A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How Can I learn my value? I am insecure and I have let people walk over me - use me- and leave me - friends and lovers . I have worked on the outside (lost the weight - got the degrees - got a better corporate job) but I still fear saying no- I always seek validation and I don’t think I’m worthy (I don’t trust my inner voice). Does someone have any coping mechanisms ? I work so hard to keep an appearance on the outside but inside I’m falling apart. I always worry if I make people mad - so I over apologize and in cases people have seen this and take advantage of it- I alway am afraid to be alone so I have seen men see this and take advantage of that How Can I be more firm?How Can I be stronger ?How Can I be more secure in myself and standing my own groundI have realized that after getting the tiny body - the hair the lashes the degrees and this and that - it is all irrelevant because people have been so cruel - Please advise - I just want to be strong - I feel I have good intentions and I forgive a lot but I see this has not brought me anywhere in life even with girlfriends
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 Reading through your post, i could "completely relate" and it was as though i was reading about my "former" self.
I was EXACTLY like you, so i really get where you're coming from.
You know, you DON'T need to become a harder, colder or different person, but what you must definitely change is your MINDSET.
I like the term, "learn to RESET your MINDSET".
Firstly, always trust in your own inner voice and look at yourself as a pillar of strength that NOBODY else has the "power" to break nor destroy.
This is really important and when you carry this MINDSET, NO MATTER what anybody says, their words will not be able to destroy you and weigh you down.
You must always be in CONTROL of your own thoughts/words and don't be swayed by others thoughts/words.
For example, if somebody isn't very polite, if they're plain rude and verbally aggressive and if they're being critical, you are able, WITHIN YOURSELF, TO KNOW and REALISE that their behaviour HAS NOTHING to do with YOU.
These principles also apply to those closest to you.
EVERYBODY carries and sometimes displays their own weaknesses, but their outward behaviours have nothing to do with you and are not your responsibility to "fix" or be "concerned" about.
This doesn't mean that we become cold, hard, inflexible or that we simply stop caring about those around us, but what it means is that we DO NOT EVER carry the other person's burdens, we do not take their words literally and we don't take their behaviours PERSONALLY.
Look at the OTHER PERSON, as a being totally "separate and outside of your own body" and what's outside of your own body, you have no "control" over.
Never take anybody else's behaviour PERSONALLY, because they are dealing with their own issues and it's not your problem to help them "resolve/fix their issues".
Truth is, you cannot do that.
The other person must be able to firstly RECOGNISE that they have an issue and they must be able to "make the choice" to HELP THEMSELVES.
When a person displays their own weaknesses and insecurities, that belongs to them and it's for them to sort out.
You can simply walk away if/when it all becomes to overwhelming for you.
Also, you DO NOT ALLOW the behaviour of others to DICTATE how you feel.
Once you get too emotionally involved with others, especially with family, friends, colleagues, it's as though you're expected to help them resolve their issues and to help them sort their problems out.
You cannot and you should not.
Even if somebody tries to reflect their own insecurities onto you, you know within yourself that, this is their problem to contend with, it's got nothing to do with me and how i ought feel about myself and my own self worth.
Sometimes people who are very down, depressed, insecure and even jealous of you, will try to make you feel as though you're partly or wholly to blame, because they don't know how else to cope with and deal with their own shortcomings.
More often than not, they're seeking some sort of "validation" and a "reaction" and as you portray to them as "vulnerable and weak", who better to feed off?
You do not allow them that opportunity and you show them you are in control by way of "setting your boundaries".
They will often try to compete with you, or outsmart you, or do anything that makes them look and feel superior to you, but again, you remain focused on "KNOWING THY SELF".
You know who YOU are and that's ultimately all that matters and should matter.
You are not there to compete, to pick up the pieces, or the breadcrumbs, because you have a strong sense of self and you will ALWAYS STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and say "NO" if/when required to do so, no matter what you face.
Always look at everything as a "challenge" rather than an "obstacle".
By looking at things this way, you are made aware that situations "can" be worked through.
Also, it's always easier for people to blame somebody else, but you do not allow others words and blowouts to "infiltrate" and affect you.
You always place your shield of protection in front of you and you pay no attention to their words, their negativities and criticisms.
This is the big one, because those who are insecure, vulnerable, too soft, etc;, will always be SWAYED by the behaviour of OTHERS rather than by their OWN strong sense of self.
It DOES NOT have to be this way and this is where the state of your MINDSET becomes crucially important.
You should always say to yourself, their behaviour is their behaviour, their words are their words and it has nothing to do with me, how i feel about myself and carry myself.
AND above all else, I WILL NOT be their sounding board and take on THEIR stress or allow them to dictate how I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.
YOU CAN AND YOU WILL "rise above that".
Your mind is the most powerful tool you have, so learn to use it wisely.
I would highly recommend you read the book, "Change Your Thinking", 3rd Edition, by Sarah Edelman.
It's a good book full of advice, tips and self help exercises.
