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anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm 26 and have been married to my husband for a couple of years now; we've been together for over four years total.Last year at this time, I had a miscarriage (the pregnancy was unplanned, but we were both really happy - until it ended). I'm having a hard time dealing with it again (I was okay for a while, I guess because it's this time of year I'm really hurting).Anyway, I've been wanting a baby ever since, but my husband wants to wait. I know it would be better to do this, as well (mainly because of the money - but you can never have enough, in my opinion; I just got a promotion and make over $50k/year so it's not like we're poor or anything! Combined, we pull in close to $90k/year.), but I can't help getting so emotional about it. All I do is watch shows about pregnancy, giving birth and how to be a good mother. And that's basically what I spend my time reading, as well. I've gone through about 5 pregnancy and child rearing books. I also look at baby name books. Argh!It's gotten to the point where I think about "accidentally" getting pregnant on purpose. I have to stop this!!! This is so bad!!!! If I did that, I would never forgive myself. That would make me a terrible, awful person. So, I would never do it, but the fact that I think about it even makes me feel guilty... I don't know...How do I get over wanting to have a child until my husband is ready in several years? How do I get my mind off of all of this? Is it natural to feel the urge this much? I feel like it is not.I hardly talk about it with my husband about all of this because he always tells me the same thing: that he's not ready yet. I know that he's not, but it doesn't help me get over the feelings I have, either. It's like nothing gets accomplished if we talk about it, because the issue is side-stepped.Please help! Thank you in advance!!!
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reader, Tommy7 +, writes (11 October 2007):
After reading your reply I think you should have the baby now. I think your husband has cold feet because of the awsome responsibility. I felt the same when I was in his place. Now with hindsight I think he should want to move ahead because of all the advantages you two have now. A child is so wonderful. It turns your whole life upside down in a good way. Wait ???not weight ???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Well, me again..I just wanted to say that you will be surprised at how many things people will give you. Think about how many ppl. you know who have babies or children..I am sure a lot of them are waiting for someone to come along that they know who is expecting a baby, so they can unload all thier baby/kid stuff on them. My baby is 6 mo. old like I said, and I have garbage bags already of clothes to give away..and her baby swing, her bouncy seat, etc. that she already outgrew. I don't know anyone expecting a baby however, so the items will wait in my basement forever..But like I said before, eBay is a good place to get things cheap, and I got a few things on craigslist.org. for cheap..When you think about it, babies outgrow their things so fast, you don't need the nicest of everything..I even use a hand me down car seat & it works just fine. I was really worried when I was pregnant that I would not have enough things for her, or money..and we have more things for her than we need. My sister told me not to worry, that she felt the same way when she was pregnant, and that it really turns out better than you thnik it will. One thing I will say however..if you have to put a baby into daycare, that can get pricey. I stay home, but I didn't really have a great job before, so it's not worth me putting her into daycare so I can work & earn the same amount that I'd pay for daycare..that is the one thing I would think about. However, you can put her into a home daycare, someone who watches kids out of thier home, and it is cheaper. My sister pays 150 a week..I had an offer to put my baby in a home day care for 100 a week but my job didn't need me back, so I didn't do it. But my point is, you need to shop around, be cheap..they will only use it for so long..
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello! And thank you to those who have replied!!
Anonymous - This is great to know from someone who has experienced it first hand - with buying the lower-priced items. I actually talked with my husband about all of this tonight and told him about your answer. He seemed to be rather pleasantly surprised. I think - and I told him this - that he just needs to learn more about all of this so that things like financials, etc. don't seem like such big "problems." Thank you very much for your answer.
Tommy - I'll just go through all of your questions in order, I suppose. :)
1. "Do you intend to stop working?" No, I don't. I actually earn most of our income, so I hadn't even thought of quitting work.
2. "How long would you be off work?" I get six weeks maternity leave from work (I think - I'll have to double check). But I only work four days a week, every other week. My company also has a program for its employees; it supplies day care for free.
3. "Can you agree how much saving you would need to make him feel comfortable?" This is still something that we need to discuss; however, over a year ago (when I found out about my first pregnancy) I opened an account specifically for our child. It actually has more in it than our regular savings account. For now, I am the only one setting aside funds. I really should speak with him about how much we BOTH need to put aside, though. Good question! Thank you!!
