A
male
age
36-40,
*ailam52
writes:So me and my ex girlfriend have been together for 3 years now. We split up recently because our relationship went downhill, mainly because of me. At first, our relationship was perfect, about halfway, I started letting things that happened in my life change me. I became mean, and hateful all the time, and took it out on her (not physically) but verbally. This was also my first serious relationship.I started neglecting her and putting my selfish ways before her. I didn't let her talk to friends, mainly because they were guys and I thought that she would cheat on me or something. We stopped doing things together. We always stayed home instead of going out and doing something. She tried to talk to me about it my because of my stupidity, I wouldn't listen and continued being the way that I was.I'm the type of person who learns from my mistakes. I know exactly what I did wrong and I intend to make them right. I never meant to hurt her or anything, I just wasn't realizing that I was doing it. So she couldn't take it anymore after trying so hard for me to change. So she left me. I loved this girl and cared for her so much. But I was too blind to see what I was doing to push her away like that. We've been split up for a month now and we're still friends. I've completely changed back into the person that she fell in love with. I realized all my wrongs, and I corrected them. I'm continuing to work on myself. With the time apart, I've been able to do that. She see's that and so does everyone else who knows me. I want her back because I loved her and I feel so bad for hurting her the way I did. I want to make things right for us. She's told me that part of her still loves me and wants to be back with me, but the other part is happy that we're not together. I've asked her what can I do to make all of her love me and want to be back but she tells me that she's afraid to come back. She's afraid that I would do it all over again. Yet i've progressed so much since then. I guess my question is, what can I do to show her that I won't hurt her again? You guys don't know me so I would understand why you would say something like, how do you know you won't do it again? Because I love her so much that I can't afford to lose her a second time. What can I do to make her fall in love with me again? She says that she likes us being friends, and that's exactly how we started before we got together. How can I prove to her that I'm not just bull shitting around and make her think that a week later I would go right back to the same thing? And also, if we do end up together again, how can I maintain a healthy relationship with her? I know that trust is definitely an important thing in relationships. I found out the hard way that if you're significant other truly loves you, she could be in front of 10 different guys who are better than you and still come home to you because she's yours and no one elses. I realized that now. I've put the blame on myself for why all this happened, and I totally understand why she's afraid to get hurt again. But I wont, and I can't do that to her again. Any help would be great guys! Thanks
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male
reader, dailam52 +, writes (18 November 2009):
dailam52 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!!!!!!!!!
I guess all my patience and change has gone for the better, we are officially back together again and happier than ever. Dont worry, i'm not going back to my old ways, i've learned my lesson, and it is something I definitely do NOT want to have to learn for a second time! Thank you so much guys!
A
male
reader, grubbyduckling  +, writes (17 November 2009):
Yeah it sounds like a pretty positive conversation. Good for you! Thanks for keeping our advice in mind and hope everything works out well. Goodluck!
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reader, dailam52 +, writes (16 November 2009):
dailam52 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thanks and sorry if i sounded like i overreact to suggestions. I didnt mean to sound like that. But update!
Last night she wanted to go grab something to eat and she started telling me things like how she wants to be honest so I tell her that's ok, go ahead. She tells me that she misses me and she still loves me. She wants what we had before all the bs i created and I told her that if that's what she wants, then I will be more than happy to do that for her. She can definitely tell that i've changed into a WAY better person, better than the guy she fell in love with. I'm more mature, wiser, and I definitely know how to not lose her again. The only thing is, is that she wants all that again but she just hasn't figured out what we need in order to have that once again.
She says that the guy she's with now is a complete a-hole and is way too immature. She says that she doesn't want to be with him and she does want to be back with me, it's just gonna take her a little bit of time to figure some things out. So I told her that she can take all the time she wants and if she decides that she doesn't want to be back with me, then that's fine because I will always be her friend and will always be there for her. She thanks me for waiting.
On the way home in the car, i'm just quiet and she asks whats wrong. I told her that there are things I want to say to her at the end of the day but I cant because it wouldnt matter and because she's not my girl. And she says that maybe she wants to hear it. So i told her that I would like to say things like I love you babe, or I miss you babe but I cant say those to you anymore because your boyfriend is supposed to. She says, 'yeah right, he never says anything like that.' When I said those to her last night, she was quiet but she was smiling.
I dont know, i might just be assuming things but I hope i'm doing the right thing, just being there for her. Maybe she'll get back with me, who knows right? What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing yesterday? Just listening to her and waiting patiently so that she can think things through?
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male
reader, grubbyduckling +, writes (16 November 2009):
I don't mean to say 'avoid' her or disappear from her life...What other stuff is going on in your life? Studies? Work? Think more about that and bettering yourself right now. I'm saying that if she wants to be friends with you, then you'll need her to come to you. That's all. Just let her do her thing and if she needs to talk hear her out. Hope this helps man. Goodluck!
