A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for 5 months in the time I got to know him he put himself down a lot. He would say things like "nobody really crares about me" He was very clingy and afton asked what he could do to seem more attractive to me. He has admited to thinking about suicide but he said he doesn't have depression. We broke up because of an argument about religion. I still care about him but I was going to end it because the clingy attitude, securety issues and low self-esteem was causing me stress. But then we had our argument and he ended up breaking up with me.I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK but I worry because from what I know about him it seems he has depression. but it was a long distence relationship so its hard to check up on him. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to find out he's in the hospital for trying to kill himself or worse he acctually has! How can I help him. to feel better about himself? How can I get him to listen to me and get some help if io live so far away from him and he probably dosen't wat to speak to me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): As cold-hearted as this may sound, I think you should leave him be. I know you're concerned about him, but realize that he's an adult so he should capable of taking care of himself. If he isn't, it's not your responsibility just because you used to be in a relationship with him. The relationship has ended, and thus so has any obligation.
is that being uncaring? well think of it this way. if you started contacting him, you're violating the widely accepted social rules of how break-ups work. You would be confusing him as to your true intentions about him and the relationship. This could really do a number on his emotions given how he's already prone to depression and low confidence. You could be doing more harm than good. Furthermore, since the break up was very recent, the pain is still there. So all the more, hearing from you so soon could prevent him from moving on with his life. You can't go from being ex-partners to chummy friends (for whom helping each other isn't crossing boundaries) overnight. That would take a long time to transform your relationship from ex-partners to neutral friends, and for some people it never happens at all.
If you really can't sleep at night without knowing you've at least tried to help him, then I suggest you send him one (just one) email and tell him very frankly that you think he has depression and that he needs to get counseling, maybe include a few links to articles you think might help him, and then say that this is going to be your last communication with him and if he were to email you back you're not going to respond because the relationship has already ended. Do not start a conversation with him, just say what you have to say and inform him that's all that you have to say. Do not say you are going to "check up" on him in the future.
But realize, too, that an email like this can come off as condescending to the other person. But since you're broken up and should be cutting off contact, that's OK - there's no relationship anymore anyway.
A
female
reader, Deagan  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 It's sweet that you want to check up on him, but you probably shouldn't. You've clearly stated that you don't want to get back together with him. Initiating contact and checking on him gives him the impression you're still interested in him- essentially what you will be doing is leading him on.
No need to open up another can of worms.
If you REALLY want to know, is there a friend you can check through? Does it show that he's online on facebook?
But I really do stress that you stay out of it. Say you do happen to find out he's in the hospital? What are you going to do about it? Run to him to be by his side?
He has to learn how to take care of himself, and hopefully, he should already have his family and close friends as a support system. I'm not sure the ex (you) should have to get involved.
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