4. "The longer you weight the more expensive the costs of raising a child becomes." I hadn't thought of that. Well, with each of our jobs we get an annual cost of living increase in our salaries. But we also get raises on top of this. So it's not that important on the list of priorities, but it's definitly something to consider. This is also something else that I should bring up with my husband. Thank you, again!!
5. "Taking the pill puts you health at risk." I'm assuming you mean the birth control pill, right? I actually don't take the pill. It made me lose my libido! Plus, like you've mentioned, I just don't want to take in more hormones than my body is naturally supposed to have. It just doesn't seem like a good idea to me... So we are only using condoms at the moment. :)
Awesome advice and really good points brought up by everyone. I'm so happy that I posted my problem. Thank you, everyone, so much!!
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reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 October 2007):
Do you intend to stop working?
How long would you be off work?
Can you agree how much saving you would need to make him feel comfortable?
The longer you weight the more expensive the costs of raising a child becomes.
Taking the pill puts you health at risk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I just had a baby 6 months ago. I am 26, and a stay at home mother. people tell you how much it costs to have a baby.. I am just saying that in my experience, it is not that much. If you or he have insurance that covers all the medical aspects..then you have pretty much won the battle..you can get hand me down clothes from relatives, friends, church sales, ebay, etc..not that expensive. I buy store brand diapers, a box of 130 for $13.00 That's pretty cheap & they work the same as the expensive brands, I have tried them all. I got my crib free from a website called freecycle.com where people give free things away online so that they can get rid of them without having to throw them away. I got her changing table/dresser for $30.00 and I buy the Wal*Mart store brand formula, 26 ounces for $10.00..That lasts about 10 days..Not that expensive..and the same as commercial formula, I asked my baby's doctor. Also at your baby shower you will get so many things that you don't even need or use. I admit that children will probably get more expensive as they grow, but come on, you can always cut corners & get things for less money. They can get a job when they are teens too to have their own spending money and money for gas, car, etc. I had to when I was a teen. I was paying $300.00 a month rent to my mom when I was 18..Anyways, If you want a baby I wouldn't let anyone take that womanly right away from you. It is the most special thing that can happen to a woman. And if you think about it, it's your God given right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSalad - I didn't see your answer until I posted my last reply. I was thinking about not absorbing myself in all things baby until my husband is ready. I think that's probably adding to my problem - especially at this time of year (I keep thinking things like "I wonder if our baby would be doing that by now" when I watch the child care shows. It's awful, but I can't stop!)
I guess it's good that I have learned a lot, but it would definitly help me to forget about things if I actually gave myself the chance. This is going to be hard, but I'm going to try and do it!
Thanks for answering!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies!
Daisy - Thank you for your kind words. I think you have a good idea about showing him my post. I will probably do that.
Uncle Phil - He has mentioned that he thinks a baby will make his life come to a screeching halt, but he really doesn't spend as much time talking about that - it's basically just the money. I brought up the fact about how we would have our child in the house later in life, and he didn't seem that concerned about it (his parents had him later in life, so he's used to that idea I think.) I am going to try to pin down a year, at least. It seems like it's always fluctuating between three and five years. That is sort of a big difference, at least in my opinion.
Dr Pete - My husband is a very sensitive person, but it's hard to get him to express his feelings. You may be onto something. I've tried to initiate conversations about what's going through his mind, but he never tells me how exactly he feels about something. He cries at sad movies and yet I can't get him to tell me how he feels about real life situations...
Anonymous - Well, I think that my husand's feelings are more important than having a child, honestly. That's why I would never actually go behind his back to get pregnant. I just think of that sometimes. I know that it would be totally selfish of me. His brother was actually in that same situation, so we know all too well how that situation can go. (He seems happy, but was forced into a life he didn't want - and he wasn't shy about telling everyone about it.)
But the reason that I want a child is because I love my husband so much. I want to have HIS child, not just a child. I actually never, ever wanted kids until I was with him. This is probably going to sound strange, but I really can't put words to why I want to have a child with my husband. I guess I could say it's because I want to have a child, yes, but I want it to be with the most caring, sensitive, intelligent, funny, charismatic, sweet, loving person I know - and that is my husband. Bringing another life into this world with someone who actually has all of these qualities would mean so much to me. Having a baby inside of me that is from someone who I love so much is something that I cannot describe. And watching that baby grow up to become a mature adult, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't care if our child grew up to be the wealthiest man in the world, a nobel prize winner or a bum on the side of the street. Our child would be our child - a part of us - a part of my husband. I would have more to say, but I just cannot think of how to accurately describe what I'm feeling more than I already have. (Thank you for asking this question. You know, I think it was good for me to really think about this and get out how I'm feeling in words - as much as I could. Maybe it will help in future discussions with my husband! Thank you!!!)
