A
male
age
51-59,
*adAndStressed
writes:How can I get through to my wife ? For 6 or 7 years now I've been trying to get her to talk to me and discuss many things including our virtually non existent sex life. She's refused. She seems to want to live in some odd scenario which is more like friends. We don't fight. I've moved into the spare room and can't see a way back. Tried everything weekends away, you name it. It's making me very sad and depressed and is causing me to slide down into a cycle of worse symptoms like anxiety. Went to the counsellor and was told I had to resolve the burden I am carrying round. I can see that would be a good thing to solve but I don't know how. In the end I can't face the ultimate solution of leaving as I can't leave my kids and live in poverty. This would just set me even further down the slippery slopeAny suggestions ? Could really use some help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 I'm sorry to hear this.
I think you have a couple of options.
1. you could ask for a divorce and ask her to leave the home with you and the kids and have her find her way on her own
2. you could ask her since you are no longer living as husband and wife if you could have an open relationship... then you would probably meet someone that would give you the strength to end your marriage
3. you say you moved into the spare room... why? if it was for a short term thing that has stretched out.. have you talked to your wife and said you want to come back?
see if this was me and I was getting NO affection or love I would tell my spouse that I could not live like this and ask to go to counseling to try and find out what's gone wrong....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): "One of the very few things that separates a romantic relationship from a very good friendship is sex. Without it, you dont have a marriage, you have a friendship. "
Not necessarily. Marriage has COMMITMENT to stay together through life's ups and downs and be exclusive to each other. there is also the strong emotional and even spiritual bonds. A very good friendship does not have these, for example a friendship is not exclusive (you can have more than one good friend at a time) nor does it require commitment of the same level.
Many married couples can no longer be physically intimate due to medical reasons or disabilities. Yet they stay together til the end. Would you say they no longer have a marriage? that sounds like it diminishes their relationship simply because there is no physical intimacy beyond hugging/kissing.
we all know that emotional affairs (where there hasn't been any sexual activity are every bit if not more damaging than physical affairs). This acknowledges that the physical aspect is not the overriding factor that defines and validates a marriage, if it were then emotional affairs wouldn't be so damaging.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 January 2013):
One of the very few things that separates a romantic relationship from a very good friendship is sex. Without it, you dont have a marriage, you have a friendship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Sounds like your wife has huge problems with you but is trying not to rock the boat hence she won't what's in her mind. Both of you are invested in a peaceful co existence because of kids and your fear of divorce. That's why she wont say what's in her mind because it could really disrupt the peace and make daily life uncomfortable.You should get over your fear of divorce because right now you are trapped in an unhappy marriage and its unclear if it will ever get better. Only if you are not afraid to walk away from her can you be free to do whatever it takes to save the relationship. Maybe this has more to do with confidence and having other people to turn to for emotional support and a fundamental peace within yourself that is not swayed by the state of your marriage. If you don't have this inner peace and rely on your wife to provide all the comfort and joy you need in life then every time you talk to her you will be too heavily invested in what you need from her to be objective let alone hear her point of view of why she cannot provide it to you.I think the best thing for you is to get ready emotionally to leave her. It doesn't mean you have to leave her. It means you take a step back and extricate yourself emotionally so you can be more objective and less needy when you do try to talk to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): "In the end I can't face the ultimate solution of leaving as I can't leave my kids and live in poverty."And this is the problem. You are trapped because you refuse to entertain the alternatives. There are alternatives, you just will not consider them realistically. But you can't change someone else. And if you NEED her to change in order to be happy or less miserable then you are sentencing yourself to misery and a life of just coping. if you've tried all you can to improve your relationship with your wife and it's not improving, your choices are to lower your expectations and learn to be happy with what you have (hey, you never fight, right? that's a plus) or face the alternatives. if there is only one route by which you can be happy which is for your wife to overhaul herself, then you will be miserable indefinitely. You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Try more to listen to her with compassion, not just talk to her. When you talk, you're not listening. Your wife may be harboring a lot of resentments or disappointments toward you hence her shutting down towards you. with a wall of resentment and hurt, the last thing she wants to do is be physically intimate. For her, being cordial and friendly might be the best that she can feel towards you if she has unresolved anger or hurt.
approach her again but instead of making it about how hurt you are and what you want and what you want her to do and how you want her to change, take the pressure off and ask her what is hurting HER and what is bothering HER that she doesn't want to engage with you. but dont' get defensive.
The first step is to aim to UNDERSTAND her point of view, not to ask for change when you have no idea why she is the way she is and if you had anything to do with it. Before there can be physical intimacy there has to be emotional intimacy or psychological intimacy and if you have no idea why she feels this way then you have none of of the pre-requisites for physical intimacy so the goal of physical intimacy will continue to be out of the question.
again, try to listen to her not just talk to her because when you talk, you're not listening and it sounds like you don't know why she feels this way towards you.
don't expect her to suddenly open up to you just because you ask, either. Realize that this is a long drawn out process and you have to start small and not make her uncomfortable. If she doesn't want to talk, don't give up. Maybe she is with holding information to avoid your negative feelings. You have to make the atmosphere comfortable for her to want to reveal to you what she's really thinking about you even if it's not what you want to hear. only then can there be any hope for any healing to happen or any way forward even if it's to eventually separate.
