A
female
age
41-50,
*isshimsomuch
writes:This is a long story so I apologize in advance…My heart is broken and I cannot stop crying. My boyfriend of four years, broke up with me out of the blue on Sunday. Things were going good between us and then all of sudden he was upset with me and we broke up. The reason he got mad at me is because my ex-boyfriend from five or so years ago sent me an email and my boyfriend was sitting next to me when it came across my blackberry. I checked it in front of him because I have nothing to hide.It’s kind of a long story, but my ex-boyfriend Brian (although he is married now) has always been a concern for my current boyfriend. My ex insists that we remain friends and he would call and text from time to time. It’s always a harmless “hello how are you doing” or an invitation to have dinner or something. I have not met up with my ex Brian since I’ve been with my current boyfriend Jay but I am guilty of responding to his innocent texts and phone calls. When my boyfriend first found out about the communication with my ex, he was livid. We nearly broke up. But I swore to him that there was nothing for him to worry about. I even called my ex and asked him to stop communicating with me because it was making Jay, my boyfriend uncomfortable. I even took the step to change my phone number so that he could not call or text. However, changing my phone number did not solve the problem because he could still email me.So I was surprised that my boyfriend Jay got so upset over the email on Sunday. He knows that I do not see my ex Brian because I am always with him or either at work or home. We both work long hours for the same company (different buildings and departments) and we both travel sometimes for work. Work travel is really the only time I am away from Jay and that happens about once every other month or so and only for a few days. Sometimes he will go out after work for drinks but we always end our day together.On Saturday just before the break up I was teasing Jay about buying me a ring. I hinted at my ring size etc. He had an uncomfortable look on his face so I stopped.Anyway, Here’s the beginning of the story. Jay and I met at work three and a half years ago. He approached me at work during his first week orientation. I had been working at the company for a while so I guess I was a good resource for him. We ended up talking and having lunch. After lunch when I got back to my desk I had an email from him asking when we would be able to meet again, maybe over dinner. I responded and we ended up meeting for dinner the next week. I had a great time and I was instantly in love with him. We dated for a few months and then he moved in with me temporarily (b/c his lease was ending in his apt). When we were living together, things were great at first. It was so nice to come home to a good man. Then after a few months he started acting distant towards me and kept saying that he was moving out. He started staying out all night and then I found out he was seeing someone else. I was devastated but it was enough for me to agree to end the relationship. He told the reason he was so distant and the reason he went out with someone else is because he felt trapped. He was not serious about the other girl. We broke up for a few months with no communication. I was devastated. I would think of him all the time. I tried dating other people but I still could not get Jay off of my mind. Well one day we found ourselves in a corporate training class together. Neither of us knew that the other was in the class. It was the first time we had seen each other or spoken since our break up. We had lunch together and it was very awkward at first. He told me he loved me and he missed me like crazy and was sorry about all of the pain that he put me through. He also said that he understood if I hated him he just hoped that I would forgive him. After that we started communicating again and were back together shortly after that.This time we both have our own apartments. However, we ended up spending every night together. Things were good for about year and a half or so. We traveled together and visited so many places (Chicago, NY, LA, San Diego, Charlotte, Washington DC etc). I think we took some sort of trip about once every couple of month. We always have stuff to talk about because we work at the same company in similar jobs. He spent time with me watching girlie TV shows and I watched sports with him. He even taught me how to play his video games. Things were so much better this time around. I admit that from time to time my trust issues lingered and it caused me to be clingy at times. I have told him on occasion that I just need to feel secure in this relationship. I can’t bear to go through the hurt again.So when my ex Brian started communicating with me and I realized that Jay was uncomfortable, I did everything I could to stop that. Jay told me that he realized that I have no control over whether or not Brian emails me, but he said that it was just a trigger for him and made him realize certain things. He would not give me any details. He even admitted that he is not really upset by the email because he knows how much I love him. I should mention that before he broke up with me this time he was going through stress at work, he kept telling me a couple of weeks before that he wants to quit. He even told his boss he wants to quit. He was recently passed over for a promotion that he deserved and it really bummed him out. He works long and hard hours and he really puts 120% effort into his work. Before we broke up I asked him if he wanted to “take a break” from the relationship instead of breaking up. He said that he doesn’t know what he wants so we shouldn’t have a contingent breakup. I also asked if he wanted to date other people. He said no (I actually believe him). He said that he loves me but I probably love him just a little bit more. That was hurtful to hear but it made me realize that there’s nothing I can do. He let me cry in his arms and his eyes were moist too. He said that he’s going to call me this weekend and maybe we can hangout. I am nervous and scared. I am going to be hurt even more if he actually does not call me. And if he does call, I’m going to be confused about our status.Right now I feel like crap. I have not been into my office for three days because I look horrible and feel bad. I’m afraid I’ll start crying at work or something. I don’t know what to do to get over the pain this time. We have more good memories than bad and that’s what makes this all so hard for me. I didn’t see any signs of him wanting to leave. But I guess what he’s telling me is that he’s confused about what he actually wants in life. I have been crying for days, I have not eaten. Little things remind me of him. Our favorite TV show just came on (season finale) and I could not sit through it. I cried because I could imagine the comments he would make if he were here. I have been sleeping on the couch because I can’t bear to be in the bed alone. I love him with all of my heart! How do I stop crying and start eating again?***Please respond with gentle replies. I am very fragile right now.
