A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Mom had me when she was 16 and I was adopted by her older sister because she had plans for her education and career and a baby at 16 didn't fit into her plans. I'm not really on the greatest terms with my adoptive Mom at the minute and I'd like to have a bit more to do with my real Mom. She's always been a great 'aunt' but she lives in New Zealand so I've only seen her twice since I found out she was my real Mom about a year ago and both times I got really angry with her then refused to speak to her. I'd also like to know more about my real Dad since all I know is he was in his mid 30's and it was a one-night-stand, which obviously doesn't make him sound like a good guy. How can I go about getting closer to my real Mom without upsetting my adoptive Mom and how can I ask about my Dad without upsetting my real Mom? My friends have told me to just live with things the way they are but I feel like I need to do something especially to find out more about my Dad. I just don't know exactly what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, NextHowardStern  +, writes (6 March 2008):
See, sometimes it turns out ok, and sometimes it doesn't. I think trying to have a better relationship with your real mom, without pissing off your adoptive mom, is a lose-lose situation. She feels as though she is the one that has raised you. And how dare you feel as though you can go to another person who hasn't. Your adoptive mom probably feels that she is entitled to everything to do with you, and feels that your real mom should have nothing to do with you. As being an adoptee, I guess all I can say is that be careful. It could spin and go bad for all parties involved. Mine did. Today, I cannot stand my adoptive mother, and was MASSSIVELY disappointed when I met my real mom. However, my adoptive dad is the greatest, and I love him a lot. I understand that not everybodys story is the same, but in my experience, I wish I was never adopted. I wish I could have stayed in foster care all my life.Now, my foster parents are in their 80s, and my "grandpas" health is failing. I was in foster care until I was 6, so, I have your problem only double. But now that I am 30, if my real or adoptive mom, can't handle the fact that I favor my foster mom, that is their issue.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): She didn't tell me anything until last year. I've never asked if she had a choice or felt obliged to look after me. I'm from a huge family and I don't really want to hear that she's the only one who'd even consider taking care of me.
I think it might be best to just forget about it because I'm really screwed up enough at the minute. My 'Moms' spliting up with my Step Dad and it's like she's not particularly bothered about us kids. It looks like my younger brothers and sisters will end up with my Step Dad - their Dad - unless my 'Mom' suddenly becomes very maternal. And I just don't know what's going on at all with me. I know I'm 16 and I can always move in with my boyfriend and his Mom... but it's just weird.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I understand the lies love were they about the adoption as although my mum didnt lie to me she just forgot to tell me what it all ment and that was a shock at 10 to realise your mums not your mum, I wont lie and say that didnt affect me then.
I may be wrong but did your mum have a choice with the adoption or was it because your biological mum was just to young so she felt the need to help being family, This is not ment in any bad way as this may be why she has had problems, not with you but with the situation, I couldnt give my child up ever and that is were I found it hard to understand how someone could, But Im older now and I do understand how a mother would only want the best for a child and when they see they canot take care of that child then they do what they have to for the best welfare of the child or sometimes what they think is the best love.
Yes ive met my brothers and im very close with my eldest we are all natural siblings as I was the last to be born,
My real family are here though and always will be, The decitions we make in life can change us for the better and hunny if your mum is really as unaprochable as you are saying then you will have to do what ever makes you happier and a more forfilled person, it took me yrs to think hunny its not something that will happen quickly as you know there is alot to think about. Please take care love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Yes she looked after me and did all that Mom stuff - pretty badly to be honest - but she lied to me for years. I can't stand that at all. I don't understand how somebody can just not want a baby either. I had a little girl in September and all through the pregnancy I didn't want her. But once she was born I didn't want to let her go. She lives with her Dad now but I couldn't imagine not seeing her ever. Do you know your brothers? I know my Dad had a couple of sons who were older than me but I think that if they came up to me in the street and say 'hi we're your brothers' (obviously not gonna happen) but I think I'd run the other way. I don't know why. I'm not an only child at the minute but I really don't ever want to meet my half-brothers even though I love my brothers and sisters (biologically my cousins) to pieces.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Hi Love,
If you cant talk to your mom as you two dont see eye to eye, The right thing to do I feel is to still let her no what you are thinking of doing.
Now if she hits the roof, as you seem to have problems here let things calm down and stick to what you want to no.
Some people may not think this is the right thing to do, however if you are anything like me then I needed questions answered and I no without a doubt that if I had not found them I would to this day still be wondering about my brothers and other things.
You have many questions you want to ask your biological mom and this is very understandable.
I was 16 when I really wanted to do something and it wasnt untill I was 30 that it happened, Try as hard as you can to explain your reasons to your mom love and dont bite back if she is hurt or angry just go with the flow and remember she has done a job that your real mum couldnt do for reasons of been to young but she has grown since then and she will have thought of you, As my biological mom said to me a few weeks ago " Ive always loved you " I felt then that the decition she made was not really of her choosing but more of lifes battles and what you can deal with at that time.
Good luck hunny Take care love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Thank you both :) Being on bad terms with her is nothing to do with adoption or my real Mom. We've just never really got on well with each other. We're too opposite, got nothing in common at all. She's impossible to talk to.
I don't want to meet my Dad. I just want to know something about him. How it happened. If that makes any sense. I figure he didn't just walk up to her and say 'let's have a one-night-stand'. I'd like to know what he looked like too. I know he's probably not a very nice person. I want to know about him rather than actually knowing him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Hi Love,
I to am adopted but not the same situation as yours, You say you are not on good terms with your mom at the mo, I told my mom the truth right from the beginning I wanted to no and understand certain things to settle my head I disnt feel it fair to do this behind her back, So before you do anything try and talk with your mom and accept that she may be a bit upset and worried but reasure her, After all she is the person who has taken care of you for all these years love, And hopefully hunny you can work something out without feeling you have hurt anyone, You may feel a whole lot better after speeking with your biological mother and finding the reasons behind your adoption.
As for your father it has been said about the age between your mother and father so be very carefull as the last post said..
If you need to talk about any problems you may have concerning the adoption I will talk with you anytime so feel free to message me hunny...
Take care lots of love MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Your father slept with an underage girl and left her. Meeting him sounds dangerous. I would not advise you to get anywhere near him.
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