You sound like a really sweet person, so do not change who you are, but just be firmer in your approach to things.
I like the sayings, Be Firmer But Kind and "It's not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it".
Try practicing this art by yourself daily, by way of imagining a scenario or different scenarios, that really makes you feel uncomfortable, then you speak out loud by standing up for yourself and by being more "assertive".
Doing it in front of a mirror is even better, because you can see yourself.
For eg: If somebody says to you, will you do this for me now? (and you're unable), you say, No, i can't do that now, as i'm busy, however, i'll get onto that as soon as i'm able.
If somebody rings you up to ask you for a lift and you can't, you tell them, I'm unable to help you, as i'm really busy right now.
If they then use the tactic, well can you help me later?
You say, no, i can't as i'm busy all day today.
You do not have to say yes and please everybody constantly.
You do not have to keep apologising to everybody and actually, if you do, this reflects poorly on you, because it makes you look submissive, weak and guilty of something that you haven't done.
People do get put off by those who are way too apologetic and it isn't necessary.
If you've genuinely done something wrong, sure, you apologise, however you only say it once or twice at best.
If you go overboard, it can make you appear "guilty", rather than "sincere" and above all else, this actually gives the other person POWER over you and this is what you're aiming to "dissolve".
I'd advise you to read the book mentioned above and to do some googling, regarding books to help improve your self-confidence and your self-esteem.
Remember, learn and practice setting your BOUNDARIES and you must set them with everybody, even with your family and best friends.
You can assist "some of the time", but not "all of the time" and you need to make this clear to everybody you come into contact with.
Initially, because you're not used to doing it, it will feel "awkward and weird", however, as you continue to display more self-confidence and boundary settings, this will become easier for you and will become a normal part of your life and how you represent yourself to those around you.
Always keep your head up, always be proud of who you are and always stand up for yourself and teach others to respect you.
You must first show that you carry self-respect, before anybody else is going to show you respect.
You can teach others the art of "respect", by "respecting" yourself and setting your own rules and boundaries, that others must follow.
With practice and in little time, others will begin to "see" and show you more respect.
The bottom line is, never be afraid to tell others what you really think/feel and so long as you're strong and respectful. others will be more appreciative and respectful toward you.
All the best and do let me know how you get on. :-)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 November 2017):
 You start small. One step at a time.
Saying no is NOT offensive (for the most part) but for some women (and some men) who were raised to "obey" and "be nice" it can be hard to so. So you start small.
Someone asks you for a favor you don't want to do - you tell them sorry, no can do. DO NOT give further explanation. Just say no.
Someone offers you something you don't want. Just say no, thanks. If they try and pressure you to take it - like the:" OH go ahead it's OK" - you say: "I get that but I'm still declining, thanks again."
Accept that you WILL make people mad. YOU will be mad at others. It's "normal" from time to time. And it's OK.
You have made a lot of "cosmetic" changes to yourself but remember YOU are still you no matter how YOU look. Instead of finding fault with yourself, find things you like about yourself. Be it look-wise, personality wise, professional etc. Focus on those for a bit and cultivate them.
It's OK to want to look good. But DO it for you. Because it makes you happy.
And last but not least, attitude. Having the "I'm a victim" attitude is what attracts abusive people. Not saying it's your "fault" - it's not. But the mindset or attitude that people are DOING this to you - it needs to stop. YOU need to work on setting limits. Sure, it's not easy. It's life.
Once you start saying no (and sticking with it) you will get better at it, and better at standing up for yourself.
I know because I USED to be the person who always helped out EVERYONE even if I didn't really want to. This day? I say no when I don't want to and yes when I do. The thing with that is if I say yes, and then figure out, hey I really don't want to, after all, I DO call the person and tell them sorry I've changed my mind I really can't do it.
My husband's side of the family is convinced that since I'm female and work (part-time) from home, I should watch all the kids in the family. To make everyone's life easier (except mine). My oldest niece has wanted me to watch her youngest (barely 3) so she can SLEEP during the day. I mean WTF? She stays up all night on Facebook.
I did say yes a couple of times because she had had surgery. I get that, and I chose help but she left him with me for 10 hours. That is ridiculous. And no she wasn't resting, she went out to lunch with a friend, shopping and how do I know? She posted it on Facebook!
So instead of me being mad, I just tell her no. I was mad at myself because I should have known she would take advantage... but even that... I let it go. It's pointless.
If you like working out, try Krav Maga. It's empowering and fun. It might also give you a boost to feel more powerful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2017): Self-worth is home-grown. The seed is inside you, and all you have to do is nurture it.
From small children it is human-nature to seek approval, praise, and acceptance. You have to like your own looks, accept your own imperfections, and embrace your uniqueness. Don't fish for compliments. They aren't always sincere. No one has ever died from the lack of praise from strangers, or the loss of approval from friends. We don't breath, eat, or drink the approval of others.
