A
female
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anonymous
writes:I find it really hard getting back into relationships with men and i find that i cannot trust anyone. You see i was going out with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years and he cheated on me, i was completely devastated however that was 4 years ago. Now i still find myself unable to get into a relationship with someone new in case i get hurt again. People say that it just takes time to get over someone and learn to love and trust again but 4 years?? I have a alot of admirers and a lot of men approach me but when it comes down to it i back myself off into a corner and feel very uncomfortable. How can i learn to trust another man again after what happened to me? I know that you should really tarr everyone with the same brush and all that but when it comes down to actually being with someone all i can think about is if they could cheat on me. I long to be in a relationship but when i get into one and get on the way i do men run a mile because i cant trust them. Pls help
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (11 November 2009):
 I'm no expert on dating as I am still to get back into that side of things but you don't say how old you are?
I think the actual allure of the chase is great for anyone as if they are finding attention from the opposite sex they know they are attractive but when it is on a one to one basis, all the insecurities creep back in and I think the whole ex bf issues come flooding back.
In all honesty maybe you should consider some level of counselling, now I am not saying your cuckoo or anything but maybe a relationship counsellor could help. You don't always have to be in a relationship to go to one or maybe just a normal counsellor who helps someone with low self esteem or being able to communicate without getting tongue tied or not over eager either.
I think just asking someone about themselves and their hobbies or interests is a good way to start, if asked about a previous relationship you could be honest but brief, don't go into to much detail. The whole thing about a new relationship is finding out all there is to know about the other person.
I know from my sister's previous experiences that she always seemed to date people she knew and would never consider anyone that she didn't already know. Eventually I convinced her to go online and she tried Friends Reunited Dating site, anyway after meeting a couple of different guys online, one of which she let down a couple of times and had to cancel meeting up, she finally met him and they have been together now for I think 3 times and been engaged for at least a year and a half and they are happy.
She has learnt that finding out more about him as she went along was more interesting and much more fun than knowing someone and then dating them as she already knew their history as such.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you once again!!
however do you have any ideas on how i can boost my self confidence back up again?? i feel that when i go out and get chatted up by men i'm boosting with confidence but when i make the next step and actually go on a date with them i lose it all again.. Sometimes i think to myself is it all a show with me, i know its a stupid question to ask yourself but i just don't know why i change into this shy untrusting girl when im on dates.
I dont think i ever mention my past relationships in conversation but what would i do just ask them plenty of questions about them? Like what for example? i don;t want to seem like a weirdo and ask bout their family and be completely boring i would honestly like to have one date without awkward silences, and just to be able to relax and talk freely...
I'm ok with my male friends i can talk the leg off a stool but i know what kind of things they are into and when we talk we talk about our day and just catch up on stuff is that the way i should act on a date too?? im totally unsure
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (2 November 2009):
Trying to replicate the feelings that your ex made you feel is not the right thing to do as it was all a farce, he didn't love you he used you sweetheart.
It felt good at the time but he let you down big time.
It is your self confidence that has been knocked and OK if someone new wanted to spend time with you and all you do is talk about your ex and how hurt you were then it really is off putting.
Showing interest in them and asking them about themselves and telling them what you like to do is so much better.
You need to work on you first and foremost and when you feel confident, that is the time to go out with someone. If it is all too raw and you feel that you can't cope then don't do it as it will end in disaster.
You say you want to be in a relationship but are you ready for what that entails. Don't judge everyone new but your old relationship as that was based on lies.
It is all going to be new and different. You can either live your life looking over your shoulder and saying oh this isn't the same as I had it before, or you could say this is new and I am discovering new things about this person.
Get rid of the old baggage and don't try and take it with you into a new relationship. It happened and now you need to dump that and move forward.
If you don't then you will end up lonely and alone and no one wants that.
You get one chance at life and if you continue to hold onto your ex as MR Wonderful who wasn't then he wins and you don't I am sure he is doing what he has always done and that is treating women badly and moving forward to the next one. Don't let him win, be the strong one and dig deep and find the new you. The more confident and wonderful woman that you are, just believe it now.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for ur answers some have really helped..The only thing im scared of is that if i do finally pick somebody to "make a go of it" with and they let me down again, im back to square one. I really don't want to end up alone and when i see all my friends with their partners it makes me kind of jealous, after watching them go through all their rough patches and come out as happy as they are i cant help think that will never be me. I have a lot of people around me and to be honest i don't know why but im scared to talk about these thigns with them. Everything always leads back to my ex and the way he treated me, maybe it because he's really the only person that ive ever loved properly. When i go on a date with someone i do try and act like myself but because im so out of practise with the whole dating scene i think it shows in me and they run a mile. I'm usually really out-going and funny but it seems whenever i date i just freeze up and think the worst in people and i know i really shouldnt but how do i help it?? i'm probably just making excuses for myself too and putting myself off as you lot say i can't prejudge everyone i meet based on my ex, all i really want is for someone to make me feel like he did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I can understand how you feel.
My second gf was a very sweet, kind of mousy girl. I never would have guessed that she had 3 other bfs and was playing all of them. I only found out when in public one of her other bfs stormed up and started abusing us.
Her best friend was a junkie and while high told me all about the other guys and even a new guy which she just started seeing!! Showed me pics and everything!!
