A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be long so bare with me!I've been with my current boyfriend for about 1 year 4 months. At first he wasn't very caring and tended to be very selfish, it took him 6 months to say 'love you' he never says 'I love you'. He's been on holiday 3 times with his mates since we've been together but never with me. The problem is that lately he is being very loving and caring but I have developed feelings for his friend! It's not an excitement thing, because I would do anything not to feel this way, it's very painful. I just feel incredible warmth whenever I'm near him and it almost feels like it's magnetic? If that makes sense. He's kind of odd, a bit like me which I think is the main cause of the attraction as we both do things other people don't(like moving snails off the pavement into the greenery). We talk lots and he has said a few things that make me think he feels the same way. However, I do not want to get into this, it's a nasty situation and I need to stop because I have been hurt in the past and cannot do it to someone else. he's also just started seeing a girl, and on the two occasions we've been in the same room I feel sick and want to cry.This is tearing me up and I desperately want to tell him how I feel, so he can tell me he's not interested and I can move on. But then I risk him telling my BF and losing everything. I'm so confused and feel like a total bitch for having these feelings. How can I get rid of them? Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): I think that your relationship with your boyfriend has run its course, your not going to be able to shake away these feelings if your still around his friend so you will have to cut ties at least until the feelings dissolve enough for you to move on.
Dont tell his friend that you have feelings for him, if he has a girlfriend it would be really horrible to do that to her and put him in that kind of position.
You can't blame yourself for having these feelings, we can't help who we fall for, but just step back and look at it from an outside perspective, i think that if you tell him it will end up messy. Trust me if its ment to be it will be, good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you're right, and I can't see us having a future together in the long run. However he has helped me so much and has never had a girl dump him (he's 27 and has had many girlfriends) I don't feel I can be the one to do that to him because he's finally opened up. He's also very lovable and we laugh so much. What a mess, if only there was a way of switching off these feelings.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 First, there is something you need to come to grips with. The boyfriend you're with is not the one for you. You should break up with him at your earliest convenience. He's not the one for you. You already know this, or you wouldn't be having feelings for a friend and feeling the sting of unmet needs from your current boyfriend.
Second, DO NOT HEDGE YOUR BETS. I can't stress this enough. Love is a risk. You can't stay with the one you're with just because you're afraid you'll "lose everything". And, by god, do not express feelings toward his friend while you're still with him. Do you realize what kind of awkward hell you'll be putting yourself into? Very bad idea.
Third, this friend is with a girl now. He's just started, so you don't have very much time. Break up with the guy you're with and have a talk with him before he and this girl enter into an exclusive relationship.
Fourth, your feelings do not make you a "bitch", as you've stated. What you do about them determines that. Cheating on your boyfriend or hedging your bets are both "bitchlike" behaviors. However, being courageous, breaking up with your current guy so that you're free to pursue either his friend or someone else without the selfishness or love hangups is not bitchy in the slightest.
Either way, you know you need a serious change, because you can't keep going like this.
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