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a break, at work, broke up, moved in, my ex, teasing, text, trapped, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, misshimsomuch +, writes (28 May 2010):
misshimsomuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice and concern. Today was a little better for me. An old college friend came into town yesterday and wanted to get together with me and Jay. I broke the news to him and he was very supportive. He got me out of the house, made me eat a little and let me vent. He recently broke up with his girlfriend b/c of his committment issues so he was able to help me understand what may be going on in Jay's head.
At any rate, I went to work today, ate a little bit more and I even scheduled a hair appointment for tomorrow. I still miss my Jay and I hope he comes around. Still sad but a little more functional.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 May 2010):
 So while you were living together he started dating someone else which led to a break-up. Yet now he gets jealous (perhaps has a guilty conscience) when you received an email from your ex, after having taken steps to cut all other communication with your ex (the right thing to do, seeing as how he's married,
Back to your current situation. You have been together four years. Admittedly he's under stress at work, and this can sometimes lead to a person becoming somewhat withdrawn, but in his case he says he doesn't really know what he wants, and that you are more invested in the relationship than he is.
I know you are feeling devastated, but really, is it worth it to continue on this roller coaster?
You need to begin to pay attention to doing the things you enjoy (even if they included him at one point). Maybe take part in some activities that he has not done with you. Turn to other thoughts and activities in spite of wanting to dwell on him. Not easy, but persistence is what's needed......also, you have to start eating again and sleeping! It goes without saying you must start going back to work and really concentrating on your job. You don't want to have problems there! Although at present I expect you are entitled to take a few days sick leave.....
If you really feel you can't cope, go see your doctor and ask if he can refer you to a pyschotherapist for a few sessions where you can talk it out, and vent. Perhaps, on a temporary basis, an anti-anxiety prescription pill might help.
- I do urge you to let your boyfriend go and sort out what he really wants. It is possible that after four years things have simply run their course....
Hugs and good thoughts to you in what you are enduring.
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A
female
reader, louisevandeburg  +, writes (27 May 2010):
Hey there :) We've probably all been there and we know it's not easy. Don't feel to bad about it. Everyone feels like crap for a while.The first thing to realise, though everyone says it, is that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You sound like a caring person and you evidently didn't mean to aggravate Jay.You can stop reading now, because it may seem a tad harsh, but I don't think that Jay was a good match for you. If he didn't trust you to just talk with your ex then... there's not much you can do.Look, give yourself a little time to heal. Surround yourself with things you love - movies, books, music. Friends are great at times like these. Though it may seem a bit hard, go out! Live your life again! Eventually, when you feel ready do things that you two used to do together. If you had a favourite park, go there again. Try not to think about Jay while you're there though. Just try to block him out and make new memories with places and things.I'm not too good at advice, I'm sorry. I hope it all works out! I believe that there is someone out there for everyone and you will meet him someday! Though harsh, this site helps http://www.2knowmyself.com/relationships_breakups/Falling_in_Love_with_Someone_You_Cant_Have/How_To_Get_Over_Someone
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