
To her you always will be the person that ruined her relationship, whether you did or not, I don't think there's anything that you could do to make her change her opinion on you so I wouldn't even waste my time worrying about it.
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