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 November 2009):
 We did not suggest that you "stay away completely." Nobody said that. You may be someone who overreacts to suggestions. Just cool it a bit, okay?
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male
reader, dailam52 +, writes (15 November 2009):
dailam52 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo what should I do then? Should I just stay away from her completely? She tells me that she wants to be my friend no matter what, but like you said, I don't want to 'crowd' her.
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male
reader, grubbyduckling +, writes (14 November 2009):
Having a child with each other certainly does up the stakes when it comes to staying in contact...I agree with DoubleM. We don't know you or her anymore intimately than what you've stated here...My advice is as mentioned as well. The only thing I will add in addition is this:In response to your comments about her 'rebound guy' and such, I really don't think you should be involving yourself with all of that. You hurt her, and she's got issues to deal with as a result of your relationship with her. If you crowd her it's going to make the situation worse for everyone involved. And ultimately, your child.
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (13 November 2009):
Well, we are not there , don't know her or you. My advice is as stated. Stay as close as she will allow and never be pushy or even jealous. That will not be easy, but she is in charge now.
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male
reader, dailam52 +, writes (13 November 2009):
dailam52 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, I really appreciate it. I figured that if I just let her be, and stay close to her as a friend and not pressuring her to come back to me, then maybe one day she will see that I really changed. And then maybe she will want to be with me again. For the time being, I'll give her space and time like you guys advised. How can I not look desperate though? Me being her friend and being there for her when she needs me, would that be considered desperate? I just want her to know that I respect her decisions. I would love to get back and make things work out this time, but it's so hard to be her friend and not keep wanting her back every time I talk to her or see her. Anymore suggestions? I really can't thank you guys enough for the advice.
Oh....and I forgot to mention that we have a 10 month old daughter together, could that be the reason why she still wants to be friends? AND, she tried dating this guy (rebound) for a couple weeks after we broke up but she realized that he's too immature and not boyfriend material for her. She's still with him, but she told me that she thinks she started dating again way to early. She did it without thinking and to try to get back at me and she says that she was wrong for that. She even told me that she's not saying that she wants to get back, but she does think about it. She's just too afraid that i'd do to her again.
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reader, dailam52 +, writes (13 November 2009):
dailam52 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, I really appreciate it. I figured that if I just let her be, and stay close to her as a friend and not pressuring her to come back to me, then maybe one day she will see that I really changed. And then maybe she will want to be with me again. For the time being, I'll give her space and time like you guys advised. How can I not look desperate though? Me being her friend and being there for her when she needs me, would that be considered desperate? I just want her to know that I respect her decisions. I would love to get back and make things work out this time, but it's so hard to be her friend and not keep wanting her back every time I talk to her or see her. Anymore suggestions? I really can't thank you guys enough for the advice.
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reader, grubbyduckling +, writes (12 November 2009):
The issue is trust. You can't really force her to trust you, or speed things up in that regard. If you keep being the person that you say you've grown into, that's all anyone can expect. The more you respect her free-will in this situation, the better.
Let her take her time, and make up her own mind as to what's right for her. If she doesn't want to get back together with you, then she's made the right choice for herself. Just respect her, give her space, and focus on other stuff for a little while.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): well for one thing stop blaming yourself that was the past u feel u have changed so why keep saying its your fault it seems like your ex girlfriend still has feelings for you because if she didnt she wud make a clean break she wouldnt stay friends wiyh you..so shes not that hurt hun if shes still there know what i mean..now this is going to sound strange but you should back off now she sees you have changed for the better. now leave her to make up her own mind can u do that.. if so it will leave her wondering and that way you dont seem desperate thats real unattractive to a any girl but whats irrisistable is her knowing your hurt but confident
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 November 2009):
Well, it seems that you have learned a great deal about life and relationships. For that, you are to be commended. But apparently, there are wounds that are difficult to heal. It has been said that time heals all wounds. It can, but time takes time.
I think that all you can do at this point is remain as close as possible to her, and keep proving that you value her, and that you have realized your mistakes. You cannot expect her to accept that premise right away, and in fact, being too forceful will prove otherwise. You may have lost her forever, and may end up having to accept that and move on. We call that "experience," and we chalk it up to those things that teach us not to repeat our mistakes.
Maybe, given time, you could possibly lure her back. But in Texas, where I'm native and still reside, once a snake bites you, it may bite you again. You simply have a long row to hoe, in this case, to convince her otherwise.
If things do not work out, then at least you have learned a very valuable lesson in life. You are still very young and will have opportunities to do much better in the future. The lesson is simple: Do not take out your life frustrations on the one you love.
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