A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I could really use some help. To cut an extremely long story short, its come to my attention that my mother, who cares for my grandfather is no longer "able" to care for either him or herself. Its been this way for a years, but has gotten worse within the last year. Although due to my own financial and personal/ family life, we have not been able to move to help and take care of things. Now, I know we cant put this off any longer. My mother is a hoarder and lives in filth, and has been since I was 13. It was so bad that I could have been taken away by CPS if anyone found out. Its become the same way for my grandpa with adult protective services. I have tried to help and get her help since I was a teen, to no avail. My husband and I have planned that he will transfer and I will job hunt and we will make her house liveable and move in (she offered) as we cannot afford a place out there to rent; its quite expensive compared to where we are now. I should add, she has a large house and a 10 acre property which we would split mortgage, electric, propane, ect. Anyways, my question is, how do I get her help? She blames all of her hoarding and financial problems on me, and her hoarding and medical problems on the divorce and death of her mother, which was 10 years ago. She needs proffessional help and wont go, I have gone. She blames me financially because when I was 17, I told her I loved the house she was looking at buying, the house she lives in now. She says she bought it for me. I ALWAYS feel so guilty, then come to find out she has blown 10k on a new fridge, that she didnt need yes JUST the fridge, 10k in other kitchen appliances, she didnt need...her others were new; has spent over 10k that I know of on flooring because she never cleans her floors and the floors rot and mold from cat pee/ dog pee and feces and now her new fridge microwave oven/stove are destroyed- not completely, but she ruins EVERYTHING - she NEVER cleans. Shes lived in her house less than 6 years. Whats worse is she doesnt do anything about it. She pulls the woe is me card, tells me this is my fault and that shes broke, ect. When I was pregnant, after I was put on maternity leave, I went over for a week and got the bottom floor looking very nice, the smell was nearly gone, my hubby came down on his days off n helped too, and when we came bk two and a half weeks later it was worse than before we cleaned. Its exasperating. She wont get help or hire a maid, she doesnt take care of herself and doesnt see that living like this killing her. She is honestly lazy, shes got high bp, is 250lbs at 5ft2in, and pre diabetic, if not diabetic. She has friends yet cancels at the last second when they ask to go out, so shes home eating, watching tv caring for my grandpa. Ive tried so hard to help, and moving in is my only option, so they dont place my grandpa in a home. I used to work as a CNA and would rather care for him myself. How can I get my mom help that she (and I) so desperatly need? I love my mom, but cant live with her treating me like Im the one to blame.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): "Ive tried so hard to help, and moving in is my only option, so they dont place my grandpa in a home. . . How can I get my mom help that she (and I) so desperatly need? I love my mom, but cant live with her treating me like Im the one to blame."
Your mother projecting blame for her flaws and shortcomings is a common defense mechanism.
Your mother is mentally ill and incapable of caring for herself so she can't possibly take care of your grandfather.
Your grandfather is living in unsafe and potentially dangerous conditions. Google "Elder Abuse Hotline" and call the number for your state. Your grandfather is now as defenseless as you were in childhood, and you are just as powerless to help him as you were to help yourself as a child. Your mother's problems are beyond your capacity to solve, and since she is putting your grandfather at risk as well as yourself you have no choice. You must get your grandfather into a safe environment whether it be outside supervision within your mother's home or removal if necessary for HIS well-being.
Your mother does not have the capacity to make rational decisions for herself or your grandfather. You are now an adult, you must step in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Im the poster, and I should add that she does hoard junk as in trash as well as papers broken items, boxes full of miscellaneous things and brand new mailed in items that she never even opens the boxes they are mailed in much less the wrappings. Brand new things she doesnt even look at. Her garage is full and she has boxes up stairs and in the dining room taking up various portions of space.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 I've watched a few episodes of Hoarders. There is a difference between people obsessively collecting things, finding it painful to let go of things; and people who are just too lazy to clean because they lost their drive to life. Hoarding can be a mental illness. She should never be left alone living by herself. She needs assisted living. The only way you could make the house livable is to hire a maid, but I don't know if the cost, the hours put into it would be the same as renting your own place. On TV they always show a good ending but in reality no one ever knows if hoarders ever recover without constant supervision.
It's a very hard situation. No one would ever understand what you go through unless you are a close relative of a hoarder.
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