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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm confused...My BF had broken up with me, not the first time, really... I just don't get it! I love him very very very veeeery much! And I wish we could sort this out, I don't know what to do/think/feel...He broke up with me because he gets very upset about my past (I've written about this several times). Not only about the sexual (the only sexual thing I did before being with him was giving an EX mutual friend a bj before meeting my bf). But he gets upset that I was flirty with guys I barely knew, that I texted them or just well was kinda flirty... that makes him really mad, and that he can't trust me. It's almost as if he feels that what I did 2 or 3 years ago is still part of the present, whereas I've moved on and put my past behind me way back... but now, with him resurfacing it, I can't put it in the past anymore... Anyway...Yesterday I was so hurt and went over to his place to pick up a couple of things he had. I went, he gave them to me, said goodbye, and left. I had to walk to get to the bus stop, and he followed me. He promised me he wanted to change, I told him I didn't want to get back together to the same thing. He said he thinks I'm the love of his life and that he has to change and overcome his issues for me, etc. I told him he had broken up with me so he must've had a good reason. He said it was a mistake because he loves me so much. Of course I wanted him back so we got back together...The thing is, later we were cuddling in his sofa, and he went "Are you sure theres NOTHING ELSE you have to tell me? NOTHING???" So I thought, and of course there are minor, MINOR details that I just don't wanna share, because honestly, he gets upset even over things like if two years ago I ran into an ex crush (not even ex b/f... never had an ex b/f!) and made small talk, or if some guy I barely knew and I had something in common... so why share things that are unimportant just to fight? However, I let him look through my cell phone, and there was nothing from my past, but he started asking me if I had ever texted that ex crush... I told him I must've done it once or twice, just to say hi, but I honestly don't remember. He didn't believe me, he thinks I texted him things like "I miss u" but I never did that! The thing is, he continues picking up little arguments over my past. How am I supposed to move on from it if he keeps reminding me? I understand people get jealous of their partner's past sometimes, but I don't know what to believe... he says he loves me and wants it to be forever, but keeps getting mad and when he gets mad, he says if he would've known what I did in my past before dating me, he would've never even considered asking me out!Yet, when he isn't reminded of my past, he's the loveliest guy ever,Help I'm confused, I want this to work out! Who said guys were less complicated than girls? Ugh...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Some of those other answerers are telling you exactly what makes logical & fair & mature sense, but logical & fair & mature has nothing to do with what is going on with him right now.
What is going on with him is a bunch of totally normal feelings, espeically for guys being worked up about a girl's past. You should realizse that he isn't willingly choosing to feel any of this. And I'm sure it hurts him all the time or he wouldn't be picking fights over it.
He is just not handling his feelings in a decent & respectful way. That's what needs to change. He has a right to his feelings but he doesn't have the right to be verbally abusive to you because of them.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 When he is mad, treat what comes out of his mouth as rubbish and do not take to heart or react.
Like you said , don't expect a mad man to speak coherent and rational speech.
Don't be too sensitive.He's got verbal diarrhoea .
Let him empty it out of his system and he will be O.K after that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): He's just insecure. His mom & dad probably fought like rabid dogs. Insecure people blow little stuff out of proportion & they always blame their problems on the other person. You should get away from him. When he's lost you he's gonna say you're the "love of his life" or something to that effect. But his insecurity causes him to get mad too easily & which is bad because he can't control himself when he's angry. He isn't fit to date anyone at this point & won't be for along time.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 It's hard when a guy is possessive and immature. Based on my own experience, nothing, but nothing, is going to dislodge this obsession from his brain. He is determined to feel suspicious and aggrieved, and whether you are upfront with him or hide things from him, whether you submit meekly, stand up and demand he changes his mindset, or tell him that you love him and only him, and all the rest means nothing, he will come back again (perhaps not straight away but after a while) with the same old grievances.
If you break up with him and get back together again, he'll get even more insanely jealous over any and every experience you had while you were away from him.
I suspect the reason is insecurity. Or simply a childish desire to throw tantrums over real or imagined grievances. Whatever it is, he's got to wake up to himself. I don't think breaking up with him at this stage is really an option, but if his behaviour doesn't improve, you could end up with years of unhappiness.
One thing that intrigues me is how one-sided this is. Has he never had even the slightest experience with other girls? Has he never looked at other girls with interest or lust? Has he never held other girls' hands? Perhaps you could turn the tables on him. Insist on knowing every detail of his past. Watch his behaviour around other women. He will no doubt get abusive if you do, and the accusations might fly, but jealousy is said to be the best aphrodisiac -- in moderation!
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