A
male
age
41-50,
*itch
writes:I could really use some insight on why I am having suck mixed feeling about my relationship.Back in February my friend and started working out a new local gym that opened. Being guys we checked out the younger girls there. There was this one young college girl that asked me with some help with some equipment and we started working out together. I flirted endless but thought nothing of it considering I am twice her age. But surprisingly enough she returned my flirts with giggles and smiles. A few weeks later a group of guys went out for drinks to celebrate my 40th birthday and we ran into the cute college girl from the gym. I said since it was my birthday she had it have a drink with me and she did, lots of drinks actually . Most of the guys in my circle of friends are single and now looking back we were complete jerks. Taking a drunk girl home from a bar to sleep with wasn't something new for any of us. After tons of drinks were passed around my friends gave me a pat in the back and said to go home and fun. Once we got back to my place we were making out and I wanted to fuck her believe me, but I couldn't. I felt guilty that she was too drunk and I felt sorry for her. I ended up letting her sleep in my bed the next morning I felt even worse. She woke up scared, embarrassed and the look of shame on Her face made me feel like a jerk. I reassured her that we didn't have sex, offered her a sweater to make her feel more comfortable, fixed her something for her hangover and drove her home. My friends all assumed we had sex and I didn't brother telling them the difference, the next few times at the gym she didnt talk or even look in my direction . After a couple of weeks I went up and apologized to her. I wanted her to know that she didn't do anything wrong and that I was the jerk to even consider taking her home. We ended up going out for coffee and talked and I realized that she was an amazing kid. I kept reminding myself that she was only 20 years old, but I couldn't help but find her attractive For the past four months we have been dating and I have been beating myself up after ever date. I was a jack ass to girls for 20 years. I didn't want to settle down, I picked up girls, had sex and sent the on their way. One night stands were the norm and I honestly don't think there was a girl that I actual cared about until now. I absolutely love this girl, she is sweet, fun and beautiful. Her friends know about our relationship but no one in my circle of friends does. I have broken it off with her twice but ended up calling her back days later. I hate myself for dating her , she is 20, I'm 40. What kind of future could we possible have?. How will her family and my friends react when they hear I'm shacking up with a kid? Two weeks ago I told her we couldn't see each other. She was upset and left In tears. Last night I called her and she came over, we had the most amazing sex I have ever had. And it wasn't just about getting off, it was full of emotions. I told her I loved her, something I havent said since I was in college and probably the first time I have actually meant it. How can I love her but hate the idea of dating her so much? Is it ok to date her? She is of legal age but moral I feel like it is so wrong
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (9 August 2014):
Yikes! You are old enough to be her dad! Sorry, but that to me, is creepy.
What do you possibly have in common with a 20 year old girl? She is on a totally different level than you. You LOVE her! Yikes again! You can't help who you fall in love with.......I guess.
If you love her than why are you not introducing her to your family and friends? Is it because you know this is wrong? Do you feel that you are going to be judged? If this girl is so right for you, you need to share her with the rest of your world.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 Although you have expressed yourself in a softer , romantic, even poetic way, it boils down in practice to " to me she is good enough to f..k, but she is not good enough to date ".
Why is that ?:
two possible reasons that I can think of :
1 ) because deep down you know that you have chosen with your penis and not with your head and heart, and most of your love is based precisely on the alluring, exciting and ego flattering age difference.
2 ) because you may have chosen with your head and heart, but you know that your friends and relatives will think that you have in fact chosen with your penis and they will find that a bit pathetic. In other words, you'll miss the social apprival and endorsement of your peers.... which, on turn, begets and reiterates the question of
WHAT you have really ,really chosen with. I think that if you really had chosen with your head and heart, you could not care less what your peers have to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): Please stop playing with her head. Breaking up and getting back together and saying you love her. The girl is going to be an emotional wreck, not because you are twenty years older than her, but because you keep making her feel loved and after sex unloved. She's going to assume you are using her for sex and that is what you should be worried about.
Age is just a number. If you truly love this girl, you should take the relationship to the next level and marry her. People won't accept you shacking up with a girl half your age. But if she's married to you, they will. You won't be using her for sex nor hurting her by constantly having your foot half way out the door.
If you want to be with her then show it. Don't blow hot and cold with her. You'll damage her ability to trust any future men that she dates.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): You love her like a daughter. You are twice her age. What do you think would happen to her life if she settled down with you? What would she give up? Would she be isolated from her friends and family? Would she be able to make the same decisions about her career/education if she stayed with you? Are you willing to move if she wants to? Would you be willing to have kids if she wanted them ten years down the line?
Don't get me wrong. I am not judging you. I actually admire your character. Your friends might laugh at you if you told them you actually did not sleep with her that first time, but you are still the one with too much integrity to take advantage of a drunk girl half your age. Knowing her reaction the next day, aren't you glad you did?
I am sorry for any pain you are feeling, but I think you need to break it off and let her know that you are doing so out of your love for her. She is a child. It does sound like the two of you love each other strongly, but you need to look at this as "another time and place" sort of thing. You might also consider that you were able to tell her that you love her so easily because you know there is no real future (she does not know that). Perhaps you have some kind of fear of intimacy.
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