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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm not a very attractive female. I'm 21 years old and I guess nature wasn't too kind with me when I was created, lol. It's not a weight issue. I have a healthy BMI. I won't get into details. But my face isn't attractive. And it's not like I can get a nose job and I'll be pretty, because, sadly enough, my nose is face's best feature. My eyes are ugly. My jaw is too strong. My cheeckbones too preonounced. My face is wide. I have brown eyes, nothing that stands out. I don't think my face is feminine and delicate. And I have sparse hair to boot.I have small breasts and a lot of cellulite in my thighs. But despite my small breasts, I don't have a great butt to compensate: it's not big, it's kind of flat, and it has cellulite too. I'm a good person and I have a boyfriend. But he's brutally honest. I asked him if he checks out other women, he said he does. I asked him if he thinks other women are sexier, he said he does. He said I was cute but that he doesn't love me for my looks, and he can't help but look if another woman is really hot. I asked him why are they hotter, he said they have bigger breasts and bigger butts. He says he's just a guy and he can't help it. He doesn't make it obvious, at least not when he's with me, which is good. But he says there are hot women everywhere and of course he's going to notice and look, and that I shouldn't be so vain.But this all makes me feel like shit. For one I grew up being told I was ugly, not receiving attention from guys, being bullied and spending lonely Valentine's while my friends were on dates. When this guy and I started dating, I felt like the prettiest woman until all this came to light. I feel like second best. I do as much as I can to look pretty (tweezing my eyebrows, good clothes, make up, working out), but it doesn't help much. In the same way a nice frame won't make a bland painting much better. It helps a bit, but in the end, it's still a bland painting and there are others that stand out without needing a great frame. As a matter of fact, some paintings are so beautiful they are better off with a simple frame, the simpler the better, because they stand out on their own. Some women are so beautiful they don't even need make up and such.There are so many beautiful women around that when I go out with my boyfriend I feel so intimidated and inferior. I know he thinks they're sexier, 'cause he implied that. He even just called me cute. He's never said I'm sexy. He says I have a beautiful personality which is what he loves and what counts.But I'm a woman. He's a man and he has his excuses and reasons as to why he "has to" and "can't help but" look. Well, I can't help but feel like crap if I know he's constantly checking out other women he deems sexier and looking at porn and such. I can't help it. I'm a woman. It's in my nature to want to look attractive and to be considered hot. Funny thing is, I don't even check out other guys. I don't have the urge. I'm more than satisfied with my boyfriend. I'll see another attractive guy, but they are never more attractive to me than my boyfriend. But if I'm with him, my eyes are fixed on him. Yet sometimes I guess he imagines I check out other guy, or assumes I think a celebrity is hot (I don't tell him this stuff, and frankly I don't get hot and bothered over celebrities). And when he imagines or assumes these things, he sulks and gets jealous. Yet I have to understand that he looks and blah, blah. I get so depressed. I'll never be beautiful and even though I am usually happy and we have a good relationship, it's not enough. And everywhere you see, there's the "beauty culture", the pervasive beauty culture. One day I'll be feeling ok, not thinking about my looks until you see a huge billboard with a half naked woman. It's all Photoshop, but tell that to my subconscious! I've tried so hard to be more confident, but it seems futile. I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I am talented, funny, kind, smart, considerate, calm, patient, etc. But it just doesn't seem to be good enough. I feel so hurt when my boyfriend says a celeb is pretty or something because he hardly ever tells me I'm "cute". The other day I even felt hurt because we were watching some anime and he said one of the female characters was beautiful and hot. It's just a cartoon, dammit, but I still felt like crap inside.I don't know how to overcome this. I know guys will be guys and they're sex driven and can't help but look, but knowing and even accepting this doesn't make me feel any better. I know this is basically my issue, since I'm responsible to how othe things make me feel, but what happens when it escapes the rationality and I just can't help it? I really can't help it. Have you ever heard that advice to fake confidence until you make it? Well I've been faking for years and I still don't make it. I don't know why I give so much importance to being attractive, maybe because I've never been attractive to start with. I think I only got my boyfriend because we met online, so he didn't see me straight away and he fell for my personality and 'cause we had a lot in common, and then when he asked me out on a face-to-face date he already had a thing for me. It's so depressing because I didn't choose my looks. There are so many beautiful girls out there and I envy them so much. And it's false what people say, that pretty girls are high maintenance and dull, or conceited, or have bland personalities, because I have beautiful friends and I've met many beautiful girls and they're all smatr, and kind, fun, etc. So they still have the upper hand or something. This is so depressing. How do I stop fixating on looks? Sometimes I wish I was blind. That way I wouldn't be able to see me or the others. It just seems like I can't stop and it's killing me. I cry regularly about this. I know a lot of you won't understand how being ugly can affect a person's confidence or self esteem, and I congratulate you. I wish I was more like that. I want to be like that. Completely numb to looks. How? How can I stop ignoring how I look and how other women look and what my boyfriend thinks of them? When we have sex he always closes his eyes, I'm afraid he might be thinking of other women. How can I stop my insecurities? He's the only guy I've been with. Other people still tell me I'm ugly sometimes, by the way, even complete strangers.Sorry this was so long. Thanks in advance.- Ugly Cygnus
