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How can I make my husband feel better about our sex life?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 August 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 18 August 2017)
A female Argentina age 51-59, *ancy50 writes:

I am a woman of 50 years, I married 10 years ago. I was single for 40 years and naturally I had several sexual partners (26 men more precisely). The problem is that I have never had orgasms with my current husband. He is very dedicated in bed, not my best lover but I love him. We have no secrets between us and we share our email accounts. The thing is that in the last years several ex lovers have sent emails reminding us of sexual moments that we have spent together. My husband was angry about it but his anger did not last long. I assured him that I had no attraction for my ex-lovers. It was important to note that he had asked me why I did not have orgasms via intercourse with him and I had answered that I had never had them in that way. The problem is that one of my ex lovers wrote an email, remembering a particular sexual encounter where he caused me a squirt and where he related with many details as I had enjoyed that orgasm, all accompanied by some photos of his erect member (much bigger and thick than my husband's). My husband told me that I was a liar because I had assured him that I had never had orgasms via intercourse. Now he feels like a bad lover and does not really want to have sex with me. On the other hand it is true that I have had orgasms with other men via intercourse and that most of my former lovers were better endowed (my husband has a little bit less of 5 inches and normal girth), What can I do to make him feel better?. The only way I haave orgasms with him is via oral sex

View related questions: liar, my ex, oral sex, orgasm, sex life, squirt

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017):

Do you think really that my picture is a problem? Except some close friends I don't know his colleagues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017):

Do you think really that my picture is a problem? Except some close friends I don't know his colleagues.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (16 August 2017):

Ciar agony auntI believe the point about the picture was not so much about YOU but about your husband, who can more easily be identified because of it. Anyone who knows who you, by it, will also know about your husband's most personal anguish.

But then, if you'd bothered to actually THINK about your actions ahead of time you wouldn't have the marital problems you're having.

All so avoidable...a shame.

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A female reader, Nancy50 Argentina +, writes (16 August 2017):

Nancy50 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Nancy50 agony auntRegarding my picture, that's me. All my life I was molested and observed because of my breast. I cannot do anything. I am who I am and I have the body I have. At this time I have learnt to tolerate that men lay their eyes there, it does not bother me anymore. I am an open mind person also.

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A female reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal United States +, writes (12 August 2017):

This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal agony auntColor me skeptical but your avatar picture shows your face quite clearly and also your large breasts. Suggests you are seeking male attention. Starting to see why your husband doubts your fidelity.

Code Warrior gave you good advice. Follow it. And remove that picture from your profile so your husband doesn't find yet another example of your iffy boundaries.

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A female reader, Nancy50 Argentina +, writes (12 August 2017):

Nancy50 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Nancy50 agony auntThank you Code Warrior, I needed these words, thank you. I always thought that I had had a normal number of lovers (bear in mind that women lie about number all the time), I really didn't care in the past but I try to understand what my husband feels.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (11 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntsorry for you and the polite you find yourself in, I hope he can get over the fact that he can not give you what others have in the same way, but he should all so be happy to try to find with you new things that are as good if not better, after all, that what been with a new person is supposed to be about and not just the same sex as you could get of the postman,

some things we just some things we just can't undo and have to find a way to deal with or work around

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (11 August 2017):

Nancy,

Please go to couples therapy. Your husband needs some one else to tell him that it's all right to have a normal size penis and that you love him and you want to have sex with him only.

His insecurities are getting in the way of your relationship, and it's putting a strain on the relationship.

Best luck!

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A female reader, Nancy50 Argentina +, writes (11 August 2017):

Nancy50 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Nancy50 agony auntHi, thank you for your responses . I have blocked these guys every time. I do not want to keep in touch with them. Obviously some of them are still horny but I do not. I do not care about size or if I had orgasms with others, I love my husband. I have tried to reassure my love to him but he still does not want touch me because he says that nothing he can do will be better than the kind of sex I have had. I do not know what to do

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A male reader, soulstar99 United States +, writes (5 August 2017):

I gotta say, this is a really terrible situation...for your husband. I can only imagine how he must feel.

