A
male
age
,
*ch
writes:My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other going on five months now, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me by far, we share a lot of the same interests, enjoy the same things, and really hit it off better than I ever thought imaginable. After we took our relationship to the physical level, it was very very wonderful, we just couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Then one evening she was at my house, she wasn't feeling well as her allergies were bothering her alot. We went to bed and watched some TV and she dosed off and I did as well, I woke up afer an hour or so and snuggled next to her and started kissing her and touching her and eventually began making love to her. Well, I could see imediately that she wasn't in the mood due to the fact that she wasn't feeling well and was on medication for her allergies, At no time did she tell me that she didn't want to by the way, so being how I realized this after we were into it this far I just stopped and went to sleep. THe next morning I was feeling really bad about what had happened and I apologized to her and I told her that I felt that I had taken advantage of her and at that point I discovered that she was very upset about it as well. This episode has truly affected our relationship, she doesn't desire me the way she use to at all, she tells me that I really violated her and she is having a hard time getting past this. She has compared this to if she would have slept with someone else then she would expect me to forgive her, which I am unable to relate the too but somehow she has. She has told me that if it would have been anywone else she would have left them in a heartbeat, she definitely has feelings for me and wants us to be together but this is going to take time to get over. My question is what do I do to put this behind us or help her put it behind her and get back to the wonderful way things were befor this happened? I love her very much, we still talk all the time and go out and spend time together but hardly any romance and no intimacy. Please help me! This lady means everything to me and I don't want to loose her.
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male
reader, rch +, writes (29 June 2009):
rch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses, they were very helpful and comforting. This issue has been weighing heavy on me and everyones input helped a lot. Things are getting better, we had a great weekend, I really feel things coming back togehter for us. She complimented me on being patient with her on this and she told me that is what it will take to get things back the way they were. I have all the patience in the world because I truly love her and want things to be perfect. Again, thank you for your advise.
Rick
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Send her a letter outlining how much you love her and how sorry you are for what happened etc then remind her of all the reasons why you love her and mention some of the wonderful things she has said to you and recall some special moments together. A letter like this can connect in a different way to a conversation as it gives the reader an opportunity to reflect and remember. Its intention is to draw back to the past before the incident and hold her there long enough to get past the incident. Make sure you are not there when she gets it and stay away long enough for it to settle in. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I can totally understand why she feels that way. You knew before she went to sleep that she wasn't feeling well, and started being intimate with her despite the fact that she wasn't awake enough to consent. That's very self-centered behavior. Just because you desire someone doesn't mean you don't have to take consent into account. On top of that you've only been dating five months which is not a long time to build that type of trust.
Obviously the lady has strong feelings for you, so you can't do anything but be patient and show her that you are a trustworthy person. It will take a lot of work on your part, and you should make it a priority to pay attention to her needs and considerations.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 June 2009):
I kind of agree is natasia. If she's your girlfriend and you started to make love, stopped, and then apologized...I really don't see what the big deal is either. I'm sure she was annoyed by it since she wasn't feeling well, and then she saw that you felt "bad" and now wants to punish you for it. It's not like she was given a roofie and was completely unconscious! You sensed that she wasn't into it and you stopped. I think she's being a bit overly sensitive and is trying to use that as a reason to be upset with you.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 ps
and to the person who said any woman would be cross ...
no, not any woman, because I certainly wouldn't be - I would be delighted.
And I promise I am a woman. : )
nx
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 June 2009):
Hmm. I don't think I'm the best person to answer this, because I can't quite empathise with her, even though I too am a woman.
If I love someone and feel very physically close to someone, then I am truly happy whenever he makes any advances to me, even if I am asleep! And if as soon as you realised she didn't feel like it you stopped, I really really don't understand this. I mean, you felt close to her and presumably expected that she would enjoy it as well, but as soon as you realised something was wrong, you stopped.
I can't see how you violated her at all. To be honest, I think she is sort of violating your trust right now, in her response to this.I just wouldn't respond like this, and if you explained and felt so sorry and bad about it - why, how can she be cross with you for desiring her within the context of what had been up until then a wonderfully close physical relationship?
No no no. Something else is going on here. And that nonsense about how it is as big a thing for her to forgive you as it would be for you to forgive her if she'd had an affair - what the hell is that?! Sorry, but there is no comparison at all. And surely as a female, it would be far worse to allow someone other than your boyfriend to penetrate you than for your boyfriend to do it affectionately as you were lying dozing???????
I just can't understand her. I'm sorry - I said I wouldn't be much help! I don't mean to upset you, but are you sure she hasn't slept with someone else and is working up to a kind of trade-off forgiveness??? Do you have any sense of that?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Ok that is a HUGE no-no. You DO not have sex with someone while they are sleeping, in a coma or passed out. OK?!
One thing is being woken up with some nice foreplay, but to wake up in the darn middle of it? I'd be furious.
You can try and ask HER what you can do to rectify your actions and comply with her answer. You are both grown up so talking about it shouldn't be to hard, don't sweep it under the carpet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): That was a ridiculous thing to do, I can totally see why she is upset about the whole thing, and probably feels totally violated. You slept with her when she clearly didn't want to (even if she didn't say it). You are meant to be somebody who she trusts, and you betrayed that trust. I accept that it might have been a mistake and that you got caught up in the moment but that's an explanation not an excuse. You need to try and make it up to her, accept that it might take a lot of time till she wants to be physically intimate with you again.
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A
female
reader, identifiable +, writes (24 June 2009):
 wow good question it seems you broken her trust really, and sex with someone you love is very intimate so breaking the intimate level is probably worse. As a girl i understand completely why she is not acting right with you, if i ahd a bf that couldnt take no for an answer one night i would go off him stupidly as you come across insensitive and self centered.. im sure this is not true its clear you care, so talk to her again about it saying i know things aint the same but one iidiotic mistake shouldnt ruin what you have. Prove your trust again by romantic gestures and bringing her mates into it e.g. why dont you invite your mates over somehow bring her envioment back down to a level of security she feels safe in and unviolated. In time she'll come around if she loves you as much as you do her time will definately heal her.
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