A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:how can i help my friend deal with the death of her mother? she is forty something. single, has custody of her brothers child and she is a nurse. she lived with her mum but aside from being mum and daughter they were best friends too and went everywhere together. her mums death after a battle with cancer has left a terrible hole in her family's life. i really want to help my friend but i don't know what else i can do. i am always here for her to talk to but it has been months now and the grief is not getting any better, in fact it may even be getting worse. she is tearful most days and finds it hard to cook and keep the house as clean as she used to. i have suggested bereavement counselling. she does not seem to be interested in seeking help though. any help or ideas are welcome!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the answers. she was offered counselling from the hospice where her mum died, but she has declined this. she is quite a private person, maybe in the future she might feel strong enough to talk to a counsellor without breaking down crying, i think this is what she is afraid of. it worries me though that she told me the other day that she had been in tears around the house and had said to herself 'i want to be with my mum' - when she told me this i *think* i sensed that she realised how wrong it was to feel like this.
i always invite her out with me and my friends, she never wants to come, but i told her i would never give up and maybe maybe one day she will surprise me and say yes!
i would like her to make friends with another friend of mine who has lost both her parents to cancer years ago, she also is a nurse (only in training) and a really nice person so they would have stuff in common and hopefully it would be good for her to be able to talk to someone who has been through the same.
on top of this grief though is that she now has financial worries and childcare problems while she is back at work. her mum was essential for these items too, as they lived together. she does not want to try to get a loving relationship with a man because of a few disappointments in the past she is done with men. her brother is clinically depressed and her sister is supportive to her but lives abroad. her dad is also very ill in a care home with Alzheimer's. He does not even seem to recognise her now when she visits.
so, yes, i understand that grief can be a slow process, but time will not really dispel the other problems. very unfortunate all of it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): How lucky your friend is to have such a caring person on her side!
I volunteer as a bereavement counsellor, so I have a little bit of experience in this area (tho I am not a trained psychologist or anything like that). One thing I would say is that grief is different for everyone, and that it does take a very, very long time to get over a big loss, like that which your friend has experienced. You are doing the absolute best thing you can - which is to give her plenty of time to grieve and talk about her loss. This is absolutely invaluable, and while it might not feel like she's making progress, simply offering her that opportunity will help her immensely. It's important that she doesn't feel pressured to 'seem happy' or 'pull herself together', but simply gets a chance to express herself.
That said, it sounds like her grief is all-absorbing, to the point that she may need some medical help. I would sit her down and approach the subject with her in the gentlest possible way. Make it clear that you don't think she's abnormal or 'wrong' to be grieving in this way, but that you are worried about her wellbeing and that you think she might benefit from some extra help. In particular, see if she will go and see her GP and get help for depression. A lot of people find that a mild dose of anti-depressants helps them to cope. These drugs do not take the pain away, but they do enhance people's capacity to deal with the day to day while they work through the grief.
Also, she might be helped by a local group. A lot of hospices or council bereavement services run drop in centres, where people can go and talk with others who have been through the same thing. Often these sessions don't centre on therapy, but on social contact over a cup of tea - something that people who don't find it easy to talk can find helpful as it assists them in creating new relationships and starting to rebuild their lives.
I also agree with you that bereavement counselling, over the phone or in person, might also help. Again, many local hospices and hospitals offer this (it's what I do!!) However, if she finds it hard to talk, this might be a step to take after trying the other courses outlined above.
She's lucky to have a friend like you - just keep being patient with her, as it's incredibly hard to deal with grief. Essentially she's not just missing her mum, but her whole pattern of life - and that can be very difficult to adjust to. Good luck.
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