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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am finding it very hard to relax in the new relationship I am having. About 3 months ago I split with my long term boyfriend of 3 1/2 years for good as we definitely were not right and it had been this way for some time. I am 25. I met someone new and have been seeing him nearly 2 months - I didn't intend to meet anyone else so quickly but it just happened. He is so lovely and everyone comments on how nice he is but I am so terrified that I will do something to mess it up or that he will go off me. I have realised how badly my ex boyfriend treated me compared to this guy and it makes me regret that I stayed with him for so long!With the new guy we get on so well but I do get paranoid - when he doesn't me back straight away or call me I get myself worked up about it and worry he doesn't want to contact me. How can I relax about it all! x
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female
reader, hidden  +, writes (1 September 2009):
I am in the exact same situation and it even comforts me to know im not alone. I have asked in my question how to relax also. oh my god the stress of getting hurt again. i cant forget the past and its the past eejits that i went out with are now controlling my future and my life in the present. like how stupid does that sound. its a lot easier said than done ( cos i cant do it) but i would love to just love like ive never been hurt. i suppose the other person is right that we cant let pur pasts get the better of us. at the end of the day we got through that. they hurt us and we got through it so its gone, dealt with, never should be seen again. focus on today or even minute by minute and do what makes u happy to feel good in yourself.
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 Oh, Irish, you are a comfort, sweetie - that is so true! Keep on doin what youre doin!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2006): It appears your past relationship has left some emotional wounds deep within you. As a result, you are not allowing yourself the freedom, to be just who you truely are. You've lost your confidence and you are still clinging to a separate, past life that has nothing to do with your new bf. Added to that, I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit for being this wonderful and lovable woman and you may feel you aren't deserving of this new love. As Snowbird stated, 'time' will be your friend, here. And ask yourself, what do you want to be? Happy, content, fulfilled, self-confident. Once you tell yourself, you really, really deserve this, you will start taking on a new, positive attitude to beginning anew with this man who treats you so well. The ability to relax will come from within you. You relationship is still new so it's crucial to allow the best of you to come forward and to put the negativity of the past, behind you. It's not easy but being self-aware will help. Good luck dear and keep being strong.
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A
female
reader, snowbird +, writes (10 October 2006):
Just talk to your man and explain how you are feeling. He will understand, and put your mind at rest if he knows it is important to you.
It is only natural for you to feel this way as you have been 'conditioned' in a way, to respond in tune to your ex, and it takes time (and a lot of patience) to attune to someone else, even if it is a better relationship.
The older we get, the more 'baggage' we tend to carry around, I'm afraid...I'm into a 1 yr relationship myself, after a marriage of 31 yrs, so I reckon I know where you are coming from!
Just give it time, and communicate. If your new man is as lovely as he seems, he will help you. Take care x
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