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breasts, bullied, confidence, depressed, his ex, jealous, met online, porn, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KitKite87  +, writes (8 March 2010):
Men are wired to check out all women, and then our culture trains them well to continue it past their instincts. You should be glad your boyfriend cares enough about you and what you think to tell you about everything. Most men simply do not think of sex or attractiveness as something that is emotionally connective, like women do. Sex is just a really fun activity/measure of manliness.way to let off stress, and many men never know what it means to "make love". And anyway, the deeper, more important emotional connection in a relationship comes from personality and shared interests. You can't have a relationship based on physical attractiveness, unless it is only sexual. When people see someone hot they don't immediately care about them. And moreover, have you ever had a crush on a conventionally ugly person, who started becoming physically beautiful to you, just because you were crushing on them so much? I have. By the way, I am one of those naturally beautiful women, where men usually stop and stare even when I am wearing old t-shirts and jeans, and women ask me if I am a model, even when I am not wearing makeup. My boyfriend looks at porn, too. Porn of all sorts of different bodies that often look nothing like mine (he even has a thing for thicker women and I am quite skinny). I don't like that either, but I can tell you physical beauty isn't all it is cracked up to be. Often, you are treated as an object, or as if your beauty is the only thing that matters about you. Guys lie about everything to get into your pants, making it hard to find a good man, or even someone with the same interests. I find it ugly, and the culture that finds physical attractiveness shallow. And even the most beautiful celebrities have hard times with relationships. Being beautiful only helps you attract people when they first meet you, then it all becomes your personality and what you do. And different people find different things to be beautiful! My advice to you is to ask your boyfriend what he finds physically attractive about you. Ask him if he'd rather be with someone hotter or you, he should say no! Maybe tell him a bit of your insecurities, and say, in a sexy way, you want more affirmation that he wants you, that he is attracted to you physically, though you might not be the sexiest woman alive. I don't know if this would work for you but I personally have told my boyfriend that I know he looks at other girls, and I know it is natural for him to do so. I told him that was completely okay with me. But then I said, I also know I am far more important to him than those girls he looks at (or at least I should be). So I asked him that if he is around me, then he can generally focus on me, and keep his comments on other women to himself, though he is welcome to think them. If he wants to act on them, then he should break it off with me. And he heartily agreed to this.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. If there is love, everything is beautiful. It is love that makes a woman beautiful.
Every person is unique and special and you simply cannot compare beauty because beauty is abstract .
I would rather look at a plain Jane who has joy and radiance on her face than a pretty girl with sadness.
You may not be beautiful by the world's standards but the most important thing is you are beautiful to him.It is not just the physical look but your inner beauty of your soul.
There are things you cannot change and you have to accept them . Your b/f is very honest with you and that's the way their minds functions.
You have to accept that he is different physically ,physiologically and mentally .You cannot judge him by your feminine standards.
There is a saying that the handsome will marry the beautiful and the not so handsome will marry the not so beautiful ones.
If you feel you are ugly , then your b/f is probably ugly too or he would not have chosen you .No beautiful girls will want him and they are out of his league.
You should not compare your looks with other girls because this will never end. There will be more beautiful girls than the next. Even Miss World has flaws too.
You need to increase your self esteem , self image and self confidence. Google for those tips online.
You are just too self conscious and too obsessive about the flaws in your body .If you think you are ugly ,then you will be ugly. Would it not be better to think that you are beautiful in your own way?
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 We all have our flaws. Sometimes our imperfections are what make us more perfect than we would be if we didn't have flaws.
Remember on King of the Hill (do you guys get that show in the UK?? It's about people living in the Southern USA). Anyway, Bobby was growing roses and he grew a rose that was flawed in some way but it won first prize at the flower show. One of the characters said that the rose had a quality (can't remember the word) that means its flaws made it more beautiful and perfect. I can't think of that word... but you see my point.
Your boyfriend isn't being very nice to you. He needs to be trained about how to treat a woman cause I sure wouldn't put with his lip if I were the gf.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (6 March 2010):
asked him if he checks out other women, he said he does. I asked him if he thinks other women are sexier, he said he does.