How to make him feel better? You might want to start blocking your ex-lovers from emailing you. You might need to start finding ways to show/prove your devotion and affection for your husband. He just wants to feel like he is enough for you. Actions speak louder than words. Good luck.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (4 August 2017):

Ciar agony auntNancy, the fact that former lovers (plural, even not just one!) are sending you these emails is not a sign of their enduring fondness for you but proof of their blatant lack of respect. If these men were content with their own lives and had the women of their dreams they wouldn't be sniffing around like dogs to see if you're still in heat.

And the fact that you haven't blocked them and cut all contact suggests you crave male attention and validation while giving yourself deniability.

Some folks use honesty as a means of creating insecurity in others. And for others it's a means of passing the buck. I suspect there is a bit of both here.

You may not be trying to injure your husband, but him feeling jealous and inferior to your past experiences is a lot better than you feeling that way about his.

This is all very trashy. Block and delete the exes, for God's sake, whether your husband stays with you or not. They don't respect you. They just want to see if you're still horny.

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A female reader, Nancy50 Argentina +, writes (4 August 2017):

Nancy50 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Nancy50 agony auntHi, OP here.

First of all I never encouraged to my ex lovers to send me those kind of emails, my responses always have been that they stopped sending me mails or photos of their penises. Since I have nothing to hide I share my email account with my husband, I always have been faithful and never had sex with another man since I am with my husband. But anyway he thinks that I have been promiscuous and the worst thing is that he feels inadequate

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (3 August 2017):

judgedick agony aunt In TRYING TOO hard to get things right we can all mess up and get everything wrong, and that is what you did, you can not undo what you have walked your self into,

YOU ARE BEING VERY OPEN to open to your husband, he does not need to know any of you crap about his penis being smaller than the other 26 lovers and in your efforts in being truthful to him you lied about your orgasms,

I commend you for being open to him and while you're not responsible for emails sent to you by other people and ex-lovers, It would be interesting to know what your response to all these ex-lovers was, are you encouraging this type contact from your ex's,

While I think it is you that should be helping me as I have had only one lover ever, they say the only thing you should take from your last relationship is the experience picked up,

there are some things we can't fix and you should have left your ex-lovers in the past, you know now why, plus in your efforts to be open and show him how honest you can be you lied and now he knows you lie to him about some things so trust has being damaged,

Now to try to answer your question you have hurt your husband in the worst way one could, you're going to have to put ten times more work into making it better, so you have to re-educate yourself on every thing to do with sex and sex positions to find the one that works for you and him, or you are going to have to become the queen of fake orgasms and run the risk of being found out again,

I can only see this eating away at your marriage if you fail to reassure your husband as a lover worth having, a lot will depend on how you husband sees himself as a lover if he is happy to be your oral king, If he can't get over the image of your sex with others,

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017):

You are doing the right things but I don't know how much it can help. Your husband has to deal with feeling sexually inadequate and losing trust in your respect/honesty about it at the same time.

Having a lot of sexual experience and lovers has upsides but this is one of the downsides. You have to take the bad with the good. So does your husband.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (2 August 2017):

I would tell him that you really don't mind not having an orgasm through intercourse.

If he is withholding sex from you, you can either have a serious talk with him and ask him to stop doing that. Or you can take the initiative until he feels comfortable having sex with you. He may be feeling bad about having a normal size pen-is, and might be feeling jealous about your past partners.

Since you reach orgasm through oral sex, then I don't see a problem here. An orgasm is an orgasm, regardless of how you reached it.

And my final piece of advice, and which I think is that is the source cause of all of your husband's insecurities, is you staying in contact with past partners, even if those people just sent you random di-ck pics and remind you of the old times.

You are married now, and you should not allow that kind of things to happen.

If you really love your husband, how would you feel if he starts getting random emails from past partners sending naked pics and reminding him of good sexual encounters?

Best luck!

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