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female
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anonymous
writes: My bf believes in keeping his problems to himself, but I know he's really unhappy because he keeps drinking and smoking more heavily and he's acting different. How can I help him? He has no job and he's annoyed because I've started college so our relationship is having to adjust. I know him well enough to know that if things get too hard for him he'll cut himself off from everyone who loves him, which means he'll break up with me instead of letting me support him like I want to, and he needs to let me because I refuse to let him do that to me again. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (22 September 2006):
 I've had this problem with my boyfriend more than once, things get tough for him and he has his problems which he doesn't share with me because he only knows how to deal with his stuff on his own and when things get too much he finishes with me although the whole time I know he loves me and doesn't do this to spite me or hurt me just he doesn't know how to deal with these things any other way, I just always make him aware that I'm here if he needs me anyways ready to listen or just be a shoulder for him to lean on, I give him the time and space he feels he needs and as the time goes on he is slowly starting to tell me his problems and allowing me to help as much as I can and doesn't finish the relationship or push me away when things get tough anymore, if you love him and want to be with him you need to accept this is his way of dealing with stuff and will eventually come to you when it feels right for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2006): You can't. What you describe are personality traits and behaviours that your boyfriend has.
You, as his girlfriend, can not really change this.
All you can do is show your love, and dedication. If he is ready, he will change himself. I don't mean overtime, but relatively straight away.
All too often, we see problems and faults in our partners, and because we care about them, we want them to change. We want them to be more like how we want them to be. But, in practice, this never works.
If your boyfriend keeps his problems to himself, then that is just the way he is. Perhaps he will change, over time, but it is doubtful it will happen whilst he is in a relationship.
Self-growth, and the correction of problems comes when you are single, and can properly examine yourself. You can take the time out needed, for self-reflection; to examine what exactly went wrong in previous relationships and how to act differently in the future.
If this guy does not meet up to your "requirements" then the best option is to move on; not to try and change him.
Trying to change people ends in heartache. He will feel like he is not good enough for you, and you will feel like he does not love you enough.
Remember how the situation is now, try your best, but in a months time - ask yourself if anything is actually any different. If not - I think you know what you must do next.
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male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (20 September 2006):
 I don't know if you can help your boyfriend or not. I do know that he needs to get his life turned around. Smoking and drinking all day. No job. Not exactly what most people would consider "a catch".
If he's not working, where does he get his money for smokes and booze? You? If you're helping support his habits, you're not doing him any favors. He's in a downward spiral and it won't stop until he wants to stop or he hits bottom. Hopefully, you don't get caught up in the wake.
You need to take care of yourself. . . and he needs to take care of himself. If he's not willing to change, you need to move on.
Good luck!
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