I'm not saying that you're to blame here, but it takes two to have a relationship, rarely is the deterioration of a relationship due entirely to one person. It might have started with one person but the dynamic between both people kept it going downward.
Realize that you may be stuck in this situation a long time more as it may take a long time before you can work out these issues gradually and in the meantime you need to not be so desperate for her to change in order for you to feel better about your life.
Therefore starting now you need to ask yourself what can you do that is within your control to improve your life, and which does NOT in any way depend on her? What can you do to make yourself happier which does not depend on her? (and which is still ethical and healthy of course, not things like turning to alcohol or an affair to distract yourself from an unhappy marriage).
Your marriage is not your entire life. If you are unhappy in your marriage, feel like you've reached a dead end but have decided that for other reasons you will not divorce her, then you simply must place less emphasis on the importance of having an intimate relationship to your life so you don't get overwhelmed by your marital misery.
Focus more on developing other sides to yourself that do not involve intimate relationships. For example focus more on your kids, or on your other friendships and family relationships. You need a support system, it does not have to be your intimate partner. Your friends and family can be your support system. Focus on improving yourself in other ways, developing new skills, finding a new cause that you're passionate about, etc.
Find other ways to build your self esteem like re-inventing yourself and making and achieving other goals. Who knows, from improved self esteem you might notice a change in the dynamic of the relationship if anything from being less 'desperate' for her to change, and that might help you to relate better to her in a way that will in turn make her relate better to you. But that shouldn't be your goal (because that would still be focused on her needing to change for you to be happier). The goal should be for you to find other things in life to focus on to make yourself content and happy that does NOT involve an intimate/sexual partner and de-emphasize the importance of having an intimate relationship. There's a lot more to life than just your intimate relationship or marriage. If your marriage sucks but you won't divorce her, then you simply need to de-emphasize its importance in your life so that your unhappy marriage doesn't overwhelm your existence.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Hi
Sounds to me like you have done everything you can to resolve this situation. If she is refusing to discuss anything and all you have tried has failed then theres not alot more you can do.
I don't think its fair to withold sex, nor to refuse to sit and talk about other issues with you. Your married with kids its not like your just dating.Now your in the spare room.Its almost like she is trying to freeze you out of the home and marriage.Have one last go at getting her to Marriage Guidance or counselling.
I think its definately worth chatting to a solicitor, see how you stand maybe you could go for the home and custody of your children, after all its your wife who is not keeping her side of the bargain here.Get some advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): This is deeper than sex. Why did you move into the spare bedroom, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation; not about sex but where this relationship is going. What does she do when you do talk to her? Not talk? Walk away? What is preventing this conversation? There has to be a deeper issue than this. I mean you dont just get married wake up one day and move into the spare bedroom. This took time and Im positive you could be a contributing factor whether you know it or not and wether its your fault or not. . Why wont sge go to marriage counselling? Have you talked about that at all? Dont focus so much on sex for now focus on exactly what caused this, in order to do that its vital you both start open communication. Remember you both have to make an effort not just one of you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 January 2013):
 Nobody can use the law to make someone have sex with them (that was not my suggestion), but knowing how you stand legally if the marriage comes to an end is useful.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 January 2013):
 I think if you feel you have tried every option you may need to discuss breaking up, with her or living without sex, I don't think using the law to push her into having sex with you is the right way to go!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 January 2013):
Google 'conjugal rights'
look for web pages from the UK and see if there is anything legal that might help you.
I think it's fair that if one partner withdraws sex for no reason and is not actively seeking to resolve the problem (like counselling) then the other partner has a right to take direct action.
I don't agree with cheating but it might be worth having a chat to your wife about the open relationship idea...for her to say no to sex, well it's her body...but to deny you any sex at all (where ever it comes from)seems unfair.
As long as you are safe consensual and honest, I think it might be the way to go.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 January 2013):
If you've really tried everything including romantic evenings (more than one or two) and couple's counseling then you may need to have a blunt conversation with her about having an open relationship.
Tell her you'd love to be with her and her only but she seems completely uninterested in being with you despite your best efforts. Tell her that intimacy is important to you and you don't want to go without it for the rest of your life. So, if she has no interest in being with you then you'd like to find someone to fulfill that need. Be straightforward, don't ask for permission, but make sure it's known that you'd prefer to be with her.
A number of things could happen. She may agree with little or no argument, she may be hurt and beg you to reconsider and offer to be more intimate or she may get mad.
I don't know your wife so I can't suggest what to do in each scenario but you need to think ahead of time.
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