He's being a jerk to you!! Men are visual and no matter what you look like, they're going to check out other women, I get that. It's the way he talks to you that bothers me. It's not "cool" to say that other women are hot in front of your girlfriend. Good grief... whatever happened to all the caballeros (gentelmen???)
By the way...
I have brown eyes (almost black!!!) and high cheekbones. What's wrong with that? I get lots of compliments on these features. Certain ethnic groups have these features... I'm from USA but I have black Irish ancestry and that's probably where these features came from :-) (I think!!)
I also have some defects that make me really unhappy.
Everyone has physical flaws, but you still deserve to be treated respectfully.
I sense that you have an underlying self-esteem problem and it's such a shame. I think that talking to a counselor or a therapist would help.
Speaking of celebrities, I have noticed something... there are a lot of rock stars that really ARE butt ugly but they wound up being married to women that most people would consider really beautiful. I don't think you're ugly... but what I'm saying is that a lot of people apparently value talent rather than appearances :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): It's all about the inside hun, for who you are, thats the real beauty!! I'll be honest when I was with my ex last year, I would still look at other men, but I knew I loved him and my heart was his. Don't worry about it hun, if he loves you for who are then that's fine, but if at the end of the day, you aren't happy, if you aren't happy with him hun, then I think it's best to move on. Or would you rather except it? Be positive!! People don't normally see you the way you see yourself. Stop stressing!! I know life is rough sometimes but be happy, you are beautiful!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Hello,
Don't feel this way about yourself.
It is ONLY you that thinks you are ugly. Over and over again in your post you have mentioned how ugly you are and that is not right. If you walk around with the mentality that you are inferior to other people and that you are ugly...guess what? People will pick up on that and mirror it back to you. If on the other hand they see a confident, vibrant young woman then guess what? They will respeond accordingly.
You may very well not resemble the 'ideal' but very few people actually do. Think of all the pretty girls you see- do they all look the same? I doubt it. Its probably their individual and unique features which make them pretty. You too will have certain features that you can accentuate that will make you attractive. Its not all about boobs and lack of cellulite.
Take me for example, I used to feel ugly as well- I have a skin disorder which meant that I coudlnt wear cute little skirts and tops because my skin was horrendous. I was shy and felt like the ugly duckling. However as I grew up I noticed that I had a killer smile, great hair and a fantastic figure. So I worked with what I had. I made the best of it- wore clothes that complimented my figure, got a really nice hair cut, and made sure I was happy bubbly and smiled a lot to really show off the smile. And guess what...people noticed. It didn't happend over night but slowly, every day I started to tell myself I was sexy and pretty. I started to make an effort every time I went out. It worked.
I really suggest you do exactly the same. Really put effort into how you look...but ALSO how you feel. Tell yourself that you are attractive and gorgeous. Tell yourself that you are hot and over time you will see people respond to that.
Now, as for your boyfriend. He doesnt really sound like a great guy. Despite what ever the truth is he shouldn't have said that he doesn't love you for your looks. However, you say that he is a great guy and for what its worth if he wants a long term relationship with you - he really did go for the right quality which is your personality.
At the end of th day, he is going to look at hot women. I have been with my bf for three years now and I still look at hot guys but it doesnt mean I love my boyfriend any less- its just that I like pretty things ;)
Seriously, just stop feeling low. you are wasting your time not feeling awesome. life is too shot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Well, this is what the Japanese say "Even the most beautiful faces become boring after some time, and ugly faces eventually you don't even notice the ugly anymore." Ok, that was a total blasphemy of the actual expression but you get the meaning.Looks are only skin deep, human connections are based on much more depth than that. No matter what the popular media says, the truth of human life goes far beyond the shallow. What connects us to one another is the real stuff of human life. Fortitude, courage, loyalty, strength, honesty, capability, love etc. That is true beauty.Physical appearance changes all the time. Some people who were ugly when they were younger are very attractive in their fifties and vice versa.Truly spirit is what determines beauty. Inner beauty, if you really have it, will make you physically beautiful with time. Just truly be beautiful on the inside. I promise you, it works. It is the relationship of the body and mind, which is unique and mysterious.Just keep fighting to be a better and more beautiful person, inside and out. FIghting is hard, and you can get discouraged, but if you set your mind to it, you will acheive your goal.But be creative in the way you are able to recognize your own beauty and make it unique. Every human body can be ugly or beautiful. Just open your eyes to really recognize what is truly beautiful about you. Remember, be open minded and creative.In this life, we create ourselves. Do not be a slave to anyone else's mind. You are free.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (6 March 2010):
 Listen to your boyfriend or you will drive him away with your neediness. All guys look at other women - that being said you asking him for constant reassurance about your looks will eventually wear him out. Stop doing that! PS if it's your family that told you were ugly the entire time you were growing up - turn away from them. They are not loving people.
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