A
female
age
41-50,
*ragongirl
writes:I could use some advise if anyone has any "insight" or experience or wise words...I have an ex-boyfriend who doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with what he does...Short: We date 3 years. He's always been open about having a crush on another girl ("Mads", from his past). But played it off that since she lives in HI it was nothing for me to worry about. For the first year I was "accepting" of their "friendship" talking on the phone and facebooking and such. But at some point I learned that they were having inappropriate conversations, ei. he jokingly offered to let her suck his dick. And I broke up with him. (among other unfaithful acts, ei flirting on the phone with other female friends and signing up for a dating website AND responding to a craigslist ad for casual sex...) Never the less we got back together 4 months later... with the stipulations that he would never be friends with her again.And 15 months later we broke up again. Haha. Skip to last month. He called telling me how much he missed me and realized how miserableness he was without me. So we started talking. Fast forward one week, he was visiting CO where the "Mads" now lives. I asked him if he went to visit her. He said yes, they had drinks. I told him never to contact me again. He is now again trying to get in contact with me. Saying how getting together with her was a good thing because now he sees that he has nothing in common with her and he's "over her". HOW can I make him understand that it's too late? The fact that he even had to go meet with her to find that out... is betrayal enough and completely unforgivable. I don't know how to explain that the fact that he always feels like there are greener pastures is WRONG. And I will never be able to trust him. Or if you have another view that I'm in the wrong please share that with me too...
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 This guy is a tool and I should use to him to fix my dumbbell rack at my gym. Complete idiot. Agreed.. you need to have some serious ovaries here and cut off all contact from him. Emails, phones, facebook... everything so that he gets it in his head that what he did was definitely wrong. Some guys need to be treated like this cause theyre immature and childish... its a firm message and I encourage it to be sent. If he threatens you in any way, tell him youll contact the police and also, dont tell him before you do all this cause then you might get sucked back in to his bs. Just cut him off... kick it, and let it wiggle on the floor.. well, ahh you know what i mean :)
A
male
reader, JakeChaucer +, writes (11 January 2012):
stay away from him, tell him the truth, maybe restraining order if things get out of hand? tellsomeone whats going on just incase crap starts happening you know
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 The only way he will understand it's over is when he never hears from you again. Block his phone and emails.
If there is nothing more to talk about then stop talking. As long as there is an open line of communication he has a chance (it worked for him last time).
At the end of the day it doesn't matter whether he thinks what he did was wrong or not. You did and you cut him loose. Wise choice. Now stick to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): One thing is sure, you will never be able to trust him.
He's a serial cheater at least emotionally.
The problem is that he doesn't "get it" yet. You can't make him "get it" either.
Eventually he may, but some people just never do, and end up lonely and alone after having blown many a potentially good relationship.
What you can do is protect yourself from his actions. You are not only not in the wrong, you are more than patient.
No contact is the best option for both of you. By doing this, and never allowing him back into your life, he may learn the true price of these betrayals and stop them eventually.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I don't understand why you feel the need to make him understand. I think he understands alright. What is there to explain that you haven't explained already? You had your stipulation: he was to cease contact with this woman or else the relationship wouldn't work. He knew that and understood your reasoning, but he doesn't care. He did and will continue to do what he wants to do because he knows he can. And why not? He can be selfish, he can lie and make BS promises and he knows you'll eventually cave in and accept him back into your life.Look at your history. How many times did you dump him for the same crap only to get back together with him? If you can't stand firm in your resolutions, he won't take your break-ups seriously, nor will he respect you. You already lost all respect when you accepted him into your life, KNOWING he had feelings for another female. When you did that, it translated into: hey, I know I am not the only woman in your life, and even though I don't like, I'll be with you anyway because I really like you. And this is exactly why you're being treated the way you are. You set the standard really low and now you're being treated accordingly. I think you need to face the fact that he just doesn't care that much about you. If he was in love with you, he wouldn't be having all these inappropriate relationships with women, setting up dating accounts and responding to Craigslist ads. I mean come on! If he thinks the grass is greener on the other side, it's because he really DOES think that. All his actions indicate that he doesn't see you as the one for him You're weak when it comes to the verbal BS that he is feeding you, so you need to cease all communication with him. Block your number, or change it and remove him from your social media networks. If you don't, you'll just get suckered into getting back together with him because you know, he said he loves you and misses you. Don't waste any more time with this loser. Cut your losses and set higher standards for your next relationship.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Next time he calls you, tell him flat-out that he's had his chance to make a go of it with you, and he's blown it. Tell him "IT.IS.TOO.LATE." "I cannot trust you, and this is at an end. You.are.NOT.to.contact.me.ever.again. If you try to, I will not respond to your calls, emails, texts, etc. Understood?"
Allow him a very brief response and then disconnect the call. Do not permit him to try to trot out any arguments or persuasion as to why the relationship should continue. If he attempts it, hang up even sooner.
After that, as person12345 says, cut off all contact. Completely. If he calls you by hiding his caller ID, the second you realize it's him, HANG UP!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 January 2012):
 You make him understand by cutting off contact with him. Stop taking his calls, stop responding. You're enabling his behavior by taking the time to try to explain it. You've explained it. He can either choose to understand or he can choose not to, but it's not on you to make him understand. Good for you for having the strength to break this nasty break up get back together cycle that many people find themselves in.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 January 2012):
You make him understand by cutting off contact with him. Stop taking his calls, stop responding. You're enabling his behavior by taking the time to try to explain it. You've explained it. He can either choose to understand or he can choose not to, but it's not on you to make him understand. Good for you for having the strength to break this nasty break up get back together cycle that many people find themselves in.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Just stop taking his calls. You don't need to explain to him what he's done wrong..he already knows.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): You're absolutely in the right for breaking it off with him (again). it's not your responsibility to "make him understand." All you have to do, is to stick to your word by refusing to get back together with him and refusing to engage in conversation with him. simply stop returning his emails and calls and texts. Simply act like he no longer exists. You don't owe him any more explanation and you don't need him to agree with you on why you're breaking up. Breaking up is not a democratic decision, it is your decision and yours only and he can either deal with it in a good or bad way either way won't stop you following through with your decision.Whether or not he accepts your explanation is irrelevant. You just stick with your side of the story and stay away from him and he'll eventually move on when he gets tired or bored.
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