You will stand-up when you've had enough of being crapped on. Nature and life will see to that. Everyone has a threshold and a saturation-point. When enough is enough. When that pressure-valve decides it is about to blow!
You're doing your best to get around all your human limitations. So how does it feel to keep trying to do that? Your post is an indication, you've just about had enough of being like that.
We can't tell you how, you have to figure it out through trial and error like all the rest of us. If you want to survive, self-preservation will supply you the tools! You will always be a work in progress, if you're smart.
You must love yourself in order to feel you have value. You, the world, and I need verbal positive-reinforcement to remind us that we're good people; or to be applauded for being good at what we do. We are taught and conditioned to seek acceptance. We also have to balance that by developing resiliency. Bouncing back from failure or rejection.
Maybe you weren't told from a child that we can't always base our self-worth on the opinions of others. Perhaps you were absent when that life-lesson was taught. Life always gives refresher-courses; because you get hit with the same challenges again and again. You learn, or you don't!
Everybody doesn't/can't like you. They don't have to. Everyone doesn't know you. Those who do, shouldn't be considered your daily judge and jury. We all came into this world naked and helpless. We had to learn things, and we have unique talents and abilities. All men and women are created equal as human beings. God made us different, not better than anybody else.
When you constantly aim to please, you will drive yourself crazy. Logic sort of made that necessary to make you use your brain to realize that.
You yourself can't like every dang person you randomly meet.
Nor can you be happy with everyone you know 24/7. Somebody is going to piss you off, disappoint you, or deceive you.
Hello!
If you can't say "no;" then you'll get swallowed-up trying to please the world. Your mind and body was not designed to take just anything that gets thrown at you. Thus you were given reflexes. You have a skin for protection. You were given bones and a spine to stand upright. Not to cower to the ground, or remain in fetal-position all your life.
It's good to forgive (which is not synonymous with passive-submission or surrendering without a fight); but we also have been given a brain to differentiate and to determine when what we say and do is just dumb.
We also know if we stand there dithering while people slam us with brickbats; that it might not stop until we do something about it. That's part of maturity. Sometimes we have to fight for survival. Nature eliminates those creatures who cannot evolve, or use their survival tools. So we are challenged day to day, until we get it right.
Bypassing simple reason, withholding good judgement, ignoring common-sense, and rejecting facts that are staring you right in the face? That is just plain stupid! Fear in the form of caution; is natural, and necessary. It's not supposed to rule our lives! It helps to preserve it! So you have to face your opponent and defend yourself. Or be devoured.
You're as good as anybody else, they know it. Why don't you?
You gain respect and maintain "self-respect" by allowing your values and sense of logic to formulate those actions and thoughts that protect you. You have to like yourself and be grateful to our Creator for just being you. Not what everyone wants you to be.
First of all, it's impossible to be everything to please others. People will rip you into tiny pieces with their demands and expectations. They will never run out of criticisms and opinions. So you have to grow some immunity.
Self-love promotes goodwill, causes a positive-effect on your life, and those around you. Not to be confused with conceit and narcissism, which knows no boundaries!
When you say no. You set boundaries. Boundaries are a necessity for your own well-being.
You're scared, stressed, and miserable; because you can't say no. Either learn how, or stop complaining.
Always saying yes may get immediate approval, but it's short-lived; because you're bribing people with pretentious obedience. Pretending to be nice all the time. You're not nice all the time. Nobody is! No one will ever believe you're 100% agreeable; and some will dislike you for trying to pretend that you are. Even those who genuinely like you will get sick of it. It isn't smart and it's self-destructive.
You have to remind yourself that you are a part of humanity. You have the same feelings and emotions as everyone else. Nobody's perfect. Get the hell out of your head! You spend too much time beating yourself up over your natural imperfections; and you spend too much time trying to create a persona for "other people" to like. Sometimes you have to repeat verbal affirmations to tell yourself you're worthy and lovable. Only narcissism will make you love yourself 24/7. Sometimes we should feel our weaknesses and faults. It's called being human. Some humility is also necessary to balance-out our humanity. Only God is perfect!
Sweetheart, all you have to do is give yourself a break. Say a little prayer of thanks for everything good you have in your life. Notice you're living in the same world as the rest of us. No more can be expected of you or me than humanly possible.
Realize all people go to the bathroom, and everyone can feel shame. If it is killing you trying to make people like you; then common-sense ought to tell you when you stop all that, some sort of change has to come about. People say no to you, and you can still love and forgive them. Isn't it logical that they can do the same?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 This is your true place - until you decide to NOT let it be. When you are tired of being trodden on; when you have taken so much you don't care if you get hurt by kicking back. Then you can start to regain your pride in yourself.
You have to get some grit in your teeth. If you can't stand up for yourself in the face of seemingly impossible odds, then you will remain who and what you are.
No-one can hand you this. You must take it, and you start by learning to say 'NO'.
And why do you say no? Because the situation does not suit YOU. The worm must turn. Be brave. There is nothing else left for you to be.
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