A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I get over the man I love, We have not spoken for 5 weeks and he is all I think about.We have alot of history and have spent most of this year together, he is separated and it's getting very messy.The ex has found out about me as is threatening to move away with his child (7 years).The house, the business everything is in her name, so to get divorced he would be financially crippled and if he doesnt play by her rules, he also won't have his child around.They split up because of her cheating and he no longer loves her.Now I know, so please dont have a go at me, that I should not be with a man who has so much to deal with, but he asked me out, he was not living with his ex so I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong as such.Now the **** has hit the fan, he has gone off the rails and I have cut contact with him. We have no had contact for 5 weeks, but I feel like I am griefing for him.I know I won't contact him, but how can I move on, I so scared of seeing him out as I just don't know what to say to him. But I know that he has too many issues to truly be mine.Any advice would be great, I just don't know what I should do should he contact be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I am the OP xxx
Thank you aunty em, and yes option 3 is the best option for me.
Although I know for sure we are very much in love, we have both broken off contact, it is pointless when there are so many issues to be resolved.
I believe in fate, so what will be will be. I need to focus on me now, stay away from him and let him sort out his own life and hopefully he will eventually stop the self destructive life that he is leading and I will see things clearer for myself.
We can't help who we all for, we are all human but we can control how we deal with it.
Thanks for your great advice, I'll continue to keep busy, going out (avoiding where he is likely to be) and working on myself.
xxxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 Does he still want a relationship with you??...
My whole reply hinges on that one fact.
If he still wants to maintain a relationship with you and you have cut him off then he is probably licking his wounds but at the same time, the pair of you having no contact is giving him space to sort out his *hit.
You know divorces are messy. There is a HUGE mess to sort out and some of his financial stability depends on the outcome of the divorce. Maybe he hasn't even reached the divorce stage. Separation is an extremely BAD time to be getting into a new relationship. His ex can use it as a weapon to manipulate the money and access to the kids.
Believe me people are cunning and wiley during divorce and they are both best left to get on with it.
He may still want a relationship with you after things have been sorted, but right now he needs a vast amount of time to deal with other issues. As wonderful as you are, he needs to be focussing his attention elsewhere and if your a mature kind person you will realise that.
You have removed yourself from the situation and now your in a state of sadness and desperation. This is self imposed misery, you need to give yourself a stern talking to. You know this guy is up to his neck right now so you have two...no wait!...three choices...
1) Sit it out in the wings and give him space to deal with all his problems. Let him know you have feelings for him still and that you will wait for him. This doesn't mean getting in his face and expecting him to keep running back and forth to you and wrecking your emotions. It means 'Sort your life out, know that right now I still have feelings for you and if, when everything settles down, we decide we want to give things another go...we can try then'
2) Jump up and down, beat yourself up with yearning and then throw yourself right into the middle of his mess.
3) Accept (as you seem to be doing now) that his problems are too much to handle and that it's not a viable option to get in any deeper with him. (personally I think this is the best choice).
You need to do all the regular 'break-up' stuff. Avoid him and places you both know. See your friends and take good care of yourself right now.
We have all had to drag through 'break-up cement' at one time or another. There is no other words to describe it other than 'IT SUCKS'...we all hate it and make ourselves suffer because of it...but we also know that we can recover from it.
I seriously sympathise with you. I went through a similar thing earlier this year and 5 months on I am still recovering. I admit things are 100 times better but it's still there in the back of my mind and I am glad that I walked away. It's hard to ever be completely comfortable with our decisions but in the end we know what is best for us...don't we?
Keep your chin up darling, be as strong as you can be and try not to let the pain drag you down...that's the best advice I can give you.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I am the original poster,
I should have given, more info, he is not in love with his wife, he is afraid of her as he has a drink problem too and drinks as he is trapped and cant see any solution out.
I have known him and his family for 20 years so he is not some stranger telling me lies.
Anyway - reading back over my post, if I was replying to this question, yes I would tell them to walk too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): He was still married regardless if he was seperated or not thus, you should have never got involved with him until the divorce was FINAL. This guy isn't that concerned about his ex "taking" his child. Unless he is a bad and dead beat father, he could go to the courts to assure that she doesn't run off with the child. Futhermore, how do you know that the ex was the one who cheated? Men will say anything when they are doing dirt or trying to get away with things they shouldn't be doing. If his ex is as crazy as he is letting on, he would have done something about it by now and he certainly wouldn't have stopped talking to you for five weeks. Seperation doesn't mean that someone is getting a divorce.
It sounds like this guy was using you and had no real intentions on leaving his wife for good. And so what if everything is in her name...if she created the business why wouldn't it be? Futhermore, how do you know this to be true? It seems as though you have taken this guy's word as GOD WORD and now he has screwed you over. This guy isn't worried about being financially crippled, he isn't worried about his wife running off with the child to another state..he only wants to play mind games with you, he only wishes to use you, he has no real intentions to every commit to you on a emotional level even though he might agree to a relationship of some sort.
Stay away from this man...he is still married thus he is OFF THE MARKET. I don't care how heart broken you are..try getting over it because she shouldn't have gotten involved with this guy to begin with..you dated him, got into a relationship with him and fell in love with him KNOWING he was still married to another woman. Once again..seperation doesn't not equate to divorce. People seperate and get back together all the time. MOVE ON. Get therapy, read relationship books, seek advice like you are doing now, but don't sit around waiting for this guy, he is married, he probably still loves his wife and he dumped you and hasn't spoken to you for over one month now. If that isn't a message I don't know what it.
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