A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, so i'm redating my ex. i'm 30 he is 36. It's all going really well, and i'm happy with how things are. There is just one problem- money- again.We were in low pay jobs before and didnt have enough cash to live from. we borrowed from family and friends (mainly mine!) to make it through the month, and neither of us earned much money, we ran up debts on loans and overdrafts too. We used to split everything 50/50 but i was put on reduced hours at work and he was still insisting on paying 50/50, which angered the hell out of me. He suggested that it was time i stood on my own two feet (my ex before him paid all the bills for us and earned a good wage), but i was furious- as a couple we are supposed to pool our resources, right? The fact that he left me to my own devices to find money to pay our bills angered the hell out of me and separated us further. When finally the bottom fell out of it, we continued to row about unpaid bills in both our names, dragging each other's folks into it, it was pretty bad. We now don't live together, and we are okay for money. There have been no arguments thus far- until now. The situation now is that my guy is earning a good wage, and i'm in college. I'm not after his money and i work two jobs as well as training for a career, but its tight. As we've re-dated we've split 50/50 in bars or whatever and its not been an issue. Except now, hes started talking about us going on vacation. I suggested something like camping, and he suggested something overseas. i kept reinforcing that WE cant afford it, and I didnt want it to be EXPENSIVE, as i'm not going to have much MONEY. he told me, he was going to be sensible and not go overboard hed sort it out. i said what if we cant afford it, he said hed find something sensible, then suggested that i save up for spending money. He said he wanted to go on holiday with me so much he didnt care where we go to as it was really important that he was with me. By the end of the conversation, i believed that this guy was implying he was paying for me to go on vacation because he wanted me there so much. But then, i was worried in case i'd got it wrong, and i agreed, then he lands me with the check and i say i cant pay!To be honest i just wanted to say to him "if we go on vacation, you have to pay, else i can't go" Theres NO WAY in hell i can afford a vacation right now, and i hope ive made this clear to him. I know he can, and i believe SHOULD pay, if he made the suggestion and is insistent despite protestations from me that i cant afford it. I really don't feel i can say this to him though, i dont want him to think i'm after him for money or i'm trying to get something out of him, but i DO believe that it would be courtesy for him to at least contribute to the cost, considering his financial situation versus mine. But i don't want an argument about it again and i was raised to be quite embarrassed about talking about money- if i loan somebody money and they don't pay me back, i wont dare ask, my guy will ask right away and make sure he gets it back, thats the difference! and i'm also annoyed if hes suggesting it despite my financial situation. What should i do? xx
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at work, debt, money, my ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Spell out your terms and stand firm on it.
Don't do what you will regret later.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Hi there,
wow, money really is at the root of all your problems.
But communication is the key. You guys simply do not read from the same page, it's almost as though there is competition between you and that is not healthy
I agree with you, if you are at college he should know that a holiday is something beyond your means. But if he insists on a big holiday then yes you are entitled to assume that he wants your company and he will pay for it. Otherwise why ask? It just seems mean and cruel.
At the end of the day you guys are just getting back together and the same problems are coming out. I would write him a letter and state everything concisely in it so he can read it and take it all in ( much more effective than a verbal slanging match )and respond.
Ask him questions like this: If you know that I am at college and stretched for money why did you suggest an expensive holiday?
good luck.
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