And I agree with you about maintaining a good relationship - that's bery good advice. That's the only way that I'd be happy. And without a good relationship, you're right, it'd be selfish to bring a baby into the mix.
Thank you all again for your advice. I got some very good advice from all of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I don;t have much to say, because I think that Dr. Pete was really helpful. But I can offer this: until your husband is ready put down the baby books and change the channel. Also either babysit for your friends or relatives (which would be good practice for your own) or look into foster care. Good luck and thank you for not tricking your husband into parenthood.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Well I guess you have to ask yourself what is more important here. Having a child or being caring of your husbands feelings?? And also I think it is important for you to think about why exactly does your husband not want a child? And why do you want one so bad?
One of you has to budge and I don't necessarily think it all has to be you. But there has to be compromise between the two of you. But if you both have very different priorities then that is going to eventually catch up to you both and may pose a problem in the future when it comes to your relationship, children aside. You have to understand that this is something that he does not want right now. But I guess he too has to understand that you want this. That you are ready. You both have to compromise here. I think you both should be trying to make eachother happy, rather than it being just one of you sacrificing his or her priorities to please the other. But maybe it really isn't a good time like your husband says.
One thing that you should understand, though, is that if you "accidently" get pregnant, that could jeopardize your relationship and his trust in you. That just wouldn't be nice or fair on your part to do to him. In fact it is kind of selfish. I just think having a child like that is bad karma. Don't you want this child to be born into a mutually loving and mutually respectful relationship?? Be born to two parents who were in mutual agreement of having this baby?? I think that would be best for this child and for your relationship with this man. So my advice to you is absolutely do not do that. Like I said that is just bad karma. You can't just think of yourself here but you have to think of the people involved in this. Both your husband and your child. My boyfriends ex wife tried to get pregnant behind his back. He too did not want a baby and she knew that and she went ahead anyways and stopped taking the pill behind his back. He found out about it and was so unnerved that she would do that to him. They broke up shortly after.
I think what is most important right now is not having a baby but maintaining a good relationship with your husband based on love and respect. That way in the future when you both are ready, you will have a loving family for your kids to be born into. If you really love the child you want to have and are really looking out for his or her best interest then I think you will go about this the "right" way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I think behind the logical reasoning's of your husband is perhaps a man who is hurting over the miscarriage too. I feel for you loosing your baby and no matter how early on in a pregnancy, it is still always a great loss and therefore something that means you will mourn over it.
I think many, particularly men, probably feel as if they shouldn't have such thoughts about something that they don't consciously reason with themselves as being that significant. Those thoughts then become hidden away and one just tries and get on with life the best they can.
But the loss of a pregnancy, whether through miscarriage or termination can really test a relationship because of the feelings of loss that it brings and the problem can be with those feelings go unacknowledged with each other.
So perhaps there is more to why your husband has gone from being happy about a pregnancy the first time round to not wanting another one? It sounds like it has much more to do with fear and loss brought by the first pregnancy, rather than anything else.
People often think they make decisions based on logical necessity but I believe there is always an emotional aspect that is driving it. Perhaps your husband has found it hard, or hasn't acknowledged, that this may be the reason for why he says he is so reluctant this time round?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I get the feeling that your husband isn't ready yet because he's thinking of the reduced disposable income and extra responsibility. You bring in a good wage between you, but a baby costs money. A LOT of money. Sleepless nights, dirty diapers etc. In short, a great deal of upheaval one way or another.
If you keep delaying the decision to become parents you may find you've become too old to cope with it all. On the other hand, the sooner you make the decision, the sooner the child (or children) grow up and leave home.
I think it might be an idea to pin your husband down to a time when he considers, or is likely to consider it to be the right time. You're not getting any younger. I mean, if you had a baby now, you'll be aged around 45 by the time he or she flies the nest. Leave it another 5 years and you'll be around 50. Does he really want to be dealing with a rowdy, argumentative teenager at that age?
Maybe he doesn't want kids at all, and if that's the caseI see trouble on the horizon.
Talk to him, and make sure he desn't change the subject!
Phil
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