A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just got back from a month staying with my boyfriend overseas (we're in a strong, loving LDR, it's been two years now) and of course I'm feeling pretty emotional and depressed. I know I'll be okay without him, because I've done it before and I'm prepared to wait for him.What I'm more concerned about is the transition I have to make, getting used to being alone again. It seems like my life has become a holding pattern. I work hard juggling university and work, save up all my money for the plane tickets and count the days till I leave. I am only truly happy when I am with him, and then my month with him is over and I have to go back. Then it starts all over again and I have to balance work and university so that I earn enough to buy plane tickets again and count the days till I can leave. I know you might be thinking "why doesn't HE do the work and come visit YOU" but he is locked into an apprenticeship so his holidays are practically non existent! He has offered to pay for my tickets but I never accept because I don't want to feel like I 'owe him'.My real question is how do I make this holding pattern less painful? The biggest issue I have while I'm in 'waiting mode' is loneliness. I would really like to be more sociable but work and study keep me busy, I don't have any friends I see on a regular basis. The people at my University do not interest me at all (save for a select few and they're in different courses so we rarely ever catch up). My weekends are eaten up because Saturdays and Sundays are the only days off my boyfriend gets, he calls me and we talk deep into the night.I hate my workplace and I really want a new job but this may mean taking a lower wage, and I need that good wage to help pay for the plane tickets. My boyfriend has strongly suggested that I look for a new job and if I don't earn enough for plane tickets he'll pay the rest. Does this sound reasonable?My boyfriend copes with our LDR a lot better than I do because he has friends at work and doesn't feel as isolated as I do. I want to be as stable as he is during the times we are apart. Our relationship is completely trouble free except for distance and me missing him terribly half the year. How would you suggest I go about finding new friends and making this LDR less painful during the times we are apart?
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Well....I stand corrected. You guys sound pretty committed. Hang in there. It seems there are a lot of couples in your age range going through this.
Good luck hun!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, just so you know I would love to emigrate and be with him but he has made me promise to complete my degree (I finish end of 2009) and after that I will need to do a month-long course to teach English overseas so we have accepted the fact that we can't be together until early 2010. Then I am planning to move closer to him for a while, work by teaching English until he finishes his apprenticeship in 2011 and we both move back to where I am now so he can go to university.
We are definitely planning YEARS ahead from now and yes it's a bit intimidating but I am absolutely devoted to him and I intend on staying with him. He has made clear to me that in the future he wants us to live together and I'm happy to do that, it's just a matter of getting our study years out of the way.
I am introverted and usually I wait for people to try and be friends with me instead of the other way around. I totally admit that my life has become too centered around him and that is why I asked how I should best turn around this situation without having to break up with my boyfriend. He appears to be coping better than I am, but then again he has a five day work week so I doubt he has as much time as me to dwell on the distance between us. I know he misses me as much as I miss him, he just doesn't show his emotion eg. cry as much as me haha.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 August 2008):
I know exactly how you feel. There are 50 days and 12 hours till I next see my husband so when you talked about the countdown and holding pattern I understand completely.
I respect the fact that you don't want to take his money from him but this isn't like he's flying you out for the first time to take advantage of you and dump you when you get back. This is a relationship and you have to help eachother out.
I think you should look for another job. One where you really enjoy it and get on with the people you work with. You may have to take a lower wage but he can help chip in with the flight. Other things you could consider doing are getting an airmiles credit card. Put absolutely everything you buy on the card and then pay it in full every month so you don't pay interest. That will help with flight costs.
The way I cope with it is by getting a new hobby every time hubbie goes away. This time I am jewellery making, I'm hoping to get a stall on one of the big christmas craft fairs and make a few quid. Either that or buy a game cube (they are super cheap now the Wii is out) Something you can do in the time when you are sitting clock watching.
Your degree will only be another year or two long, his apprenticeship won't last for ever. It won't always be like this and you or he can emigrate and get a good job once they are done.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (1 August 2008):
Hi hun
As I read your post the thing that struck me that you are missing in your life right now is balance. You are astute enough to see that you have perhaps over focused on your relationship because other things in your life are not going that well. The way I see it your stress is coming from three sources. The first is your age. You are really young to be contending with a the stresses of a long distance relationship. At the age you are at now you should be experiencing life as it comes your way, not painfully awaiting because you cannot be with your boyfriend. I think there are people who come your way with whom you could build a relationship but you are not giving them a chance. Have you thought about why? Is there a reason why you cannot relocate to be with him? Has he asked you. I know you cannot just make one life disappear to start another one but if you are this miserable, it might be something you could consider.
You sound like much of your self esteem and identity is tied up with this relationship. It is understandable if there is mutual love there...it must be so hard. You mention that you are willing to wait...I am assuming he has offered you a commitment in the future. It would be painful to be going through all of this and then find that there may not be a future. You also mention that he is doing fine with the situation...he is doing fine and you are in pain...what is that all about.
Hun, even if you are with him in the future, you cannot live through him. It may be that you are shy and introverted but believe me, things with fall apart pretty quickly if you do not have a life of your own.
You say you want to meet new people. Write up a list of some of your interests. Do you like books..join a book clube. Do you like animals, work at a animal shelter. Enjoy working with seniors...there is probably someone who would love to spend time with you. In a sense it is easier to fixate on your boyfriend and the life you do not have because you are chosing to put it on hold....these are some of your best years..enjoy them now.
As for your boyfriend, you may have to ask yourself what you are pretending not to know. If he has not mentioned you being together very soon...you may want to rethink this. Guys are guys and he may just assume you are willing to go along with this martyr situation. Empower yourself and get out and find life a bit. In doing so you will meet new friends and will not be as apt to fret about a situation which a lot of young women your age probably would not put up with.
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