A
female
age
36-40,
*oyriv
writes:I love my fiance. He does everything for me and my son (who is not his). I feel like everything I do is wrong and he tells me that Im not good for anything. He leaves me alone alot (my family and what little friends I have say Im exagerating). He expects me not to have any friends yet he can have his (only guys no females). I talk to my sons aunt and he thinks I call to find out about my sons father, and he becomes upset not at the fact that I would be talking to him but at the fact that if I am talking to my ex, Im hiding it from him. The truth-I have not seen or heard from my ex since my son was 4months and I met my fiance when he was 5months. He is the only father my son knows. We've been living together for a year.Should I stay or should I leave?
View related questions:
fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): How long? We don'tknow how long. That depends on your patience and tolerance level. Many of us gals would be out the door the minute a cruel, abusive word was uttered, dear! It sounds like you love him, in spite of his lashing out? I really think a good dose of reality and discrimination on your part is needed to discern a man who would be good for your life. It appears that you love a man you have some fears and concerns. I don't blame you. Before you make any decision, you need to ask what is it about you, that makes you 'still' love a man who has hurt you? Many women would not give a guy like this-the time of day.
I still think you should leave-then make him 'earn his way back'. Trust is foundational and he has a lot of work to do. He earns that trust back through loving and respectful behaviours..it's done in baby steps. The best thing you can do make it clear that what he did to you, was a major event for you and caused you deep pain. Make him aware of the costs of his behaviors. Do this calmly and clearly but set some tough boundries. Let him know what will happen if he does it again. and follow through if it does happen again. Then drop the subject and never bring up the past again. Instead, quietly sit back watch what happens. But don't be in a rush to hand your heart over to someone who burnt you once. If I were you, I would proceed...but very, very cautiously and don't excuse his behaviors away with the "but I love him" rationale. That is what is keeping you cemented in an unhappy situation. Is he treating you like he loves you? That should be the big question. If he's acting cruel and controlling you, this is not love, dear..you have to see that, don't you? So will he change? A person's character is pretty much embedded in their personality, by the time they reach adulthood. The chances of him changing for the better are slim...but it has been done with counseling. Have you ever considered couple counselingfor both of you. Perhaps he needs to re-learn about respecting a woman. It's woth a try but if no changes are forthcoming, you have a glimpse into your future and it doesn't look bright.
A
female
reader, joyriv +, writes (31 October 2007):
joyriv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you guys! Everyone seem to say the same thing. I need to leave because believe me I have tried the whole communicating my feelings and its like we fix one thing then 2 more issues come up then we fix one of those and anther 2 come and it just keeps bulding and weve been thru sooo much I want to keep fighting I really think he is trying he doesnt go out with his friends as much as he used to and like I said many family and friends think Im exagerating. But I get scared sometimes like when we have a really good day and there are no problems, the very next day we are arguing and sleeping with our backs to eachother. I want to leave I just dont know when or how or if I should stay a little longer or how much longer?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): You have an immature, very manipulative, controlling bf there, dear. So sad, that many people get caught up in toxic, unhealthy relationships, especially when there are innocents involved such as children. That is soo heartwrenching to me. And many people in these toxic relationships...make the choice to leave or stay. I think you need to choose very wisely, hun. Because your young son has no choice..you are his protector and defender against any all people who treat him or those close to him (you), in a manipulativie, controlling, abusive manner.. You bf is damaging you and even though you don't see it...your bf is damaging your son. Your son is learning behaviors that will adversely affect him when he grows up and he may become the next victim. I say..get the hell out of there...fast. Think about that. And why do you think just because your abusive bf does everything for you and your son, that you have to feel an obligation to this controlling, cruel man? What makes you feel you have to 'settle'? You need to learn to go it on your own and become a strong, independent woman and stop being dependant on this male or any male to 'give' you a life. There are wonderful men out there you could eventually date and love who would treat you with respect and honor. I think you need to value yourself more, and spending less time with people who take you down and abuse you verbally. Always, always choose people in your life who value you...who value what you value will make your life more enjoyable. Even more importantly, it will give your precious son the opportunity to see the difference between productive, mature behavior and it's opposite. Choose wisely not just for you, but for this child. I wish you the best, hun and be strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi,
I think you already know the answer to that, if he says hurtful things to you then he clearly has no love or respect for you & my personal advice would be to leave, you cant live with a man that treats you wrong we all deserve to be happy in life!
I have heard so many times from woman that their b/f goes out all the time with his friend's etc but she is never allowed the same kind of freedom, why is it that men choose their own rules for themselves and another one for their girlfriends, a relationship needs to be 50/50 to work.
I say leave make yourself & your son happy & get the love & respect that you deserve!
i wish you the best! x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Hi there,
Your fiance doesnt seem to trust you.He might be thinking that he has done a favor on you by accepting u and ur son.Dont let him take u for granted.For a relationship to sustain...there shud b lot of trust.Sit and talk to him bout the problems.Then try continuing the relationship for some more time,if things r the same then my advice wud b to call it quits before it is too late.
All The Best and Take Care.
...............................
|
