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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I need advice on how to deal with the fact that I had an affair and whether to fess up to my man or not. I was a total slut; I was seeing another guy for 8 months so no, it wasn´t a brief fling or one drunken mistake, I was completely sober and aware of my actions so I´m not going to try and justify my sins in any way. The man I´m with and have been for 8 years now has no idea what´s been going on or at least I think not. Our relationship has been in some trouble and yes there has been less sex and less affection but I suppose this happens in every relationship at some point and if we both had worked a bit harder it might have ended the "dry spell". I just don´t know if either of us really wants to make it work anymore since we´ve been neglecting each other for quite a while and we don´t really talk about the stuff that matters, I´ve tried in the past but he just shuts down so every time we get into a crisis something terrible has to happen before he reacts. (I´m not saying I cheated on him to get a reaction out of him. His introversion is not my excuse for having it off with someone else.) I have no idea what he´s thinking because he doesn´t tell me and therefore I haven´t been telling him much either. My affair started out of sexual frustration at first but it was more than that in the end and I fell in love with the other guy. The fact that I was so head over heels for him (sexually and otherwise) made me realize that I would have to distance myself from him to have the ability to explore whether it was something more or just an easy escape from having to deal with the reality. He´s gone now - literally, since he is from another country and was in my neck of the woods for just a year - and what I am thinking now is that can I make an honest effort in saving my long-term relationship without telling him the fact that I was seeing someone else behind his back? Can I honestly ever again tell him that I love him and actually mean it after what I´ve done? Right now I don´t even know if I love him or not. Is it possible to love someone and simultaneously be in love with another man? I don´t know. I feel that I am so confused and screwed up right now that I´m not in a place where it´s wise to make big decisions. I´m not that worried about myself since I am the slut here but after consciously hurting my guy for months I want to at least try and do what´s right; I want to come up with a solution that will hurt him as little as possible. He deserves so much better than what he´s been getting. It would be so easy to blame him for driving me into another man´s arms by not giving me the emotional and sexual attention I need but the problems we´ve had have emerged due to mutual lack of effort so I won´t do that.The other guy - well, he´s madly in love with me, he´s beautiful and kind and intelligent and great in bed - and I have known him for less than a year so the reality of things is foreign to us both; we still see each other in an unrealistic and romantic way, and we all know what happens to that once the novelty wears off..and though I do still want him and have big feelings for him I think the fact that we´re apart for now is good so we can both take a breath since the 8 months we had were intense and crazy and neither of us could think straight. I could have a life with him too if I want to. But I cannot make fundamental decisions in my life based on who I´m with now can I? Perhaps I shouldn´t be in a relationship at all. Having an affair has been a great eye-opener for me; discovering this side of myself has given me a lot of insight into other things as well. I guess you could say that I´ve been drifting in life on other levels too, career and otherwise, and the other guy just made me realize that this is not the way to deal with identity crisis, no matter how fab the sex is.And as for the guy I´m living with- I have no idea how to deal with him. Do you think I should tell him or not? I want to do right by him after doing so much wrong - and I don´t want to tell him just to throw my own guilt in his face, I need insight to what I should do, whether we stay together or not. Thanks in advance!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I fully agree with "LazyGuy";
Not much to add; just:
I suggest you take some "time out"; maybe go away for a day or two; clear your head; put your thoughts down on paper; do some soul searching; what do you want from a relationship etc; then have a good talk to your boyfriend; take it from there.
Which ever way things are going to go; don't delay!
Best of wishes!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Well, two things.
First, you need to figure out what you want. Cause from your post I get the idea that you have no idea about that. Stick with the regular, the foreigner OR be single?
Why did you not work harder at your relationship? Love fades and can be impossible to re-kindle especially if neither side can be bothered. Perhaps that relationship is just over?
As for the foreigner, well he had an affair with a woman he knew was in a relationship. Just how committed is he to having you fulltime? You sure he is interested that way? Also, that relation is still the rose-colored glasses stage, the hormones still control it JUST like the relationship with the regular was early on. Will your feelings for the foreigner not also fade with time and neither side being bothered to do anything about it?
A second thing. Lying in a relationship is a bitch even if you think of it as a white lie. Say you rekindle the relationship, you two fall in love again and all is wonderful and then the affair comes out.
How would he take that?
If you want to continue with the regular guy I would suggest telling the truth even if you are 99% sure it will end the relationship because if he finds out later, that is 100% certain and then there is no more telling the truth. We can survive cheating but a loss of trust is fatal to relationships. Just browse this forum to see the evidence.
Frankly I think you might need to accept that you might have to let both go, get your own life in order and hope you meet someone else so you can start a new and this time avoid the same mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 I think that answer can only be given by yourself! What would be the right or wrong thing for you... However, in your post you concentrate your self on how since you made it wrong by sleeping with someone else, you want to make it right by standing by him. You stress you don't know if you love him or if you want to continue with him or not and I think that is basic here.
On one hand you can't really know what or how you feel because the emotional distance with your spouse continues to be there and the romantic attachment with the lover also exists. Choosing between the old and "boring" and the new and "exiting" would be an easy task not meaning it would be the wisest.
Can you afford a mental health counselor or someone you can trust and who you consider to be "wise"? I would assume the correct thing to do would be to begin a process of identifying what is wrong with your marriage, when it went wrong and if it is fixable (while cutting communication with the lover). You could also do a list of good and bad things in your marriage and ask your spouse to do the same. This could begin a heart to heart conversation between you and him. The truth is if you feel it's been really difficult with your spouse, he probably feels the same. And in the last 8 months, if you didn't "kill" what was left of that relationship, chances of it being VERY damaged are good. All this time he was probably neglected emotionally as well as physically.
During this conversation it might seem appropriate to tell him about the affair. I would only do that if I really wanted to work out the relationship and telling him meant I would stop all contact with this person and a clean start with the husband. I wouldn't give too much details or how great it was, maybe just basics and couple counseling. However, if you, during the conversation, discover you want to part ways, I would not tell as there is nothing constructive about telling him. I would also wait a considerable amount of time before going back to the other person. You have a lot of soul searching to do before beginning a new relationship.
Hope it helps...
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