| A
female
,
*emima
writes: Hi there, I have been with my girlfriend now for ten months - we have all the makings of a great relationship - we have mutual trust, care about eachother, have shared interests, same morals, differences which interest each other, sexual compatability, we have open and honest conversations with each other regularly etc. The one bugbear we seem to have though is the fact that when we are together everything is great, we get along fine, have fun and time flies by - however when we are apart from each other, my girlfriend says she worries alot - about things like whether she is missing me enough, whether we're gonna last, how long it's going to take until she really 'knows' me etc - it seems to go in cycles we'll be ok for a few months then she'll be worrying and bring up these insecurities (which does crush me but I try to be as understanding as I can - I am in love with her) - she says they are only there when she has time to think and when we're together things are fine. I did say to her that things take time and if we keep being open and honest with each other we'll be ok. I suggested that maybe we need to spend more time together so that there is less time alone to worry, but with work and other commitments, mainly on her part this is sometimes difficult. We did discuss the possiblility of moving in together and she said if she was braver she would say 'let's just give it a go.' I think having that time would be helpful in getting to know each other better - our habits/routines/emotions etc which would strengthen the relationship, but I am also aware as she is that we have only been together ten months. Do you have any advice as to what we can do to strengthen the relationship and help dispel her worries and insecurities?
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jemima +, writes (24 August 2009):
jemima is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your advice, I have suggested relaxation things for her such as meditation and some of these have helped her so that's good, we have however decided to take a trial separation in order to see if in fact we should just be friends - I think her main worry is whether she is feeling enough, so hopefully this will help her decide one way or the other - the irony really is that the moment I backed away, she became more affectionate towards me so maybe the issues were with me being too full on and head in the clouds rather than grounded and natural so I think it's just a case now of riding things out and trust that whatever happens it'll be for the best :-)
A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (20 August 2009):
Honey you can't fix her insecurities she has to do that herself your wasting your time if you think you can change her so you either have to except her the way she is or move on sad as that is to say.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2009):
 She's got to solve this herself; you can't do this for her. At least she's acknowledged that she has an issue with worrying, that's a good first step.
I am close to someone who is a huge worrier. She worries about things that may not ever happen, but she just can't help herself. It has nothing to do with the reality of the situation, you can have endless talks about how irrational her thought pattern is, but she simply cannot change the deeply engrained habit.
I think it might be some kind of remnant of childhood, somehow, the habit is started and the worrying is a part of everyday life. It keeps you from making stupid mistakes because you've overanalyzed all that can go wrong.
The problem with this is that when something really bad happens, like say, cancer, the defense mechanism is actually counterproductive. It sinks the person into despair because the worry is now of a real, awful thing that can actually kill you. It's not good.
I think counseling is in order for her. She needs to learn new ways of coping with stress and new patterns of thought. Replacing the toxic thoughts with healthier ones. You're simply not going to be able to do it.
You could also try getting into practicing stress relieving therapies. Yoga, exercise, hypnosis, I'm just throwing things out there and maybe something would help her.
Suggest she see her GP, get a proper physical, be evaluated for panic disorder or depression and be supportive as you can. Point out when she starts the negative ideation and encourage positive thoughts. But again, you're not going to be able to do this for her. She's going to have to do it.
Good luck!
...............................
|
