A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner was an alcoholic. He used to be abusive when he was drunk. He has now stopped drinking and is doing really well. My question is how do I forgive him for the things he used to do??I find myself still being angry over things - especially things that he doesn't remember. He hasn't really apologised for anything that he did as he just tells me it was the alcohol not him.He tells me that I can't keep holding his past against him - and I know that is true, I just can't seem to get over it.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyones advice.
I tried talking to my husband about how I'm feeling and all we've done since is argue. He's still not apologising for how he behaved and I still can't forgive. He even accused me of making it all up (he says he can never remember what he's done when he's been drinking). We're going to try individual counselling and see if we can get things back on track. We went to marriage guidance before but he refused to come back after the first session!
I'm really hoping that this works so so wish us both luck.
A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (28 December 2007):
 I speak from experience when I say, it's easier said then done. I'm going through the same thing except my husband only slowed the drinking down temproarily to get me back. I forgave him for all the shit he put me through (which is WAY too much to get into) but I'm still so angry inside for all the things he's done and said to me. There are some things that only time can fix. Believe it or not, it's possible to forgive someone and still have mixed emotions about them. I don't agree with the saying "forgive and forget". My motto is "forgive and move on", because as much as we'd like to forget some things, we just can't. It's part of life's cycle. If we forget all the things we've been through and the lessons we've learned, then we'll just continue going through them. So, it's perfectly natural to be angry for the things he's done when he was drinking, but take into consideration that he has quit and he is doing better. That's a big step for an alcoholic and it's a blessing. You still deserve your time to heal. It's hard to describe the feeling that manifests inside when you are or have dealt with an abusive alcoholic. I'm happy for you that he quit, but if he picks the habit back up, chances are it will be worse. I hope for your sake he doesn't but if he does, be prepared to leave him. God bless you and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice. I think i'll sit down with him tonight once the kids are asleep and try to talk to him. It's not something he likes to talk about at all but I think that we need to so that I can stop being so angry with him. I'll let you know ho it goes. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (28 December 2007):
Its ok to be angry, thats expected. And I think its unreasonable of your partner to just expect you to get over it like that, just because hes changed. Its not as simple as that. Being a victim of abuse can have many effects on the victim and can leave them feeling confused, angry, hurt, scared etc for a fair while.
You will go through different phases, and currently it seems you are in the anger phase. You will probably move onto the next phase once you feel your bf can truly hold himself responsibile for what he did and can truly say sorry. The fact that he seems to be blaming the alcohol would make it veyr hard to jsut forget and ot move on. He needs to realise that HE made the CHOICE to drink knowing that it would lead to abusive behaviour.
I think once you can get him to the stage of taking responsibility for what he did and not making excuses such as 'it was the alcohol, i didnt mean it', then you will be able to start to forgive. Also, realise that forgiving is a choice you can make, its not smething that just 'happens'. Its a concious decision you make in your head. I know sometimes it can be hard to forgive someone because it makes you feel vunerable and it may feel like you are saying that waht they did was ok, when you're not saying that at all, forgiving is saying yes what he did was wrong, but i am going to let go of all this anger so i can live a happy and fulfilling life.
So sit down, have a chat with your partner and tell him that for you to be able to move on he needs to be able to tell you that what he did was wrong and stop blaming the alcohol, tell him that you need him to stop placing blame and say that he made the choice to drink, knowing what it leads to. Its a hard thing for anyone to do...but if he has truly changed I think he should be able to do it.
hope this has helped :)
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (28 December 2007):
 I know its not easy because you are still harbouring memories of when he was drunk, and bad times. You don't go into the extent of the things he did or how bad things actually were. So on that basis i am going to take things from a positive perspective. He is a changed man, he has stopped drinking and is now doing really well. All the upset before was all alcohol related, he has now quited and has apologised for how he was. I think you should put the past behind you and commend him on doing so well in packing up the booze, because that could not have been an easy thing to do.
All the best x
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