A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my guy coming up to 4 months.We're a lot closer now than we ever have been.I had been on my own before him, coming up to 5 years (apart from one 10 mnth relationship nearly 2 years ago)I love him, but i haven't told him yet. He hasn't say ILY to me either, but pretty much puts me first in everything and appears as though he does.The problem I've got is that I've never experienced anyone so insecure.He gets jealous a little easy, I can be a flirt but since he has told me he doesn't like it, I don't flirt in his company (or when not in his company).He said to me last week that he wants more affection from me. Basically he gets very insecure, and because when he fell out of love with his ex, he no longer wanted to be affectionate, he thinks if I'm not all over him I'm going off him.I have spoken about this and have reassured him many times.He has said that he gets tired of coming over to me for hugs all the time, or to grab my hand in public. I'll admit, in the beginning I did let him initiate a hell of a lot more,,,but now I would say that it is equal.Friday we went out and he was ok to begin with - we were in a bar and were laughing together loads, then I saw my friend and was talkng to her, and its after that time that he went into a sulk and basically embarrassed me in front of friends because he was acting so grumpy. I waited until we got home and then asked him what the problem was,,,,he says this:He feels as though I'm TOO independent for him,,,he likes to feel needed (I DO need him. I borrow his car. I rely on him for advice on looking for a new car.) I explained this.He feels as though I'm not giving him enough affection (this is mainly due to the fact that when he came round to mine on tues, I was in a bit of a bad mood due to work and was a bit cold with him all night - i did apologise and explain why this was though)He feels that because I'm so intellegent (his words not mine) that I will get bored of him at some point. He is intelligent too by the way, and I have told him this. It's just that I am so fascinated by countries cultures history and he's never had a girlfriend that was even interested in this.He reassures me that he feels I am the right person for him and that he is happy 95% of the time but needs MORE from me. He says he craves affection from me.I am trying to give him more affection. He says his walls come down cause I do something which makes him think "yeah she defiantely does have feelings for me",,,,,then he says I might do something a bit dismissive like not give him a kiss when I first meet him and he is back to worrying that I am not into him again.I am often suggested things for the two of us to do and I am with him most days of the week, but have two days where I do my own things and he does his.I am at a stage in my life now where I am not the clingy needy girlfriend,,,,I USED to be,,,but with being on my own and figuring out a few things that went wrong in previous rleationships, I feel as though I have turned a corner and am able to relax more, without being needy.However, I feel as though i must be doing something wrong.I have told him that rather than going grumpy and saying nothing is wrong and ruining an evening, come to me and tell me what the problem is and I will reassure him. I don't mind. But I have told him that doing that behaviour will turn me off if he keeps going mardy without telling me whats wrong.He says he understands but hates admitting that he feels insecure because he feels a wuss.Guys, what can i do to make him feel MORE NEEDED?I love this guy, I truely do and haven't been this happy in a long time, apart from these niggles,,,,In my past relationships guys always said I was TOO affectionate not the other. I frequently cuddle him in bed and on the sofa and I have said that the only reason I m not all over him when we're out is because most guys dont' like too much PDA and he agreed that he DOESNT like too much of it either,,,So what do I do?I guess what I am most scared of is losing him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): heya thanks for the advice, i shall take that on board.
Best wishes xxx
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