A
female
age
41-50,
*efertiti
writes:Hello,Mine is an odd one but I'll try to keep it all as short as possible. I had been living with my (now ex-)fiance for 18 months between September 2005 and March 2007. I'm now 28 and he's 24, and has always been a bit immature but I could handle it up until this year.Last March (2006), we had been living together for 6 months and he decided he couldn't handle it - the responsibility of the bills, not wanting to stay in etc - even though I gave him all the freedom he wanted. Anyway he told me he didn't love me and he packed up his stuff and left, and went back to his mums. I lost a stone in weight in 2 weeks because of the stress. It turned out that he had tried to get with another girl just before he left me. Anyway, about a month later he came back, saying he had made a mistake and he was sorry and that he did love me. Then he got a new job working away down south which he was over the moon about. He was away for 2 weeks at a time but he rang me every night and was so lovely when he came back every other weekend. I'd do all his laundry which he'd save up and bring home for me, cook all his meals, do all the cleaning etc as well as work full time, and I was happy to do it. We got engaged in August 2006. He finished working away in November 2006 and started working locally, but wouldn't stop going on about how he wanted to go away again and how great it was. He started going out drinking more, which is all he was doing when he was away because he was with a bunch of men, and that's all they used to do after work. So he continued this behaviour when he came home. I tried to ignore it, knowing that his whole family liked to drink, but it was getting ridiculous. I tried to tell his family but got no support at the beginning. Anyway, in February this year, he went out in his nice new car (which was legally my car as he couldn't get the finance on it). He made the stupid decision of drinking, knowing he had to drive home, and ended up crashing near where we lived. I went to the scene to sort everything out being the legal owner. There were loads of residents outside, all being really nice and helpful because they didn't know he was wasted - neither did i. The car was blocking the road and we couldn't move it. Thankfully no one was injured but the car was causing a massive obstruction. We waited an hour for the recovery - but the police got there first. He started panicking and asked me to say I was driving - to which I said NO - and he got breathalysed, arrested and put in the back of a police van infront of everyone. I was so embarrassed and shocked. Anyway, I waited for the recovery on my own (the police's contractors moved it and impounded it in the end). He ended up getting a 28 month ban and 130 hours community service which I didn't think was punishment enough. Even after all that, he still carried on going out getting drunk instead of realising what he was putting me through and concentrating on his relationship with me. I was always an after thought. Then at the end of March, I found out that he had set up 2 dates with 2 different girls. He rolled in drunk that evening and collapsed into bed after tripping up every step on the stairs. I flipped and dragged all his stuff out of the wardrobes and stuffed them into bin liners ready to kick him out in the morning. I didn't sleep a wink and watched the night turn to morning. I finally got up at 6am. He didn't get up for work, but he did get up to ask me what was wrong. I told him to get away from me, and he looked around at all his stuff and said, 'I'm not going anywhere'. By the following Wednesday I had moved most of my things out and went back to live with my parents. 2 weeks later he rang me and said he didn't go on dates with these girls and I had misunderstood. I believed that he had tried to instigate something, but like the last time, they didn't want him. He told me he felt like he had lost his limbs since we broke up. So from about April we had tried to work things out by starting from scratch. We sold the house, which I didn't really want to do but couldn't afford it on my own. I helped him to sort out tenancy on a flat near his parents. He was crap at setting up and sorting out bills etc and I have always taken care of those things, so I helped him. Then, when we both got our share of the money from the sale of the house, he started going off the rails again. It appeared to come from nowhere and I started to wonder if he was Bipolar. He started locking himself away and crying a lot and his behaviour was erratic. So of course, I wanted to help him. By September this year, He was like a completely different person. He started telling me stupid lies - about everything! Things I hadn't even asked about! For example, he rang me really distressed, saying that he has been arrested and thrown in the back of a police van. He sounded drunk or at least 'on something'. The following day, I rang him back and asked him about it, and he was stumped for a second, then he confessed 'It didn't happen'. A few weeks after that, he went to London with a good-for-nothing so-called mate of his, and that's when things got to the stage they're at now. He was even more depressed when he came back, and was all over the place - one minute he wanted to kill himself, the next he would panick and ask me not to leave him.Then we broke up again because he kept on with the stupid lies and I felt as though he was mocking me. His lying had become compulsive but so pointless. He rang me 3 weeks ago, crying at the top of his lungs. He was obviously out in the street because I could hear people in the background. I felt ashamed for him. He was screaming because he was crying that much, saying he couldn't live without me. I told him to calm down and that I would go round and speak to him when he was sober and when he had calmed down. The next day I went to see him and he had calmed down and was stone cold sober. I asked him to tell me the truth about everything and to stop lying. He told me that when he went to London, he had cheated on me with his oldest brother's girlfriend. They have a 3 year old. She was one of my best friends. I didn't believe him at first and thought that he might be even more ill than I had thought. But I just kept an open mind. It has emerged this week that what he said was absolutely true. His brother has found out - his instinct led him to ask the question after finding a cocaine wrap in her pillowcase. Everyone has been saying my ex has been on coke for a while, but I've never taken it so that's why I didn't understand his behaviour. I have finally severed all contact with him - and her - and even though things have been a disaster for such a long time, I am absolutely gobsmacked and gutted. People I have told are saying 'Consider yourself well-rid' but I feel as though, despite everything he has put me through, this is like being hit in the stomach with a ten-tonne weight. He will try to get back in touch at some point because that's the pattern of his behaviour. I want to get out of the vicious circle. I haven't spoken to HER about it, and don't know if I should, or if I should just try to keep my dignity, what's left of it. Can't believe my friend would do this and I am so shocked. How to I get away and recover from all this?Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, drunk, engaged, immature, live with my parents, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 What was done to you by the girl you called a friend is totally out of the loop. Honey that is no friend!!!! With friends like that you don't need enemies. Your boyfriend's problem sounds to be the simple in description. He is an alcoholic. He could also be bi-polar or have some type of other mental health condition. You should tell him that if he hopes to have a relationship with you of any kind that he needs to seek professional help. If you love him tell him so but let him know you will no longer tolerate these actions. Learn to step back and make him take the responsibility for his own actions. It seems that you have already done your part.
A
female
reader, Nefertiti +, writes (22 October 2007):
Nefertiti is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. I have decided to also change my SIM card so he won't be able ring me. My parent's house is also up for sale and I can't wait until we move because he won't be able to find me then. If I could leave the country I would - i'm that desperate for it all to end. Thank you all again xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I experienced the same thing that you and lost 4 years of my life because of it. His drug taking will not end and the best thing for you is to forget about him and move on. He is bad for you and you have to realise that and walk away before you are irrevocably stuck with him.
His problems are for his parents to sort out. You are not his mother and no amount of mothering from you will make him turn around his life.
Keep well and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): when I read your post I felt like I was reading my own writing. Your case is not rare, nor odd. Your ex is definitely on Coke, and probably other drugs as well. He sounds like my ex, and the father of my son. All I have to say is love yourself, sorry I couldn't say much more, just though I would confirm that he is definitly on drugs, for I my self am going thorough the same thing, only thing with my story, I am more involved in it, the whole vicious cycle, I was just in denial for many years.... I wish you the best I will pray for us all.
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