A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2years but he doesn't seem like he wants to commit and i don't think i can wait any longer. We've spoke about getting engaged but he doesn't seem interested and the same with a baby, theres always things in the way to put him off. We both have jobs and are moving out of my parents house beginning of 2012. It's now or never for me but how can i pursuade him or should i just give up? I'm finding myself looking out for other men incase we split up and the arguments about commitment are ruining the relationship. Any help is appreciate, im so confused with it all!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 I think he may be doing you a favor, to not commit right now, you just don't realize it yet. Look, everyone's timing is different, but a guy who was willing to have a baby after only being with the mother for 7 months has some issues with good judgement. Perhaps other parts of his anatomy did his decision making for him then? Now that he is a father, he may have come to realize there's a lot more to being responsible for a baby that merely providing genetic material. Maybe he's come to realize he doesn't want to be tied down in the same way you would like?
I think it's reasonable of you to ask for a commitment after two years, it's a pity he doesn't feel the same urgency but then life is often about timing. It think it's also reasonable of you to split up with him so you can meet someone who does share your goals.
There's nothing wrong with you, this isn't a failing on your part, it's about the timing. So don't treat it as a failure.
Maybe this will all be your prelude to a new and more interesting chapter in your life. I would mourn the loss of the relationship but I would also feel as though I'd freed myself from a guy who was holding me back. It's about how you look at the transition.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Once again, I must say I agree with Celtic Tiger.
You ask what is so wrong about wanting to have a child with him. I'll tell you: first, you should wait until the two of you get married, whether that's in one year, two or five - don't worry, you won't be past child-bearing age!
Second: He actually planned to have a baby with a woman he had known for SEVEN MONTHS. Tell me: is he paying child support? He should be, considering he impregnated her (whether deliberately or not). He is responsible for helping support HIS CHILD financially if not emotionally. Does he still see his ex regularly in order to spend time with the youngster?
At any rate, all this doesn't speak well for him. Not a good recommendation, as Celtic Tiger has pointed out. And as she also said, how do you know he wouldn't get you pregnant and then leave later on?
Short answer: you don't. There's no guarantee that he'll marry you, or even stay with you.
Not only that, he's been living with you at your Mum's for more than a year. Is he contributing financially to the rent and household expenses? Are you? Or do you expect your Mother to pay for everything?
An aside note: I'd be surprised if your Mum hasn't pointed out some of the same things we're telling you.
Perhaps it's fortunate (I know you don't see it that way) that he refuses to talk about having a baby with you, or marriage or commitment.......
Finally, this does not sound like a very good situation at all.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (20 September 2011):
Once again, I must say I agree with Celtic Tiger.
You ask what is so wrong about wanting to have a child with him. I'll tell you: first, you should wait until the two of you get married, whether that's in one year, two or five - don't worry, you won't be past child-bearing age!
Second: He actually planned to have a baby with a woman he had known for SEVEN MONTHS. Tell me: is he paying child support? He should be, considering he impregnated her (whether deliberately or not). He is responsible for helping support HIS CHILD financially if not emotionally. Does he still see his ex regularly in order to spend time with the youngster?
At any rate, all this doesn't speak well for him. Not a good recommendation, as Celtic Tiger has pointed out. And as she also said, how do you know he wouldn't get you pregnant and then leave later on?
Short answer: you don't. There's no guarantee that he'll marry you, or even stay with you.
Not only that, he's been living with you at your Mum's for more than a year. Is he contributing financially to the rent and household expenses? Are you? Or do you expect your Mother to pay for everything?
An aside note: I'd be surprised if your Mum hasn't pointed out some of the same things we're telling you.
Perhaps it's fortunate (I know you don't see it that way) that he refuses to talk about having a baby with you, or marriage or commitment.......
Finally, this does not sound like a very good situation at all.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (19 September 2011):
 OK, so he is 25, and has a child with a woman he only knew for 7 months.
Now he is dating you.
That isn't a great track records. What is to say you won't get pregnant and he will move on.
He has already left one mother and child, how do you know he wouldnt do that to you as well?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to clarify, he is 25 and already has a child and planned for that child with someone who he had been with for 7months! so whats so wrong with me that we can't have a child, and im not saying i want that child now because i don't, maybe in years time yes but he wont even talk or consider it. He has been living with me at my mums for over a year.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Whew, lady, cool your jets!!
Seriously, why are you saying "its now or never for me" and you only, what, 19? 20? And how old is HE? You have your whole lives still ahead of you.
You have a job, and are only just planning to move out of your parents' home - you'd be wise to rent an apartment on your own - NOT move in with your bf! - or get a roommate. Get established in your job and work on building up some savings.........marriage, let alone a baby, will be VERY expensive, no matter how happy you both are.
Is your bf well-established in his job and career? What would you do if, having married you, he were to get laid off? You know what the economy is like, don't you? Losing a job and being unable to find another for a long time is not a remote possibility!
The more you pressure him to get engaged the less inclined he's going to be to want to. You already can see that constantly arguing about commitment, is, as you said, ruining your relationship. If you value this relationship, forget about looking out for other men, (UNLESS a breakup does occur, and even then, you should take a couple months or so before dating others, to think about what happened and what you would change about of your behavior and wants. Also, of course, to grieve and allow some healing to take place).
So - relax and ease up on him, and enjoy his company! Celtic Tiger's advice is well worth thinking about!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I agree. You're still very young and there is no rush to make any big commitments. However if that is what you want and you're ready for it then I suggest you find someone who wants the same. You cannot make your boyfriend do anything and trying to convince him is pushy and unfair.
I also suggest that, in future, you not move in with someone until you're both ready to commit. There is no point in giving someone the benefits of a wife until you have the legal recognition and protection of a wife.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (18 September 2011):
You need to chill out a little bit.
You are still only VERY VERY young. 18-21 years old. You are both only just adults (I know you think you are all grown up) but you are still learning about yourselves, what you want in life, where you see yourselves.
Men mature more slowly than women. Really he is still just a big kid. By pressing for marriage (as that is what an engagement means), babies etc, that may be putting him under a lot of pressure and he could be panicking. Even men in their mid-late 20's would panic about their girlfriends mentioning the word 'engagement' or 'baby'. It is too much too soon. Men particularly do not like the idea of being tied down for the rest of their lives. Neither of you has experienced independance. You are still being cared for by parents. Men need that time of self reliance, before having to take on responsibility for a family. He would probably grow to resent you.
If he is the one, it will do no harm to wait until you are older for things like babies and marriage. It is a piece of paper, that is legally binding. Should you split in another 3 yrs time (you would only be 24) you can both walk away free people. If you are married it is not that simple. You have to divorce, finances have to be split, many things have to be taken into consideration, and it could takes years to sort it out.
Do you want to be a 24 yr old divorcee?
The majority of relationships formed in the late teens/early 20's do not last, because you grow up. What you wanted as a teenager, changes as you grow older. People change, feelings change, wants, needs and desires change.
Just enjoy the relationship for now. Enjoy being with your boyfriend.
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