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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am now in my 2nd marriage. And I go through my husband’s communications all the time and he doesn’t know… But let me tell you the whole story… My 1st marriage was a terrible one. Mentally and physically abusive. Lasted 5years before I eventually dragged myself out of there and got a divorce. I moved cities. Got a new job. And struggled being a single parent to my 3y old. But I was happy to be away and getting a second chance. I never wanted to be in a relationship again. Knowing how destructive it can be!I met a man by chance a year later. He was also divorced and said he wanted nothing to do with women. I said I understood and we became friends. He came over for dinner and left afterwards. Or we went to the beach together with my son. He thanked me for making him feel “normal” again. One night he stayed over because he was a bit tipsy. And slept on the couch. He was a server technician and had very erratic hours. Sometimes he would come in the morning and ask if he could sleep in the house if he had worked nearby that night. And I gave him copies of the keys. And he slept there while I was at work.He said he was grateful that I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship, because that would ruin our friendship. And it worked for a while. Then one night we sat watching a movie and he fell asleep on my lap. When he woke, he said this was what he wanted for the rest of his life. And that he was at peace when he was with me. We had sex that night (although I had misgivings about what this would mean for the future). And it was amazing!! What followed was the best 3 months of my life!!! I was 35, but never knew it could be that way between a man and a woman. He was only my 2nd lover. I was utterly in love for 1st time in my life. The earth really moved… He kinda moved in, but kept his place.His work took some getting used to. He would sit around for days with nothing to do. Then suddenly his phone would ring and a server somewhere would be down and he would go out to fix it and work round the clock, sometimes 36-48hrs. And then nothing again. But he always had to have his phone on. One night he went to the bathroom and came back saying he has just been called in. I hadn’t heard the phone ring, but got up to start making sandwiches and get his coat (although it was summer, the server room are freezing inside!) He looked at me like “what are you doing?” and then said no he didn’t need sandwiches this time… He ran out the door without his coat as well…He returned the next morning (sunday), exhausted. Said he worked through the night and needed sleep. He plugged his phone in the charger in the kitchen and went off to bed, with me clucking sympathetically around him about having to work so hard.While he was sleeping and I was trying to keep my son entertained quietly, his phone received a text message. I sat there wondering what to do… If it was work, and he didn’t respond… he would be in big trouble. But I hated to wake him for nothing. So I decided to read the message. It said: Thanks for last night. It was amazing. Sorry you had to leave for work today, but I will be here, waiting. And as yu may imagine my life crashed down on me! Bigtime.It had been going on the whole time we were together. We broke up. I cried for weeks.I eventually met my current husband. We have another son. We are reasonably happy. He is a safe man. The problem is, I obsessively check his cellphone for messages.( The moment he gets in the shower, I grab his phone!)I figured out his email passwords, I check that. I check his computer history. I search his car and clothes for paper messages. I look at all his facebook friends’ profiles. I cant stop. He will feel violated if he found out. I am careful though! But I want/need to know if he is cheating! Is this unreasonable?? Tell me what you think…
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female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 Oh yeah I know how you feel. But you have to stop! I was with my ex for 5 years and he was a DOG! Any woman is going to become obsessed with "knowing" if they're with a cheating jerk whom they won't leave. But the big thing here is that when you DO leave someone like that- you have to leave the hyper-vigilent behavior there with him. If your current husband doesn't warrant such close watch- don't do it. I know it's a hell of a hard habit to break. I totally, completely know how it feels. But you're right- he'll be upset with you for "spying" on him like that. And that something that's not very easiy explained. It's embarrassing & makes you looks nuts. Don't do it anymore. Only if he gives you real reason to- & if he never does then you'll never have to violate his privacy again. And bedside if he were to find out he might be angry you have such little faith in him even though all it was a bad habit & not truly personal. Good luck. It's hard. Just put the phone down.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): One thing you must realize is that you will never truly know he's not cheating. Never to your 100% satisfaction. Not all cheaters leave messages on phones or emails. You can't watch him 24/7 for the rest of marriage. You will always have to exercise at least a little bit of blind faith in his fidelity.
This is life. You can't control every outcome. You can't guarantee every investment. You just have to take the smartest calculated risks that you can and forgive yourself for the times you're wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): As quiet-echo said it is understandable, but you have to find a way to trust your husband, you can't make him pay for the things that an ex has done. You have to stop doing this, it sounds like it has become an obsession, not all men are cheaters, most men are decent, relax and stop living in fear of being cheated on.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Have you found anything yet??? You are not seeing your husband as the man he is, but as the cheater he's suppose to develop himself to be, as your ex was. Some people are just not good people. Some people, as it seems your husband is, are good, but then treated as if they are not, because of a bad experience you had with another.
You are living on the edge of "what if?" You household is still moving day to day as it should, aside from the Mrs. running around crazy trying to prove something that no evidence supports. You are living in the fear of what can happen, instead of living in the love you have for your husband. This treatment is allowing the previous experience dictate your enjoyment now with your husband. You'll end up driving yourself nuts, with going nuts as the only fact. Live for today, be a family, treasure what you have, raise your child. And only if he says no sandwiches where he normally take them, shall you question what your husband is doing. You've experienced the pain of abuse, and the pain of being cheated on, isn't it time you experience what it's like without the pain?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): For some reason,
I feel that in the west marriages have become lot more despensible and it has generated a very complex web of sons, step sons, ex wives, ex husbands, step mothers and step sons , ex boy friends, ex girlfriends and so on..and the society as a whole is feeling more complexity and pain and grief is life in all of these. This is a thought at highest level seeing it from the other side of the world.
Coming to your problem, i feel you should stop doing it and forget the past. You should trust ur DH with full. I tell you trust is also very hard to break, once other person knows it that you trust him like any thing.
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