A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months who I am completely in love with. Everything was going great until about a week ago. He found out that I had slept with a guy in his group of friends around 7 years ago. He had always told me he has problems dealing with the past and especially when he meets a girl that has been with someone he knew. I should have said something then but I just couldn't because I knew he would end things with me. Well, I guess my name came up in conversation recently and one of his friends told him about what I did 7 years ago. He was furious. We have been fighting non stop for about a week about this. It seems like everything I say makes it worse. He keeps telling me I'm not trying to make it better. He says he can't get the images of me and his friend out of his head and doesn't know if he can get over it. My question is: how can I help him get over this? He means a lot to me, I care about him so much, and losing him because of something stupid I did a long time ago would kill me. I am heartbroken. Please help :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Can you honestly say you would not have minded if your BF kept it a secret that he had once dated one of your friends? Come on. You owed your BF the truth about this from the beginning even if it broke you up. You can't both lie about your past AND expect your boyfriend to accept it when the truth comes out.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 February 2012):
 There are a few factors to consider:
1. How long has it been since he found out the truth from his friend? Is it just a week? If it's just a week, he just needs more time to get over it. A few months at the very least. You don't get over things like that in a week, or in one month.
2. You say that this man is part of his group of friends, but what does that mean? re they close, or is it more of an acquaintance? If it's just an acquaintance it matters less because you're not close to the person nor do you see them often. If they're close, it's a problem. I'm not going to lie, I would have serious issues if my best girlfriend slept with the man I'm dating in the past. It's uncomfortable and not normal to be in such a circumstance. If they're close, this may be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): honestly I think what he needs is to see a therapist to help him get over stuff like this. that is, if he even wants to get over it. It's not clear to me that he actually wants to try to get over it he just wants to rant and rave and shake his fist at the heavens.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 February 2012):
When you say you slept with one of his friends do you mean you dated or was it a one night stand? Guys can make pretty mean jokes about girls they have had sex with. You are right you should have told him up front then he would have accepted it and still fallen in love with you. Was your bf not in the circle of friends then? If so has he not had sex with anyone you know? Arguing about it doesn't help. The fact you didn't say anything makes it a lot worse and your saying what you did was stupid looks like you think it was wrong and that will make it worse as well. At this point it is probably best to stop discussing what, how and why you did stuff. It is the past, remind him of that, its not a big deal unless you help make it one. I must admit I would be uncomfortable maintaining freindship with someone who had "screwed" my wife (as a guy would put it!) but if it had been part of a meaningful relationship it would be different. Does your bf not have a past? If he's done the same kind of stuff with other women then he is being a hypercrit and should grow up. If he was a virgin on the other hand then you have a problem he won't get over for a while and he will probably need to decide between keeping friends with other guy or you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Unfortunately you cant only he can do this maybe he needs to see someone to help him deal with this issue as everybody has a past even him and if he would rather lose you than get help then he was not the man for you
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (26 February 2012):
You just have to tell him that guy means nothing to me. I cant change the past. He doesnt mean anything to me because if he did I would be with him. But he doesnt and I am with you! For guys it is hard to get that out of your head esp when you care about someone. I know he really does care about you because he just cant handle the picture of you with someone else.. same thing happened to me. I was always mad too but I got over it once i realized it was the past and you cant change it. And that whatever happened in the past meant nothing to her. and shouldnt mean anything to him. Hopefully he gets byee this. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 February 2012):
 If he's sufficiently immature and vindictive that he will allow this ancient history to taint/impact what goes on between the two of you, then he may well not be much "boyfriend" material, after all..... Think long and hard about it.....
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