A
female
age
41-50,
*ejectedFemme
writes:My boyfriend was married to a woman for 5 years, and she left him mostly because there sex life wasn't happening. I met him a year after his divorce, and now the same seems to be happening with us. We both love each other, and want the relationship to work, but I feel out of my depth as to how to go about getting him interested in me sexually. I'm 31, and he's 36. His dating history mostly consisted of one night stands and very short relationships with beautiful, curvy women, and he loses interest in not long after he has slept with them. When he does date someone seriously, it is only a woman who is intelligent as well as being attractive, so that he respects her and somehow puts her into a different category in his own head.I think what occurs is that he puts the long-term girlfriend (me) on a pedestal that at the same time desexualizes. There is almost a virgin / whore dichotomy, whereby his longterm intelligent girlfriend is "too good" to be thought of as a slut or sexualized. And on some level it may also be turning the girlfriend into a kind of mother-figure. I'm just not sure.When I try and talk about why he isn't interested in me, he makes excuses or says he doesn't know but he always loses interests in his girlfriend and it is not me in particular. He says he finds me attractive but doesn't feel that sexually aroused. I'm 5"7 tall, with long hair and slim with naturally D breasts which he says he finds the most attractive body type for him, and combined with my intelligence was what attracted him to me.When we first started dating, I didn't let him have sex with me until we had been dating for a while, and he likes the challenge and the chase. He made a good deal of effort that time, and diminished effort the second or third time. But after that the frequency of sex has become less and less, 1 or 2 times a week at most. He watches a lot of lesbian Dominatrix pornography, and is into BDSM. I am happy enough to play along with this and to Dominate him once a week or so, but I would also like to have other kinds of sex and for him to show an interest in Me. He likes to be tied up with the woman on top, and this is a kind of outlet from the high responsibility of his job to play the sexually submissive role. He likes fantasizing about my friends, or being tied up and dominated by several women at the same time.I long for a man who shows more interest in me, who wants to make love to me sometimes too. I've always been a very sexual woman and enjoyed sex with my ex-boyfriends and never in my life experienced any kind of problems sexually with anyone, up until now. I am at my wit's end and I just don't know what to do. The longer this is going on (9 months now), the worse I feel about myself, and the relationship. I feel more and more unattractive, and my self-esteem is going downhill. I have tried to get counselling but he struggles to fit it in around his very full-on job which he is paid in the very upper category for.All my friends tell me that I am very attractive by anyone's standards and are so surprised that he is not more into me. I've ascertained that he's not gay, he's definitely into women. When he's had a few drinks and feeling less inhibited and I ask him a bit more, he tells me that he only likes porn-star kind of sex, and ideally with women who he just objectifies.But why can't he objectify me? or any long-term girlfriend? Surely it's possible for a man to respect his girlfriend or wife and want to have dirty nasty sex with her.He was very hurt when his ex-wife left him, without much warning or notice either, over the sexual issues. It sounds as though it had been mounting below the surface and neither of them talked about it much, and she brought it up quite late in the piece and then left him a short while later. He felt devastated, believing that marriage was something you work on and was devastated that she could end the relationship so flippantly, without trying to work things through. And I don't want to be like her and just give up when the rest of our relationship is so great, and I am open-minded sexually and happy to try and work things through or experiment. But I just don't know where to begin.Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.Rejected femme.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RejectedFemme +, writes (8 April 2011):
RejectedFemme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers. I really appreciate it. To Ana Q, I have been quite open-minded to the possibility that "he's just not that into me", and that maybe another girl will do it for him. But it does seem to be that EVERY woman with whom he is with for a long-term relationship, ie beyond chase and conquest, he loses interest in sexually. The only girl I know of that he managed to maintain interest in was one who flew off constantly and disappeared not to be heard of for months at a time, and then returned, so it was still really in the chase and conquest stage. Literally every woman he has lost sexual interest in them after the conquest stage.
I've had a good chat with him tonight, and expressed how serious an issue it is for me. I feel that my self-esteem has dropped to about a 2 out of 10. Slowly eating away at me. And I've actually sent him a link to this post, in the hope it will make him better see how serious it is.
And hopefully he will either come to conselling with me at 9 am tomorrow.
If not, I am walking.
A
female
reader, Ana Q  +, writes (7 April 2011):
The title alone of your letter is an issue in it of itself as we can never "make" anyone interested in us, sexually or otherwise. It sounds like you are a perfectly beautiful and worthy woman, but your man has some sort of sexual issues going on, along with not fully recovering from the divorce which is keeping him from enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with you. Doesn't matter if you look like a porn star model, it sounds like there is something deeper going on with him. First let me say that it is an unhealthy situation, and the man you are with should never reveal fantasies to you about your friends. That borders on abusive and you should not have to deal with that. Your man should make you feel like the only woman in the world. You say you want to be objectified, but do you? It sounds like you want to be loved by him because he is your partner, rightfully so. I am 32 years old and use to only have short term flings until I met a man I stayed with for 3 years. I was not sexually aroused by him eventhough he was attractive. I kept attributing it to the fact that I missed the thrill of short affairs so eventually we broke up. I met another man shortly after and assumed the same thing would happen. I have to tell you that I have never been more turned on by someone in my life. The point being is that I too thought I could only be turned on by no strings thrilling sex- until I met the man I loved who turned on me like no other everytime we had sex and it's like the flings of the past but 100X better. When you are with the right partner, the sex should be exciting and fun for both people- sure you will have moments of not being in the mood, but for the most part sex is an expression of the love you feel for eachother. In a healthy relationship, the love will be the inspiration to automatically want to be intimate with your partner. It sounds like there are 1 of 2 things going on here; You're man may just not be attracted or in love with you (gorgeous as you may be)and you must stop thinking it's because he is either gay or crazy. Like I said in the above, I was not wanting sex with a very attractive ex of mine because the chemistry just wasn't there. Not because of any other reason.The other possibility is that your partner is struggling with some other issues that have nothing to do with you. I can't imagine he is happy like this either. The fact that he is openly revealing fantasies to you about your friends and that he claims to only like porn sex indicates some sort of internal issue going on. My advice to you is to give him the ultimatum to either go to counseling with you, or leave. Your self esteem is taking a huge hit here and sex is extremely important in a relationship. This will not just go away or get better without some sort of therapy. If he does not have time for it, perhaps you do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to work on the relationship. The situation as it stands is very unhealthy and you do not want to waste time as a beautiful and intelligent woman with someone who cannot appreciate you and love you the way you deserve. Whatever you do, do something as you cannot afford to go on like this.Best of Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): a)Is he gay?
b) Sex expresses love and if he has these 'kinks' then maybe counselling would help you both work through these problems and find a workable solution
c) Attraction isnt just about being 'hot' or goodlooking the most beautiful women in the world have been rejected at some point
d) If he's not prepared to listen or go to counselling he's being completely selfish - are you happy with living in a virtually sexless marriage indefinately?
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