A
female
age
51-59,
*epeatedsmiler
writes:I've been hurt in the past with a boyfriend of 4 yrs. Throughout our relationship i've had his ex in my face not being able to let go. She went off with someone and was seeing someone for a while. In the middle of this I met him. She threatned to commit suicide and ever since he was unable to really cut loose from her.I've hung on thinking things would change but it really never. She was constantly interfering and he allowed her to. They still worked together in a art organisation with some other artists mates. I was not allowed in the studio all this time.I spent a long time talking to a best mate with whom I shared a house with. I told her everything and how i felt about our relationship and how it was getting me down. I did love the guy and things were good between us except for his ex and her emotional blackmail.It took four years of nothing changing. My best mate knew me 2 years into the relationship. Within that time I hadnt realized how close my mate and my boyfriend were getting towards the end of it.We finally finished and I poured my heart out to my best mate and all the time she was given me advice. After moving out of the house i shared with my mate I found out 6-7 weeks of splitting that they were seeing each other. I had some suspicion cause not so soon after we had split up she was working in the art studio with him. Of cause I was jealous but didnt want to behave like the emotional ex controlling things.I finally got the truth out of her a day before we due to go on holiday that they were seeing each other. I felt really crap just felt like two important people have been wrenched from my life and just so angry with them both. I really rated friendships and did not have many growing up. It took me a long time to confide in someone.The thing is I never seem to have shaken this experience of and its been 6 - 7 years now. I dont really trust anybody anymore. He was my first love and she has really spoilt friendships for me. That year was so tramatic for me and my dad past away a month of finding out about them.Has anyone got any advice about trusting people again, opening up and not just about relationships. I suppose trusting in friendships again. I've seem to cut myself off from people and I think I need to do something about it before it's too late.
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female
reader, Repeatedsmiler +, writes (13 September 2007):
Repeatedsmiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for replying It does make sense after reading a few times. I suppose I know what i should do but everything is not as easy as it seems. I was never good at the art of opening up when I was younger and then managed to get over it. I think I've drifted back in past and my own defence mechanisms. But your'e right treating each new person i meet or form friendships with as their own person.Thanks again
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Your lack of trust is normal but not normal. On the normal end, your not the only one who responds to this trauma in the way you did. On the not normal end. The behavior its self is abnormal. Let me shed some light on this. Most of you're changing this is up to you.
Imagine a relationship, and a friendship. Both of which, from within include people who manage them. People from within do something to end those situations, in a way that hurts the other person involved. They are no long there. They are out of the relationship and the friendship. (I hope you're following this. lol it's hard to word) So you have your relationship and your friendship, and the hurt person still inside. What is left too is what had happened.
Instead of associating the events with those who causes them, your brain associates them with relationship and friendship. Anyone who tries to enter into those areas with you are entering into a situation where pain all ready exists. You don't treat them as a new. Their associated with the old. That's why you feel as if you can't trust. Not everyone is like those two people. Not everyone will treat you wrong. Still your lack of trust with those who caused it, and give others a fair chance to earn or disearn your trust themselves.
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