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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am a formerly gay male who was married to a woman 4 years ago. I was tired of living in a rathole apartment and tired of living alone so I thought marriage would be the best thing. Also, I lived in a very homophobic part of the bible-belt, being gay I knew I could never be accepted at church, work, etc. When we started dating, she was very sweet and I told here the truth about myself. She cried a lot but said she was happy just being friends. We later moved in together and started having sex. Then things happened so fast and we ended up getting married. For the entired duration of our marriage, she has wanted to rule the show. She tells me how to dress, what language I can and can't use, who I can associate with, etc. She reads my e-mails. I moved across the country to make this woman happy but it's not enough. What can I do to help her to trust me and to get over her controlling ways? I really like having someone to come home to and I don't want my marriage to end, but I'm tired of having no autonomy. Please help.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (25 September 2006):
 Yes you are in a marriage therefore you have to respect the other person and the things that matter to them but at the same time they can't be controlling you and everything you do.
You need to start standing your ground but at the same time still respecting that some of the things that your wife is inforcing she is doing so because they matter to her.
Good luck :o)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2006): Please tell me you still find something special about this woman which makes you want to save this marriage, because it sounds like she's not doing much to earn your devotion. My gut reaction was to leave this invasive, controlling shrew. If you're clinging to this marriage for its own sake, that is NOT enough to justify sticking with it.
If, on the other hand, you still want to stay with her for some reason, consider asserting yourself. Change the passwords on your email accounts. Use the language you want, and dress how you like. Don't turn them into confrontations or do them out of spite, but be firm. There is no discussion necessary. You are a grown man and can make those decisions for yourself. She may thrash and resist this strongly at first, but as time goes on she'll probably respect your autonomy more and you can start treating each other like equals, which bodes well for the long term.
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