A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a history of dating unavailable, cheating, lying, game playing men. In fact when I look back I've only ever had one healthy relationship that I ended up pushing away with my own actions. This guy is amazing! I am insanely attracted to him, the sex is amazing, he is loving and caring, thoughtful, supportive, romantic and I am never left wondering what he is doing or waiting for him to call etc. I know exactly where I stand with him he wants a serious relationship and makes that very clear and for the firt time in my life I actually feel lucky to have met someone so great. BUT... (I know there shouldn't be a but) I can't shake this feeling that there is something missing. I know this is almost definitely from my own issues around relationships and i'm trying hard to just push these feelings aside. My previous relationships have been an absolute roller coaster! Highs, lows, arguments, tears, passion, longing and deep desire for someone I know isn't emotionally capable of giving me the relationship that I want. I feel that I am so used to the constant fireworks, drama and chasing something that I cannot have that I'm feeling very bored and I don't know how to take it. I can see a future with this guy but when I think about it i worry that I will end up in a boring relationship.Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Would be much appreciated xx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2017): Hey, thought I'd reply since I am going through something similar. Yes, you've correctly identified that you get addicted to the roller coaster feeling, and the intense feelings of longing, so something seems wrong when it isn't there. Count yourself lucky though, because longlasting relationships are boring. They don't have fireworkds. They have routine, coming home to someone who supports you and coming home to someone who will help you with work or will help you take care of your kids. This guy sounds like he is that kind of man. And guess what? Bonus, you DO have amazing physical chemistry on top of all that...so not many people get all that in one package. Don't let it go. No one person can be EVERYTHING you want or need.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (18 November 2017):
I think you should stop seeing this guy because you’re just going to end up hurting him. You’ll either wait until he is deeply committed to you then you’ll dump him or you’ll stay with him and cheat on.
Save him some pain and yourself some time and end this now. Then while you’re unattached before you hook up with the next lying cheat find a therapist and maybe you can get to the root of why you do what you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2017): Judge each man on his own merit. He's not risking his feelings on you based on your past. He's taking you at face-value. You owe him as much.
Look back at your history. You had a "type." You always got the same outcome by being with that kind of man.
What you have learned is that "type" was consistently wrong for you.
You also sabotaged the one good relationship that you can recall.
The key component here, is "you." You must allow yourself to believe you deserve something good, and believe you are capable of making a good choice. Don't mess it up with "self-fulfilling prophecy." Meaning, expecting to find something wrong until you do. That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep your eyes open and stay level-headed. Just don't anticipate failure. Give the guy a chance!
Most of all, give yourself a chance.
Yes, maybe there is something missing. The "tool" factor. He's different. He's not like the others!
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A
female
reader, Beets +, writes (17 November 2017):
 I think what you're missing is the pain. Sometimes, we equate love with pain. This man is open, honest, and every woman's dream. However, since you are used to dating men who cause you pain, it leaves you feeling like something isn't right. Maybe you are actually afraid of how vulnerable you are in a true, honest relationship. When you say you are worried you will end up in a boring relationship, please note that what TV and movies sell us are lies. Relationships mellow. That's what good relationships do. They are not constant excitement, unless you want to make it that way. Invest yourself in this guy. I'd give ANYTHING to find a relationship like this, instead of the pain-filled ones that I've had.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (17 November 2017):
It may well be that you feel the need for drama. It's great that you can see this in the pattern of your relationships. I'm not knocking this man but it is possible to be great on paper but not ignite the fires you need to make things stick. It's true that the maelstrom of hormones wears off after a couple of years but your other half be capable of surprising you and impressing you perhaps forever! All of the good qualities in the world does not necessarily make the best match for you.Take your time work out what is missing. If it's the drama then there are plenty of things you can do to get your heart racing-it doesn't have to be emotional heartache. If it's something else- a connection, real intimacy or a sense that there needs to be something else then you may need to think again. A course of therapy may help you to figure out if its you, or him. I suggest hanging in there though- he might surprise you. The very best of luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 I think you should take a chance with this guy, I mean come on what is the worst that could happen? Six months down the line and you feel bored with him then you can look back and say well you gave it your all you tried but you are not for each other, I know I would rather that than look in six months time and regret not giving him a chance.
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A
female
reader, amykennedy +, writes (17 November 2017):
I've been through the same thing. And I think you answered your own question- there was PASSION and DRAMA in all your other relationships. Women crave drama. They like the idea of "fixing a guy". Problem is, your mind may start looking for problems to cause with your new relationship in order to fill that void and you may end up pushing this great guy away eventually. Unfortunately if the relationship is boring to you now, that's probably not going to change in the future. It's up to you if you want to stick around with the nice guy.
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