A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To explain my question I have to give some back ground. I grew up with extreamly over protective parents and was never allowed to date. Two months after I graduated high school I moved out. Two days after I moved out I went on my first date and was infatuated and lost my virginity to this man. I got pregnate. He moved in with me. 6 mos later we found out that his 5 kids from a previous relationship were in DHS custody. I fought for them and we were awarded custody 3 mos later. A month later we were married. I am now 24 and have 7 kids and a very unhappy marriage. At one point he told me that I wanted a fairy tale love and it didn't exist. He was taking long lunches at work with other wemon and telling me he was confused that he didn't know if he loved me. He still denies cheating on me. That was all over a year ago and he promised to do better. But he hasn't. He took me dancing a few months ago and he spent the night talking to another mans wife. He wanted to dance with her and told her husband to dance with me. When I said no he got mad so I just did it until the other man started being inappropriate when I looked for him for help he was all over the other women. When I left he got mad at me for ruining the night. I have tried to tough it out for the kids. He always says he is going to do better but he doesn't even want to sleep with me unless he has been drinking. He cusses at me alot. I didn't mean to but I met anoter man. We haven't dated or done anything he has just been a good friend. I don't know that I want to date this other man but I know that I am not happy. I don't know how to leave without hurting my kids and disappointing my family. I told him I wanted to leave and he cries and begs me to stay. I feel like he only wants me to stay to be his babysitter. Any advise would be great. Thank you.
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at work, lost my virginity, moved in, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 If you originally got joint custody you must have some rightss, you have been looking after these kids as if they were your own and that sleaze of a husband probably wouldn't give a damn about them anyway, OK so he fought for custody but was it because he knew he had you to look after them, perhaps.Get legal custody sorted out for the two children which are yours and as I said before check out your rights, know what is going to happen to these children and check with the social or care system to know for sure. Don't waste your life sitting around waiting for things to change as it won't unless you make it happen.You must always put your own children first and yourself so that you can regain your strength. I don't understand why you would have no rights as you having been mum since they came out of the DHS custody so I would get every bit of legal help I could and fight for them if you want them but yes initially you may have to leave in order to get them back. There is no easy answer here but get your own head straight first. Get your family and friends support as well and don't hold back on anything, your husband deserves everything that is coming his way and if he gives a damn about his kids then let him take the reigns for a while, might make a man out of him who knows.BFNCountry Womanx
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Marriage is not a bed of roses.
You have to work at it with your partner.
If he is willing to listen and change
then there is hope in your marriage.
You could give it another try on your terms or you leave.
If you are gonna leave, it depends on your love for the other kids.
If possible, take all 7 if you are allowed
and if you are capable of taking care of them.
Otherwise , take the 2 that are yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will be the first to say I know I have made mistakes. The 5 kids mother was abusive to them and they were taken away from her. They are my number one priority over any other guy or myself. That is the hardest part. I know that I would keep my two but the other 5 I was already told I have no rights to. That is what scares me I don't know how to leave without knowing they are okay. If I do leave I won't know that. But should my first priority be in the two that I gave birth to?
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (25 March 2008):
 jump ship this man is a parasite and has spread his genes sucessfully and your making it work for him, and he wants you to stay while he spawns more cuckoo's for you to suckle.
its pure darwin nasties
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (24 March 2008):
 well since everyone's sugar coating it or refusing to tell it how they see it, I'll go ahead with it: to hell with the whole damn thing, this life sucks so bad. just leave and take YOUR kids with you, you got no responsibility for the other 5, they're not your problem
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (24 March 2008):
Well the big quesiton in all of this is do you want all of the children to be with you and I know that is a terrible thing to say given the situation when you fought for custody but was that your voice or that of your then husband?
So if I am right in summing this up, two of the children are biologically yours is that right?
Please don't think I am being unfeeling but you have to be realistic in all of this, if you want to have 7 children then kick him out and stay put where you are. Get advice first though without your bum of a husband knowing. Know your rights as you will get subsidies and financial support and your husband will have to contribute to as all of these children are his. Just one question, where was the mother or mother's of the 5 children in all of this?
I do think it is a huge thing that you have undertaken by taking on the mother role for all of these children but do think long and hard before you make your decision in all of this, I think your family would understand this huge undertaking and talk to them, if like you say they have brought you up to be a truly decent woman then they will support you in whatever you do.
OK like you have already been told, you haven't made the wisest of moves in the past but that is just it, the PAST and now you have to deal with the present and the future.
Your husband as you already know is a waste of space and he could well go on to not care and father numerous other children, are you going to take them in to as he hasn't in the past chosen decent mothers apart from you.
You are only 24 so remember that a woman of your age with 7 children is one hell of a committment for any new man to take on so just bear that in mind OK.
You want to do right by the children and I fully understand where you are coming from but do think about yourself and your own children in all of this to. How old are these children btw?
How old is your husband as well?
Your husband will never change and when he blames you for spoiling his night of fun then it just goes to show what a waster he is.
I would get your own head straight before you embark on a new relationship with this new guy as I think you are heading for a massive fall, it may be nice and rosey right now but if you end up on your own with 7 children I don't think any man would want to play happy families and stay in watching TV.
If you leave without the children then yes they are bound to get hurt but right now living in a household with an abusive, drunken man is not good for them either, they deserve happiness to.
Don't waste your life at 24 and sign up to be Mother Teresa, you have a lot of life still to live so remember your own children and get support from your family and also advice and make a plan in your own mind about what you want out of life and get advice from the right organisations but don't put it into action until you are strong and ready to act.
Take care and always here to listen OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Fought for custody of the kids of your husband, a courageous effort.
Look, this guy obviously doesn't know what hell he wants in life and is clearly not the type of person you'd want raising kids.
There is no way of splitting up that will not hurt the kids. All you can do is help them cope as best you can and with any luck they'll find a way to move forward themselves (kids are quite adaptable and bounce back easily from this sort of thing when helped right).
You need to stop viewing the world as rosy and lovey-dovey. That type of love and relationship does exist, but it is rarer than a blue diamond. Some of the most intense and long lasting of loves have had to do with 90 percent perfect.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 This is not so much advice as a curiousity. Just what the hell kind of upbringing did you have that made you fall for this piece of trash?
What kind of role model did your parents set, or did you fall for this guy to spite your parents?
Lets face it, everything you say about this guy and your relationship raises a red flag. There is not a single good thing about any of it. Oh you may love your kids but I shudder to think what kind of rolemodel the two you are setting for them to follow.
You got to get yourself, but more importantly your kids, out of this. Contact a divorce lawyer with expertise in custody battles.
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