When I confronted her on this she denyed all of it, and tryed to blame me for the incident with (as she said) that guy she met a couple of times.
I realised that she was just selfish and didnt care about me at all, I ended the relationship straight away. I literally had to yell at her to leave me alone.
After all this I made a decision, that was that she was just a bad person and that the next girl would be better (she was). I did not take the baggage into my next relationship and just judged her on how she was.It was and is the smartest thing I have ever done.
Sorry to ramble, but my point is you need to let this go as all your doing is hurting yourself over and over. There are plenty of great guys out there. How many more good relationships are you going to waste?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): After twenty years of marrage my wife had an affair and it absolutely devastated me as i adored this woman. I only discovered my wifes affair less than a year ago. For the first six months i was in bits over it and actually had a mental breakdown because of it. In the last couple of months i have decided that enough is enough. You see i have come to the conclusion that life is just to dam short to live in the past. Now if i can do this after twenty years of marrage to a woman i once adored so can you. The way i look at it now is the world is made up of all sorts of people some good and some not so good. That said i truly believe the vast majority of people in this great world of ours are sincere and decent people with morals. So i think the chances of you been let down again are pretty slim and from this day onwards do not look back. Remember what i said life is to short so go out and have fun because you deserve it. Do NOT spend one more second of your precious life thinking of that RAT that let you down he is not worth it . BEST OF LUCK
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A
male
reader, LyonHart  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Listen sweetie, what you need to do is find a guy who loves or likes you for who you are and that would do absolutely anything and I mean anything (within the full extent of the law) for you. I mean, if you meet a nice guy who you like, then be patient and give him a bit of time to get a bit more comfortable around you so he can open up and tell you how much he cares for you and what he would do to prevent losing you. OH and if he ever begins a statement with "If you really love me..." then dump his worthless excuse for a backside immediatley, because that just leads to pain and trouble. Good luck with all of your endeavors, hope you end up happy.
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A
male
reader, LyonHart +, writes (30 October 2009):
Listen sweetie, what you need to do is find a guy who loves or likes you for who you are and that would do absolutely anything and I mean anything (within the full extent of the law) for you. I mean, if you meet a nice guy who you like, then be patient and give him a bit of time to get a bit more comfortable around you so he can open up and tell you how much he cares for you and what he would do to prevent losing you. OH and if he ever begins a statement with "If you really love me..." then dump his worthless excuse for a backside immediatley, because that just leads to pain and trouble. Good luck with all of your endeavors, hope you end up happy.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (30 October 2009):
Well I know exactly how you feel as I was in a relationship for almost 20 years and my ex cheated on me. The difference was though that we went to Relate and then individual counsellors and eventually couple counsellors.
During all of that time which was around about 3 months what did come out of it all is that there is normally reasons behind why people cheat. There is normally something not right in a relationship for that to happen in the first place.
OK so you were the victim (so to speak), as I was but I contributed to the relationship as well and whilst there could be loads of people screaming at me saying (he was in the wrong), what I came to realise is that some people are strong and others are weaker and if they are insecure in themselves then they need to have their own self confidence boosted and if they find that by getting attention from someone else of the opposite sex then that is the way they deal with it.
Also if there is a lack of communication in a relationship then two people are not getting to the root of the problem, it normally takes an impartial observer to notice where there are problems and to point these out. However, when you are in a relationship we are often blind to the signs and sometimes if we are the happy one, then we either chose to ignore the signs or are not unaware of them.
If there is a lack of physical attention as well, then some people will find there comfort in another's arms.
I know the reasons why things happened in my relationship and rather than staying bitter and angry about it I have been able to walk away with my head held high.
There are NO guarantees in life, but if we don't ever take a chance with someone we could end up being lonely and bitter forever, you don't want that and yes every one of us is different. If you get to know someone then you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, if they love you enough then it is less likely that they are out to hurt you. If you keep up the communication that is essential in a relationship.
If they start being less affectionate and non communicative then you need to talk it through with them.
We get one chance at life, there is no point in sitting around waiting for MR PERFECT as you will never know who that is unless you actually allow them to get close to you and discover every thing there is to know about them. You don't have to give them the second inquisition but just enjoy their company and allow yourself to have an open mind.
One man is not the whole population and believe me if you are getting a lot of attention from other men, then decide on a decent one, if you are giving off a lot of insecurities when you start to be with someone new then they are going to get scared.
You need to work on your own self confidence and believe in yourself before others can see a confident woman who knows what she wants. Maybe think about some confidence boosting or seeing a life coach or someone along those lines. I think the baggage you are carrying from your old relationship could marr anything new so perhaps consider seeing a reputable and governed counsellor as you can see someone on your own without having your ex with you. In this way it may give you closure and stop you from judging everyone new in the same way as your ex.
It is time to move on and have a happy future.
I am still in the transitional stage myself but a lot of that has to do with dealing with the death of my dad and my mum being seriously ill last year. I just need to get my body in shape for me to start feeling confident again. I will get there though and I now have focus on a possible new career for myself so things are coming together, but I do know what you mean about being in a relationship again. I am just wary for my daughter more than for myself as she is so precious to me so I wouldn't introduce her to someone new until I knew a lot about them.
Keep us posted though on how you get on OK.
Good luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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